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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28705539">Navigating Without a Compass</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/youre_the_pink_in_my_cheeks/pseuds/youre_the_pink_in_my_cheeks'>youre_the_pink_in_my_cheeks</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Wilds (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>But you'll see that, F/F, Fatin and Leah is implied, Fatin is my favorite character, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, I just wanted more of Shelby's arc, Toni said simp rights, enjoy, just soft shit, mostly Toni and Shelby, the reason why we can't have nice things, this is nothing, what bunker, what shark attack</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:22:06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>46,949</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28705539</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/youre_the_pink_in_my_cheeks/pseuds/youre_the_pink_in_my_cheeks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The group stays on the island and puts down roots after almost starving and we get to see a bit more of each of their individual skill sets.</p><p>Shelby and Toni are trying to take care of their budding feelings, and "lost", again... Fatin is helpful and the worst/best...</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>289</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Teething Problems</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for your comments!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>...."Do you have a good chunk of time? Because that is a long story which starts with this serious wrong tur-" Toni interjected mercifully, "We got lost and ya know, thought it would be safer to camp out than hike back in the dark." You'd figure a lifetime of repression would make a person better at lying... Shelby, while off-put by their calmness, was thankful Toni had enough chill for the both of them.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After filling the tank with enough goat to feed an army, Dot decided it was no longer enough to survive day to day as they had been. The fatigue of famine had gotten to all of them and there was no reason to believe their luck would let up again should they find themselves so vulnerable. "Listen... I <em> know </em>that we don't want to be here but we nearly starved to death because we've been refusing to adapt. Frankly, It's adapt or die at this point guys.</p><p> </p><p>Rachel was the last person anyone expected to reinforce Dot's concern but starvation was a lot easier to swallow (no pun intended) when it was a choice, and the inevitability of it had caused them an onslaught of cognitive dissonance. "Dot's right. If we go on like this we're gonna lose people, and I'm really fucking tired of losing people. No one's coming for us. The sooner we can accept that the better off we'll all be."</p><p> </p><p>Breaking the shocked silence Fatin said, "Fuck me. We really are up shit creek if our resident bitchy-dom is waving the white flag."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't know..." Toni said worrying the hem of her leggings, refusing to meet anyone's eyes, "Maybe we don't have to think of it as giving up." Allowing a furtive glance around the group revealed a consensus of quizzical brows. Fortifying their resolve, Toni continued with more confidence, "It's more like putting our faith back in us, instead of the people who said 'goodbye' to us."</p><p> </p><p>Shelby smiled to themself and said with a lyrical bounce "We take the good, we take the bad. It's not about what we had. We just tryna get by."</p><p> </p><p>Tearing their gaze away from the ocean Leah said "I agree," Fatin nodding along with them. </p><p> </p><p>Toni didn't listen to what followed because they were absorbed with the person beside them who just used a Biggie Smalls lyric to elucidate their poorly communicated sentiment.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby responded to Toni's adorable look of awe by brushing her hair off of her shoulder and a bit of imaginary dirt (not that there wasn't enough real dirt) for good measure causing Toni to privately crack up. Toni thought confidence looked really good on Shelby.  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>To capitalize on their successful caloric intake, the group spent the next two days developing a long term shelter solution, this time deciding to move off the beach just into the tree line where it met the sand, to dampen the wind and get some cover from the island's harsh UV rays. </p><p> </p><p>Using a pre-existing row of sturdy, high standing trees and a ton of smaller ones tediously taken down with the hatchet, they constructed an impressively large hut that, if squinting hard enough, could be mistaken for a resort bungalow.</p><p> </p><p>At Nora's suggestion, they covered the soil inside the hut with a thick layer of sand and pom fronds, but not without Fatin's comments as they carried the cumbersome sand-filled suitcase back and forth. "I'm sorry, but wasn't our goal to get <em>off </em> of the beach?". Nora explained, to no one's understanding, saying that sand had a higher "R-value" for insulation and would keep them warm through the night. </p><p> </p><p>Anyone who was not working on building the hut needed to be hunting or gathering anything that counted as food. The group decided it made the most sense for Shelby to be part of a hunting pair whenever possible since she was the only one of them with any experience tracking.</p><p> </p><p>On the first day, Toni tried to surreptitiously pair off with Shelby who was intercepted by Rachel, leaving her with Dot. Toni had nothing against Dot, she even thought they were kind of a badass and was grateful for the stability they had endowed the group with, but she doubted Dot would sing Macklemore during bathroom breaks...</p><p> </p><p>To everyone's relief, the hunting trip was a success. There had been an unspoken fear that Martha's luck with the goat was a one-off, so the sight of the two crabs Dot and Toni managed to wrestle out of the damp soil at the bank of the waterfall allowed everyone to unclench a bit. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby and Rachel had come back early to work on a smoking station to try and preserve the rest of the goat and were busy hanging shanks of meat across thin branches that had been knotted together to form a makeshift smoking tray.</p><p> </p><p>They all ate crab and goat around the fire in front of the hut and basked in the luxury of it. Making an unsettling slurping sound as they polished off a leg Fatin exclaimed "I don't even care that there's no butter, this is the best thing I've ever eaten. Not one of these stupid watches is worth this crab leg right now." </p><p> </p><p>Across the fire, with their best server voice, Toni said, "does that mean you'll be paying with watches tonight ma'am?" Fatin sneered across the flames, clutching the watch and Dot launched into a negotiation as an "equal partner." </p><p> </p><p>Shelby laughed beside Toni at their shenanigans, rivaling the pride Toni felt for contributing dinner. Toni smiled back laughing along and said "Hey, I'm sorry by the way, about the shellfish. Kind of a shit situation for being on a deserted island. I'll try to look for non-aquatic things in the future." </p><p> </p><p>Toni's thoughtfulness made Shelby feel like she had a molten core, buzzing with warmth. Nudging Toni's elbow off the driftwood at their backs, she teased, "that soft shell crab making you soft Shalifoe?"</p><p> </p><p>Holding Shelby's gaze, Toni took an exaggerated bite of crab meat and responded, "HA. HA. HA. It'll take a lot more than that." Even when Toni was being sarcastic Shelby couldn't help but enjoy the warm timbre of their voice.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby leaned in slightly, dancing on the edge of the invisible line that separated friendly from intimate, throwing a subtle, furtive glance around the group who was still inhaling crab and yelling about whether or not it was an aphrodisiac while Martha hopelessly tried to understand. Then returning their attention to Toni who had halted their dramatic carnage of a crab leg and was staring back with confusion and a trace of something else. </p><p> </p><p>"It is a shame though..." Shelby said, eyes dropping down to Toni's lips, raising a subtle hand to wipe a stray fleck of crab from the corner of slightly ajar, full lips, "that now I can't..." Bringing her eyes back up to meet Toni's, Shelby was shocked by the turmoil there. </p><p> </p><p>All too late, she realized what the ‘something else’ she couldn’t place was, desire. Toni wanted her and was doing a good job of keeping herself in check, but now Shelby was blurring lines making it increasingly difficult for Toni to observe her boundaries. This was not okay. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby looked at her apologetically, feeling like an asshole. Toni just shrugged and shook her head smiling like it was nothing.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t nothing.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>On the second day of hunting, Toni was determined to have alone time with Shelby, longing for the reprieve of their company and needing to talk. </p><p> </p><p>When a few girls, yawning off the morning haze, started to pick up the makeshift weapons the group had assembled, a few bludgeons, spears, and rocks in a pair of Fatin's stockings, Toni was warming up by the fire, hatchet already in hand with two full canteens slung across their back in the long-sleeve they weren't wearing. They had mentally etched Shelby's name across the chipping pink paint of one of the canteens. Waking up earlier than everyone else was real shit, but also totally worth it Toni thought. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby stretched on the hut floor and with obvious signs of exhaustion dragged themself closer to the inviting warmth of the modest fire Toni was busy nursing. Toni worried about how it might toll on Shelby to have to hunt every day and cursed herself for not going to those stupid wilderness preparedness workshops at school. </p><p> </p><p>"<b>ahhhh</b>-hhaaaaaa-gahh. Okay, we should get a move on while it's still cool," Rachel said with an obvious effort to sound constructive instead of directing. "With me Dot?" Rachel asked. "Yep. I'm thinking bacon tonight," Dot said salivating at the thought. </p><p> </p><p>Delighted at that, Toni found Shelby's gaze and they smiled hopefully at each other. </p><p> </p><p>Devastation struck when Fatin chimed in, "I guess It's you and me, Shelby." </p><p> </p><p>"<em>What </em>?" Toni said, a little too energetic for the lack of daylight. Thinking in frustration <em>no it's Shelby and </em><b><em>me</em></b>. Schooling their reaction, only slightly embarrassed they continued, "I- I mean I'm all set to go, plus all our weapons are totally short-range, so isn't it kind of best to have the fastest runner out there?", deflating toward the end. Toni could catch practically everything on two or four legs, save for queer women in existential crisis. </p><p> </p><p>Ignoring Toni's plea, Fatin casually removed the hatchet from their hand, "Sorry babe, I am <em> not </em> spending another day homemaking... a bad bitch can only stand so much goddamn domestication." With apologetic eyes, Shelby lifted the makeshift sling over Toni's head arranging it on her own back as Toni continued to silently protest, all aimless dismay and regret. </p><p> </p><p>"Ugh.." Toni breathed, calmer than they might have been in the past. "Fatin," Toni said, drawing their attention, and flailing their hand nonchalantly in Shelby's direction, "If Shelby is gonna do all the work you could at least carry the water...". Warranting a deep blush and shy dip of the head from Shelby. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Coming into a relatively open stretch of tall grass before passing the waterfall that had been their salvation, Fatin readjusted the cumbersome canteens against her back. Huffing at the inconvenience "It's not enough that you don't have to deal with toxic masculinity but <em>also </em>get commonplace chivalry? Rigged..."</p><p> </p><p>In half genuine, half performative confusion Shelby responded, "What, umm- how do you mean?" Fatin gave Shelby a knowing smile and a playful eye roll. "I <em> mean </em>... your annoyingly thoughtful lesbian lapdog."</p><p> </p><p>Panic. Shelby knew Fatin didn't have the same homophobic tendencies she was working through, and being on a deserted island and all it really didn't bother her for her sexuality to be public domain, but... well it felt extremely compromising to be so evidently at odds with yourself. Being in flux was not an easy way to be and not how Shelby wanted to be. </p><p> </p><p>Sensing their internal monologue Fatin reassuringly interjected, "Relax Shelby, your business is no one's but your own," trying to convey solidarity by pantomiming a lock at each of the corners of their mouth. Shelby breathed out at the gesture. </p><p> </p><p>"We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to, but if you ever do want to talk... if I am not first in line for details I think you'll find these are a lot more functional than aesthetic," Fatin said, fanning her long nails in the air for emphasis, her theatrics making Shelby laugh. Fatin's smile widened in success.</p><p> </p><p>Wondering if they should be talking about this Shelby, slightly red from the subject, asked, "How did you know?"</p><p> </p><p>"I have a sixth sense for sexual tension," Fatin said, shrugging at Shelby, "It's a gift and a curse.” Now more amused Fatin continued "...and... you two are not exactly subtle, not that I think anyone else noticed last night.”</p><p> </p><p>How deep a shade of red does someone have to turn for it to be considered medically concerning? "Oh my god" Shelby breathed, running her hands over her face. </p><p> </p><p>Then, apparently having a revelation, "Wait. Did you force Toni out of hunting on purpose?"</p><p> </p><p>"Hahaha. Ohh yeah, god was that hilarious watching you slip through her fingers." Slightly amused by the hijinks of it Shelby scolded, "Fatin!"</p><p> </p><p>Throwing their hands up in defense Fatin protested "What?! It was practically irresistible with all of their too eager planning and naive hope."</p><p> </p><p>"What do you mean?" Perpetually amused and slightly annoyed by how cute they both were, Fatin answered, "What I mean is that it would only take spending a single morning with them for anyone to tell you that Toni Shalifoe has never seen a sunrise let alone what precedes it. That girl is not a morning person."</p><p> </p><p>Shelby felt bubbly thinking back to an expectant Toni sitting by the fire hatchet in hand and chest slung like an overeager wilderness scout, barely managing to stay awake. "They are actually very cute in the morning."</p><p> </p><p>"Right..." raising their eyebrows in hyperbolic agreement, Fatin teased, "and just to be clear... you're referring to the routine exorcism or the crotchety disposition towards consciousness?" </p><p> </p><p>In that smooth southern drawl, a laugh betraying their earnestness, Shelby ordered "Stop that!"</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The food situation was not greatly improved by the day but Shelby and Fatin did manage to strip a few bushes of their berries so at least dinner wouldn’t be goat ala goat.</p><p> </p><p>At camp, Toni was nowhere to be found. "Hey," Trying not to be too obvious, Shelby squatted down next to Leah and helped her braid the fiber of long, thinly split twigs into rope.</p><p> </p><p>Leah smiled back like she was genuinely happy to see Shelby, "Hey, how was the trip?" Shrugging and fondly casting their gaze in Fatin's direction, Shelby said "Good, we've kind of got a great group of people to be stranded with." Following Shelby's gaze and mirroring their fondness Leah affirmed the observation, "We kind of do, don't we?"</p><p> </p><p>"Are we uh, missing some people?" Shelby felt like she’d just asked <em>where's Toni? I missed them all day and have really been looking forward to seeing them. </em> If Leah noticed the subtext of the inquiry it didn’t show. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah Toni and Martha are up there," pointing directly up to Shelby's confusion, "Toni said if she woke up to another twig up her ass she’d ‘burn this whole fucking island to the ground' with all of us on it’..." Leah explained. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby cringed at Leah's retelling. That did not sound like a good day. "You think she's okay?" Leah nodded, "Yeah, yeah. Just needed something to focus on I think." </p><p> </p><p>Shelby meandered behind the hut as casually as they could manage. Just as Toni and Martha came into earshot Shelby could hear Toni begin to yell, obviously trying but barely failing to keep their cool. </p><p> </p><p>About 10 feet up Toni was straddling a large tree branch and struggling to secure one end of a sturdy-looking hammock constructed with the remains of the emergency slide and braided rope. </p><p> </p><p>On another tree branch slightly higher and forking out in the opposite direction of the one Toni was on, Martha was gripping the trunk of the tree for dear life. </p><p> </p><p>"Toni, it's too high, can we please go down now?” Toni responded not angry but desperate and at the end of a less literal branch. "Marty! No, come on! Don't go down, we've almost got it."</p><p> </p><p>Ignoring Toni, Martha descended the tree giving Toni a disappointed look as she descended past the branch they were slumped on in defeat, leaving them in the tree without another word. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby stayed tucked against the back wall of the hut in the dark as Martha followed the opposite side back to the front of their camp. Then looking back up Shelby watched as Toni dropped her head back against the tree's trunk closing her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Island or no island, days like this were inevitable, but the island had a mysterious talent for exasperating all of the subcutaneous shit everyone wished they didn't have. Toni just needed one thing that felt like hers. </p><p> </p><p>Making the first tenuous foot placements at the mostly bare base of the tree Shelby managed to pull herself up to more substantial branches. The crinkling of leaves caused Toni momentary alarm before glancing down at Shelby settling into the branch below her. </p><p> </p><p>"Hi" Shelby breathed, offering a warm smile. "Hi" Toni echoed, delighted but surprised to see Shelby. Embarrassed about being found like this she shot her eyes around and up rubbing at her forehead. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby leaned her head back to look up at Toni, and Toni, in turn, extended her head over her right shoulder. Seeing Shelby didn't fix any of her problems, but it was unconditionally nice to look at those green eyes and to have them look back.</p><p> </p><p>"How was your day?" Toni asked softly, in that cadence reserved for the incredibly kind, confusing, sweet girl looking up at her. </p><p> </p><p>Happy to hear Toni a bit calmer, Shelby smiled "It was okay," stopping themself before continuing anyway,"I missed you."</p><p> </p><p>Toni was a bit taken back by the candid admission. They still hadn't found time to really talk about anything so the vulnerability of the comment touched her. "I missed you too." It was a truth Toni hadn't imagined verbalizing. </p><p> </p><p>The sweetness Toni revealed only for her made Shelby tuck her chin to quell the warm feelings running through her body. Looking back up at the patient eyes that waited always, she asked, "And how was your day?" raising her eyebrows in amusement at the endeavor. </p><p> </p><p>Toni let out a rumbling laugh heavy with emotion, oh the things she could not say to just anyone. "Well... I made this stupid selfish fucking hammock I can't even hang, and I was just a dick to the best person I know for no good reason, so..." </p><p> </p><p>Shelby's smile dropped at Toni's tone, she had never heard someone so dejected. "There's nothing wrong with doing something for you, I'd say it's totally essential in our case." Shelby paused to enjoy Toni's smile. "What was the reason?" Shelby asked hoping they were not overstepping. </p><p> </p><p>Toni turned away. She was unable to articulate this even to herself, it sounded so stupid in her head when she tried. </p><p> </p><p>"Hey," Shelby said, reaching out to lightly squeeze Toni's ankle dangling in front of her. Toni shut her eyes at the contact. "I don't really have the bandwidth for judgment given, well... everything."</p><p> </p><p>Letting out a weighted breath Shelby continued  "I <em> know </em> that this is kind of new but if it's something you,"-- Shelby paused leaning her forehead against Toni's calf, she didn't want this to be about her need for clarity. "No matter what we are or aren't... I'll be here."</p><p> </p><p>This all made Toni feel even more incapable of replying and when they tried nothing came up, they could only try to put their heart in their eyes as they looked back at brave, honest eyes. </p><p> </p><p>"Can I come up?" Finally asking, Shelby was surprised at the unfamiliar hitch in her own voice. </p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Toni said, desperate to finally be close to Shelby but the response was all instinct, willing to give her anything she needed. </p><p> </p><p>Toni reached out her hand and Shelby took it thankfully. With slow soft movements, Toni placed one of Shelby's hands on a secure hold and took the other with her left hand gently assisting her up with her other hand on her hip. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby dropped down in front of Toni with a gentle "umphh" straddling the branch, their knees bumped softly defining the space between them. </p><p> </p><p>For a moment they both just breathed and relished in the satisfaction of sharing space, exchanging strained smiles. Engrossed in the feeling, Toni gently brushed against Shelby's feet with her own and hesitantly looped their ankles behind Shelby's, pulling them closer so that Shelby's thighs slid over theirs. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby was hyper-aware of every move Toni made and Toni could see it, in the way she failed to regulate her breath and in the way her eyes unfocused while simultaneously fixating. </p><p> </p><p>The desire to reach out and touch was not something Shelby even considered resisting now. She gently cupped Toni's face and brushed her thumb across her upper cheek. </p><p> </p><p>Toni leaned into the warm palm of Shelby's hand mewling at the feeling of nails gently scratching at her hairline.</p><p> </p><p>"Want to tell me?" Shelby asked. Reluctantly leaning out of the touch Toni forced herself to meet Shelby's gaze before immediately dropping it back to her lap where Shelby's hand intertwined with hers. </p><p> </p><p>"Everyone misses someone or misses something but I just don't." Letting out a rutty laugh "Well, maybe Takis and music…” Toni paused, her smile fracturing. “Everyone has a reason to be a mess and I just am anyways," she said in a light way hoping it would take some burden off of Shelby's response.</p><p> </p><p>She deserved someone to feel horrible about, a reason to resent this place other than the obvious threats to survival, but the truth was that Toni had been stranded long before the plane crash. </p><p> </p><p>"I think I might be able to relate to that" Shelby said, with a reassuring smile. "I know I'm supposed to feel abandoned and disillusioned or whatever, but I don't, not really."</p><p> </p><p>If anyone got it, Shelby did. </p><p> </p><p>Toni was delighted by Shelby's mutual understanding but clenched inwardly, upset at the world for making Shelby hide. "Everyone" suddenly felt extremely shortsighted. Toni clung to Shelby's words.</p><p> </p><p>"And as for the 'mess'," Shelby said. Toni diverted her eyes in embarrassment but Shelby waited for her to look at her, "I don't see that at all, I see a kind, passionate person who has been given far too many reasons to be angry." Shelby said, southern drawl falling soft and thick like molasses. Shelby ghosted the tips of her fingers over the apex of Toni's forehead following her hairline down and tucking a nonexistent piece of hair behind the crimson edge of a sunburnt ear. </p><p> </p><p>Toni's lips parted slightly and she just stared at Shelby who pulled the abandoned hammock out of her lap.</p><p> </p><p>"Should we try again at this?" Shelby asked. Toni cringed "Oh, umm it's really not a big deal... you don't have to." Shelby smiled at Toni's handiwork "No, what? We can do this no problem. We'll just..." looking at the knot Toni had tied Shelby thanked the heavens she showed up before Toni tested the hammock. With uncompromised confidence, Shelby continued, "Change <em> this </em> a little to make a half hitch and it'll be up in flash." </p><p> </p><p>"I'd have totally fallen, right?" Toni asked knowingly, a burst of laughter escaping. Letting out a breath Shelby answered, "Oh my god, yes, like one hundred percent. I'll have to say my thanks you didn't test this without me."</p><p> </p><p>Just being kind or honest in a way that made sense to Shelby made Toni feel incredibly special to spend time together like this. </p><p> </p><p>"Let's do this?" Shelby asked. "Okay," Toni answered undoing the safety hazard of a knot she tied. Shelby looked across where the other end was loosely dangling from the branch Martha had left it on, "Want me to get the other end?". Toni looked unsure, remembering their treatment of Marty, "Okay... thanks."  </p><p> </p><p>Shelby showed Toni how to do a half hitch and then looked around for a way up to the other branch extending away from them.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh, you have to go up from here," Toni said, patting a medium hollow in the tree between the two branches "One sec, I'll get down." Toni moved to climb down from her place in the tree but Shelby stopped her with a hand on her knee. "No need for that," Shelby said smiling, "Just help me turn around, yeah?". </p><p> </p><p>Shelby, placing her hands behind her on the branch scooted herself forward and Toni helped hesitantly, placing her hands in the crook of Shelby's knees slowly pulling her into her lap, holding on tight so Shebly wouldn't fall. When almost all of Shelby's weight was off of the branch they seemed to realize the magnitude of the position. </p><p> </p><p>Toni's hands instinctively fell on Shelby's hips pulling them the rest of the way, focused on balancing the two of them with her shoulders against the trunk.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby was hit instantly with memories of the lychee tree and Toni's touch, it had made her head spin how she was both soft yet commanding.</p><p> </p><p>When Toni met Shelby's eyes her mouth dropped open with a breath rushing past their lips and ghosting across Shelby's face. </p><p> </p><p>Focusing Toni said after thickly swallowing her feelings and softly clearing her throat, "Okay, umm so just swing around then?" Shelby just nodded and twisted around Toni's torso. Toni followed Shelby's movements with her arms stretched backward for insurance.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby sat her hips bracketing Toni's from behind, hands still unconsciously wrapped around Toni's abdomen. Shelby enjoyed the press of Toni's body into her front. </p><p> </p><p>After a few moments, Toni cleared her throat and with a barely repressed laugh shaking her voice asked, "So are we just going to stay like this or..." Shelby promptly let go of Toni, slightly embarrassed "Sorry! Yes! Yeah, I'm just gonna..." Toni found it endearing how easily Shelby was flustered. "I don't mind," Toni said looking back over her shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby placed a foot in the tree hollow and using a smaller branch overhead pulled herself up. After securing the hammock Shelby looked across at Toni, "I think it's ready, just be careful." </p><p> </p><p>Toni, already easing into the hammock, replied "Always am," and shot a playful wink over her shoulder. Shelby watched nervous, looking for any insecurity but the knots didn't budge. Toni let out the deepest breath of their life as they relaxed into the curve of the hammock with their arms outstretched in elation. </p><p> </p><p>"So? How is it?" Shelby asked. Rolling over onto their stomach, Toni placed her chin on her overlapping arms. "It's amazing," Toni said looking up at Shelby and adding, in earnest, "Thank you." Shelby's smile fought for real estate on her face and she nodded with fervor. </p><p> </p><p>"Ya know..." Toni said sitting up, "This is your hammock too now. You can use it whenever you like." Shelby was touched by Toni's generosity, "Thanks." </p><p> </p><p>Looking past the hut at the warm glow of the fire Toni spoke,"We should probably eat something." Following her gaze, Shelby countered "You say as if you don't know exactly what's for dinner." </p><p> </p><p>Toni laughed at Shelby's annoyance, it wasn't something that surfaced often. "We don't know, maybe Rachel and Dot found a field of cheesecake. A girl can hope." Toni said.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby cracked up, "No offense, but I would totally flip this hammock for cheesecake right now." The hammock shook as Toni burst with laughter "Hahaha, no offense taken, me too." </p><p> </p><p>Sitting up Toni asked "Ready?" Shelby nodded, "Worth checking if we're having cheesecake for dinner." </p><p> </p><p>They both climbed down, Toni and then Shelby. Toni landed with a thud dropping off the lowest hanging branch. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby struggled to find purchase and her feet dangled as she tried to lower herself down, back sliding over the trunk and arms hooked over opposite branches. Observing her struggle, Toni reached up holding Shelby by the hips as she dropped down. </p><p> </p><p>The momentum of the drop carried Shelby into Toni. Trying to stay upright, Toni reacted with a few counter steps and Shelby wrapped her arms around Toni's neck.</p><p> </p><p>Separating slightly to look at Shelby whose arms were still securely in place, all of the need and suppression of the last two days finally spilled over. Her hands on Shelby’s hips, Toni stepped her backward into the tree with a gentle thud, making Shelby’s breath hitch. </p><p> </p><p>After a long moment, breathing out Toni spoke, ".. I <em> really </em> want to kiss you."</p><p> </p><p>Shelby blushed bright red. God knew she wanted the same but this was all new and Shelby was working hard not to step on her own feelings by moving too fast. </p><p> </p><p>Unsure, Shelby averted her gaze and asked, "I- what does this mean?" Shelby’s fear startled Toni making her take a half step back to give her more space. </p><p> </p><p>When Toni didn't immediately respond, Shelby launched into anxious overexplaining, "I just mean... Is- is this <em> casual </em> for you? Do you want everyone to know? Is this all only because we're stuck here? Is there-" Shelby sighed unable to finish the question. </p><p> </p><p>Toni slid her hands around Shelby's at the back of her neck bringing them down between them to hold and waited for Shelby to say what she needed to. "Is there anyone else?" Shelby asked finally looking into Toni's patient eyes feeling quite dumb and very exposed. </p><p> </p><p>Toni was tempted to make a joke about Marcus the mannequin but decided it was best to leave jokes out of this. She wanted to be careful to validate Shelby's needs and experience as she figured all of this out. So with all the seriousness Shelby's questions deserved she answered, visibly and carefully cogitating over each question, "I've never been particularly good at 'casual'. I don't really think it’s anyone’s business but ours, but if you wanted that I wouldn’t mind them knowing." Toni ran her thumb across the back of Shelby's hand. "If we'd met before we probably wouldn't have been on each other's radar," Toni laughed to herself at the thought. "Honestly I feel kind of guilty or selfish or whatever. Here we are, the worst scenario, and I can't help but feel a little... lucky." </p><p> </p><p>Toni looked at Shelby like no one had before and Shelby shuddered slightly from the attention. "And finally," Toni said, pressing Shelby's right hand to her cheek, "There is no one else." </p><p> </p><p>Shelby let out a forgotten breath and ran her thumb across Toni's cheek, the sensation making Toni's eyes fall shut. Opening her eyes Toni asked, "And... what about you?" </p><p> </p><p>Shelby's brow furrowed and she dropped her hand down to rest on Toni's clavicle, "What about me?" Toni laughed softly making Shelby's hand vibrate on her sternum, "What do <em> you </em> want this to be?" she asked. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby wasn't used to being given space for her own needs, not like this anyway, and was unprepared for the question. "Oh? Umm, I don't really know I guess." Toni just nodded, eyes falling to the ground. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm sorry," Shelby said, sliding her hand up to rest at Toni's neck and rubbing her thumb across her taut jawline. "I just haven't really thought that far ahead, but..." Shelby used the hand at Toni's jaw to gently request she look at her. "I <em> want </em> this," Shelby said, her southern drawl coming out with the emotion of her admission.</p><p> </p><p>Letting her eyes drop, Toni lifted a slow hand, mirroring Shelby, but stayed still like that waiting for Shelby.</p><p> </p><p>With soft touches, Shelby took Toni's hands from her cheek and slowly wrapped them around her neck pulling Toni closer. Shelby then twisted them around so Toni's back was against the tree. </p><p> </p><p>Toni watched Shelby rearrange them in excited anticipation.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby leaned all of her weight into Toni bringing their bodies flush together. Shelby let her lips ghost over Toni's before chastely kissing the right corner of her mouth and then the other. </p><p> </p><p>Toni hummed at the affection and softness of Shelby's lips. Shelby then pressed a hot open-mouthed kiss directly to Toni's lips, both of them sighing at the contact. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby stood taller into the kiss making Toni's lips part so she could dip her tongue into the warm expanse of her mouth.</p><p> </p><p>Toni was quick to react, eagerly meeting Shelby's tongue with her own and sliding an inch or two down the tree at her back. <em>God, she is good at</em> <em>this</em> Toni thought.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby loved the way Toni sounded and chased more of her broken expressions. Dropping her hands to Toni's stomach, Shelby slid them around her hips to her lower back.</p><p> </p><p>Toni broke the kiss in a wet pop, moaning when Shelby's hands gently squeezed under her hips. Excited by Shelby’s kiss, Toni bit at her bottom lip, slightly pulling at it as she changed the angel. </p><p> </p><p>The moan that left Shelby made Toni want to lower her to the ground and spend another intimate hour drawing obscene noises from her. </p><p> </p><p>This was not a good place or time for that though, so Toni slowed down the kiss sprinkling in light pecks between the skilled manipulation of her tongue. </p><p> </p><p>At the sound of someone clearing their throat to the right of them, Toni and Shelby split apart looking over to see Fatin with one hand across their eyes and the other patting the air in what was meant to be a calming gesture. "Sorry guys but I thought you'd want to know that Rachel and Dot are threatening to eat your dinner if you don't 'finish the hammock‘ soon."</p><p> </p><p>"Thank you, Fatin!" Shelby exclaimed forcefully. </p><p> </p><p>Toni gave Shelby a quizzical look. "Yeah... So, Fatin knows. That's a thing." Shelby responded.</p><p> </p><p>"You told her?" Toni asked. "Well no, not exactly... Apparently, we aren't as subtle as we thought." Shelby answered, smiling lightly and bringing their foreheads together as she ran her thumb under Toni's chin. </p><p> </p><p>“And you’re, okay with that?” Toni asked hesitantly, trying to be as informed as possible when it came to Shelby. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby wanted to be ready for everything with Toni. She wished Toni wasn’t her first and she could confidently tuck Toni into her side by the fire, laugh into her temple when she teased Fatin, take her in her arms when she returned safely after vanishing into the forest, say “I’m actually going with Toni today”, and so much more… </p><p> </p><p>But for now, Shelby would have to settle for what she could handle: these highly coveted, stolen moments and a handful of indirect expressions of adoration. </p><p> </p><p>"Well Fatin said they wouldn't tell anyone, but no," Shelby bit her lip dropping her head. "I don't think I want anyone to know just yet." Shelby's disposition became forced and hyperbolic as she affirmed, "And not because I'm ashamed... Because I am N-O-T, Not."</p><p> </p><p>Toni was ready to meet Shelby's pace, smiling brightly she said, "Shelby it's okay, there is no rush."</p><p> </p><p>How could Toni possibly be this calm about everything? If Shelby was being honest, it was slightly unnerving, but exactly what she needed. </p><p> </p><p>Toni pressed a chaste kiss to Shelby's lips, stepped them away from the tree, and asked, "Food?" Shelby nodded and followed, Toni tugging her along by the hand.</p><p> </p><p>The group was still eating and talking about some totally irrelevant but totally cathartic thing. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby and Toni let each other's hands go before approaching the group and took up post at opposite ends of the fire, not trying to elucidate the nature of their  absence.</p><p>"What's for dinner?" Toni asked. Martha handed her a serving of goat and leafy greens and said, "Welcome to vegetables." Toni gave her a thankful and apologetic look and she smiled in turn nodding her forgiveness and understanding. </p><p> </p><p>Across the fire, lifting the greens skeptically, Shelby mouthed "I want cake" in Toni's direction, making her repress a laugh. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Four days of unevent passed. The girls were getting better at hunting and were setting up consistent small game snares, courtesy of Shelby. Nora had some concerns about the long term situation within their hunting radius, but any potential threats were, for the first time in a long time, mildly out of range. The current greatest threat to the group was the endless ennui of the island, a relief of a problem but a problem nonetheless. </p><p> </p><p>The group was sitting on a healthy stockpile of smoked rabbit, berries, and wild nuts that were unidentified but confirmed non-toxic by Martha, ever trusting as she was, and they all agreed they needed a break. </p><p> </p><p>Waking up a good two hours after what they had become used to, everyone drifted around the fire like islands on the now improved driftwood bench simulacrums, snacking on berries and rabbit. It was good not to worry too closely about food, even if just for a day. </p><p> </p><p>Leah busied herself boiling water dropping in a handful of loose leaves that Dot and Fatin found like "true MVPs" according to Rachel. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The highlight of the week had been Dot and Fatin's discovery of a few cocoa bean trees closer to where they all washed up. Dot hadn't understood the unfamiliar fruit in its unprocessed form as her favorite snack, but Fatin had been gifted enough luxury chocolates with cocoa bean graphics printed on the packaging to know what they were. Looking at the bright fuchsia beans, Fatin had thought about all the things she'd do for a goddamn Snickers, it did not entail a lot of pride...</p><p> </p><p>Dot and Fatin had returned to camp with a branch they cut down slung over their shoulders, a dozen cocoa beans still attached. The reactions of the group could be described as nothing short of religious, a litany of praises to mostly no one escaping everyone. </p><p> </p><p>Nora informed Dot that the leaves could be used to make a caffeinated tea, causing another surge of exaltations... to a plant, most notably from Toni. </p><p> </p><p>Every day since Toni would watch predatorily as the tea was brewed. She had been banned from tea duty after everyone jitterily agreed she used wayyy too many tea leaves, but now no one was particularly fond of making the tea because it meant eight minutes of Toni staring at you like that...</p><p> </p><p>Shelby watched as Toni greedily sipped at the tea sighing at the heat and caffeine. Realizing Shelby's eyes were on her, Toni blushed and offered her a shy smile over the folded metal edge of the cut La Croix can. </p><p> </p><p>The last four days Shelby and Toni had barely even spoken. Toni was requested to help Nora in upgrading a few things around the camp after the "success" of her hammock-- <em> If they only knew </em>Shelby thought--and hadn't left the camp in a few days save for a water run with Martha.</p><p> </p><p>And yesterday, since Nora decided to work on a potential design for irrigation, when they were packing up in the morning Shelby was hopeful that her and Toni would go together but was swiftly disappointed when Toni handed Dot a canteen asking, "Ready to go?" </p><p> </p><p>Something had obviously changed in Toni but did that mean something had changed between them?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It was a warm, bright day and the water was calm, so the girls moved to the beach for some r&amp;r where Toni and Nora had assembled makeshift sun shades for them to relax under.   </p><p> </p><p>Everyone melted into the warm sand under the three palm frond shades suspended by two tall parallel branches dug into the ground. Martha, Nora, and Fatin were under the first, Leah and Toni under the second, and Dot, Shelby, and Rachel the third. The early teething of their group dynamic had mostly quelled and they now mingled indiscriminately. </p><p> </p><p>"I don't know about you all, but it seems like a good day for gummy bears," Fatin said, popping a bright orange 20mg gummy into her mouth with a smirk. </p><p> </p><p>"Toss it." Dot responded, with her hand outstretched. Dot popped one too and offered the bag to Rachel who responded, "What the hell,” and grabbed the bag. </p><p> </p><p>After retrieving a translucent green bear, Rachel offered some to Shelby, holding the bag open not sure but not wanting to unintentionally exclude her. To everyone's surprise, including Shelby, she tentatively took a gummy from the bag. </p><p> </p><p>The edibles continued to be passed about, everyone taking one and then handing it along.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby carefully placed the bear in her mouth like it would burn her lips on contact. When she swallowed the bear, slightly nervous about what would follow, she was surprised to find Toni's concerned eyes on her. Smiling Toni lifted her own bear in cheers and tossed it back tucking her chin into her knees. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>20 minutes later, the group all sat or laid quietly in the shade watching the water and the seagulls that landed in front of them in mass quantities. Dot broke the silence laughing hysterically at apparently nothing, making everyone stare before, one by one, they all joined in laughing hysterically. Shelby had no idea what they were laughing at but knew it was absolutely hilarious because she couldn't stop laughing either. </p><p> </p><p>Leah had retrieved some of the cocoa beans when the munchies set in and everyone was now snacking on the sweet pulp of the fruit and the more bitter but nutty seeds. </p><p> </p><p>"Shit," Fatin said, tipping the bottom of her canteen towards the sky, "I'm out. Anyone else got some?" Toni tossed her canteen into the sand next to Fatin’s feet and said, "You can have the rest of mine." Fatin gratefully swigged at the water and said, "Thank youuuuuuu. We probably should have replenished our water <em> before </em>getting high out of our minds. The cottonmouth be real."</p><p> </p><p>Everyone was zoned into their own high or laughing about Martha's hilarious impression of Shelby, even Shelby couldn't help but laugh a little at it. </p><p> </p><p>Languidly pushing up from the ground, Toni brushed the sand from her shorts and said, "I'll go for a water run, could use the activity." </p><p> </p><p>Shelby watched Toni get up and popping up from her stomach, quickly said, "I'll go with." With a few pairs of eyes on her, she unnecessarily explained, "Buddy system right? Anyway... there are a few too many <em> Shelbys </em> at this party for my taste." she said, casting Martha a playfully disapproving look. </p><p> </p><p>Jogging briefly Shelby caught up with Toni and, unsure, asked, "It's okay that I come?" Toni laughed "Well I just drank our entire water supply in under an hour so that you would... so yes, it's okay." Shelby was speechless, how was she so unaware? She decided to blame it on the weed.</p><p> </p><p>"Speaking of which, I'm about to pee my pants," Toni said, dancing a bit and looking for a spot to stop. Shelby cracked up laughing at Toni's unorthodox methods, the weed, starting to kick in a little more, made it all the funnier. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Shelby and Toni passed through the camp to grab Fatin's suitcase and Tonis strung it up securely across her back despite Shelby's insistence that she could carry it. </p><p> </p><p>As they moved through the forest navigation was becoming more and more difficult for Shelby and after her third wrong turn Toni took her by the hand and said "Howw about <em> I </em> get us there from here?" </p><p> </p><p>Shelby laughed, embarrassed. She had never done drugs before, medical or otherwise, and was more incapacitated than Toni... obviously. </p><p> </p><p>"Having a good high?" Toni asked, a laugh ghosting through her words as she squeezed Shelby's hand in hers. Shelby laughed nervously and answered, looking down at their hands, "I can say I'm glad for something to do, I was focusing on the roof of my mouth a little too intensely at the beach," she said laughing suspiciously. </p><p> </p><p>"Hahaha, I can totally relate, my first time was a really bad high and it took me a while to enjoy smoking really. To be honest, I'm a little higher than I meant to be," Toni responded. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby laughed and felt a little relieved to know she wasn't the only one feeling it. </p><p> </p><p>At the waterfall, Shelby helped remove the suitcase from Toni's back reminiscing in the softness of her exposed shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>Toni lowered the water-tight suitcase into the significant body of water at the base of the waterfall with the zipper open a few inches at the top. Shelby stepped into the water, knee-deep, and helped Toni force down the absurdly buoyant suitcase. </p><p> </p><p>"God! The water feels so good. Oh, umm sorry is that a bad thing to say?" Toni said. Shelby laughed at the uncharacteristic uncertainty Toni wore around her and responded "Kind of the least of my worries..." Toni released a strained laugh. It was hard for her to be reminded of Shelby's inherent opposition to, well to <em> her </em>. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm only kidding Toni." Shelby said, trying to sound reassuring, "It really does feel good, doesn't it." Toni drank in the image of Shelby closing her eyes and sighing at the feeling of the perfectly cool water.  </p><p> </p><p>They both lifted the now heavy suitcase out of the water and dragged it with some difficulty up onto the mossy bank.</p><p> </p><p>"Phew" Shelby sighed. Both of them wiped the sweat from their faces and Shelby asked, looking up at the water and then back to Toni, "Should we swim?" </p><p> </p><p>Toni responded pulling off her shirt, "Oh my god, I thought you'd <em> never </em> ask." She ran around the bank to a large boulder while Shelby laughed and pulled off her own shirt following in tow. </p><p> </p><p>Toni cannonballed into the water with a hoot and resubmerged to watch Shelby chase after her and teased, "While we've still got daylight!" Toni turned her head as the water exploded under Shelby. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby surfaced wiping the water from her face and they both laughed heartily at themselves. </p><p> </p><p>They bobbed up and down in the water panting and smiling. A devious look overtook Toni's countenance and dipping her chin into the water, she sent a spray of water in Shelby's direction making her exhale sharply partially performing shock for effect. </p><p> </p><p>Winding up her arm Shelby returned the assault twofold. Toni screeched and returned short, quick splashes which Shelby easily matched. </p><p> </p><p>Toni lifted her hands above the water in surrender, "I give up! I give up! You win!" Shelby paused her assault feeling victorious but at that moment Toni, unable to resist, sent one final splash. Shelby dropped her jaw as the water hit her, and with water dripping down her face gave Toni a predatory look before launching after her. </p><p> </p><p>Shrieking, Toni tried to swim away but Shelby grabbed onto her ankle and pulled her in. Shelby's hands found Toni's sides and she tickled her bare stomach fervently, making her burst out laughing uncontrollably, gurgling water. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby's hand slowed and then dropped from Toni's sides. They both breathed heavily from the exertion and laughed happily. </p><p> </p><p>Once, their breath finally calmed, Toni smiled brightly at Shelby. Shelby thought it was nice to see her like this, uninhibited, playful, and easygoing. They just floated.</p><p> </p><p>As if there were a drain between them on the floor of the small lake, Shelby fell toward Toni who stayed as still as she could manage in her still high state. </p><p> </p><p>The marijuana had made all of Shelby's senses feel both very relaxed but very hyperactive, it was an odd combination. Looking at Toni's dopey smile produced a swarm of desire in her lower abdomen. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby waded in front of Toni, their legs bumping unintentionally. She entered her own world following a drop of water over the sharp arch of Toni's nose down to her lips. When her eyes came back up to meet Toni's, brightly reflecting the sun, she let out a breath and instinctively fell slightly closer but didn't close the space between them. She needed it to be Toni and tried to convey her request silently. </p><p> </p><p>As a product of the slight inebriation, the careful concern Toni observed for Shelby was forgotten and she leaned in immediately claiming her lips. </p><p> </p><p>This was different in so many ways than any other kiss of theirs. They both bobbed up and down in the water working to sustain the kiss. Shelby was excited by the wetness of Toni's face and mouth, it was an addictive sensation. Toni slid her tongue over Shelby’s bottom lip and when she let out an excited breath Toni slipped her tongue into her mouth. Shelby gasped and moaned at the contact of her tongue, momentarily failing to keep herself above water.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby broke the kiss and pulled Toni by the hand toward shallower water. </p><p> </p><p>When Shelby's feet touched the ground she turned and reaching out for Toni's body pulled her forward by the hips until they were flush. Not waiting for Toni to catch her breath Shelby kissed her, resetting their pace, nipping at her lips, then leaving a gentle peck before licking softly at Toni's bottom lip. </p><p> </p><p>Toni's head spun at the difference in Shelby's kiss and she pressed back trying to answer her need. </p><p> </p><p>Although Shelby hadn't admitted it, the last few days had made her nervous that Toni would eventually pull away. Shelby knew she was higher maintenance than other girls and felt there was no obvious reason for Toni to want her. Right now all she needed was to feel Toni against her. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby dragged her lips down Toni's and over the edge of her jaw, sucking lightly as she bent forward to wrap her hands around the backs of Toni's thighs. She stood up abruptly lifting Toni slightly out of the water and onto her frame, making Toni's legs wrap around her hips. </p><p> </p><p>Toni looked down breathlessly at the intersection of their bodies. Tucking her nose under Toni's, in one swift movement, Shelby tilted her face up so she could kiss her softly letting her lips and tongue linger before separating with a muted pop. </p><p> </p><p>Toni was so lost in the sensation of Shelby's attention that she didn't even notice when Shelby turned them around and started walking them toward the shore. In ankle-deep water, Shelby lowered to her knees with Toni still wrapped around her.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby secured Toni to her frame with an arm around her lower back and kissed down along her neck before licking and biting at the juncture of her neck and sternum. </p><p> </p><p>Toni brought her hands to either side of Shelby's face, and tilting her face upward looked her dead in the eyes before panting brokenly, "Shelby…”</p><p> </p><p>The affirmation was extremely sexy and exasperated the growing heat in Shelby's stomach. In a singular, swift motion Shelby pushed her back into the inch of water with a small splash and pushed Toni's arms above her head holding her wrists firmly in place, immobilizing Toni's desperate hands. </p><p> </p><p>Leaning forward Shelby mounted Toni and capturing her lips, needily ground her hips forward into her. </p><p> </p><p>The suddenness of Shelby's actions left Toni totally dazed, this was officially her best high ever. However, she wasn't accustomed to being the center of attention like this, and while it was completely intoxicating, it was also a lot all at once. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby quickly withdrew when Toni uttered her name in the most lamely arrestive tone she was currently capable of. Looking frantically for what was wrong Shelby asked, "What is it? Are you okay? Oh no, did I do something wrong?" Shelby asked, hovering at a distance above Toni’s face, wet locks of hair curtaining her. </p><p> </p><p>Toni was struggling to catch her breath and dropped a free arm across her face. </p><p> </p><p>"I'm okay-" Toni said pausing to breathe and dropping her arm, "I just- it was a <em> lot </em> and I need to breathe." Shelby looked confused and slightly uncomfortable, realizing this Toni reached up to hold Shelby's hair away from her face and rub reassuring circles on the crux of her jaw and cheekbones. "It was sooo good, you are so good. I've never been this turned on…” Toni pulled Shelby back down to kiss her jaw and hotly breathed against her skin, “You are so fucking hot." </p><p> </p><p>Shelby ground down into Toni out of necessity. Toni gasped at the feeling of Shelby’s body needily pressing into her’s. </p><p> </p><p>It was extremely hot, Shelby taking what she needed and so different from their first time. The thought briefly crossed Toni’s mind that it was Shelby who had held back. </p><p> </p><p>Gathering her faculties, Toni stood up and led Shelby out of the water onto the smooth mossy ring of short grass. </p><p> </p><p>Before Shelby could kiss Toni, who was finally stationary, Toni dropped to her knees running her hands down Shelby’s body and, with her hands on her hips, pulled them together. She kissed below Shelby’s left rib and just above her navel. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby moaned at the feeling of Toni’s hot mouth and hungrily watched her while trying to breathe normally. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby’s hands floated aimlessly at her sides not knowing where to land. </p><p> </p><p>Leaning her chin against Shelby’s midriff Toni looked up, slid her fingertips over the dark fabric below the curve of her breasts and with adoring eyes said, “Take this off.” </p><p> </p><p>While Shelby eagerly pulled the ink blue straps of her bra down her shoulders and fumbled at her back Toni made headway lower down, slowly pulling off her shorts. </p><p> </p><p>Toni undid the now-familiar buttons at the front of Shelby’s shorts. She pulled the tattered jeans over one hip and kissed, as if in worship, before switching to the other side with equal care. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby slowed her frantic effort to remove her own bra and calmly slid it the rest of the way off. The image of Toni genuflecting in front of her, kissing her body in slow adoration was entirely arresting. </p><p> </p><p>This was distinct from the lust that had been speeding them forward. This was supposed to be about affirming their desire for each other, but the way Toni was touching her now was so much more than that. </p><p> </p><p>With Toni’s nimble fingers guiding her, Shelby stepped out of the shorts and stood in just her underwear. </p><p> </p><p>Toni continued her gentle administrations paying tribute to soft sun-kissed curves. She was stopped by a hand under her chin. Looking up she was surprised to find tumult in the pale green eyes she’d unexpectedly come to anticipate. </p><p> </p><p>“Shelby, What is it?” Toni said standing up promptly. “Did you not like something?” Toni continued nervously.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby turned away slightly, feeling exposed both physically and emotionally. She looked down at both of them, her own bare chest and Toni’s still semi-clothed body, and blushed deeply. </p><p> </p><p>Following Shelby’s gaze, Toni realized and suddenly felt rude “Oh, umm… Sorry, I-”. Toni scanned for Shelby’s shorts and bra but stopped not really wanting the articles back in place. </p><p> </p><p>With either hand at the opposite rib, Toni pulled her sports bra over her head. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby gave that same adorable look of awe she had the first time she took Toni’s bra off. It made Toni smile to be so adored, nothing else had ever made her feel so sexy, except maybe hitting a three-pointer on the buzzer… How would Shelby look at her then? Ah, Focus Toni! Lesbian in disrepair. </p><p> </p><p>“Now we’re even...”Toni said, taking Shelby’s hands. “Can you tell me what it is?” She asked tenderly. </p><p> </p><p>They had been so hurtful to one another that it surprised them both how natural it felt to offer the other a more caring affect. </p><p> </p><p>Looking at Toni shirtless while high proved beyond overwhelming, Shelby leaned her forehead against Toni’s to quell a cacophony of feelings. “Can we just sit down for a minute?” Shelby asked, trying not to sound too desolate and letting her accent ring. </p><p> </p><p>“Of course,” Toni said, sitting down on a large, sun-warmed rock in front of Shelby. Shelby looked for where to sit, unable to make up her mind how close to be to Toni. Observing Shelby’s frustration, Toni leaned back offering her lap with her hands suspended at her sides. </p><p> </p><p>Thankful for the lifeline, Shelby hesitantly sunk into her lap. Toni suppressed a moan at the feeling of Shelby’s bare ass against her leggings. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby sat diagonally on Toni’s lap unsure what to do with her hands. Toni took Shelby's hands in hers and wrapped her arms around her neck turning them more fully toward each other. The motion caused Shelby’s chest to sweep across hers and Shelby sank into the juncture of her neck at the sensation, effectively bringing their naked torsos flush. </p><p> </p><p>They both breathed out roughly at the contact. Regaining herself, Toni pulled away slightly to look Shelby in the eye. “Wow… I’ve been thinking about this for days.” She said looking at Shelby and trying to blink the lust out of her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Dropping her gaze Shelby asked, “Have you?” When the silence continued Shelby looked back up at Toni who just stared in confused amusement. </p><p> </p><p>Slowly nodding her head Toni answered “Yeah, Shelby. Why wouldn’t I?” Shelby felt stupid for needing affirmation, but she still did. “I don’t know, it jus- Well, the last few days you’ve just been kind of distant… So I thought maybe you didn’t want thi- me... anymore.” Toni’s heart ached at every word.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby diverted her gaze in acute embarrassment when she saw the way Toni was looking at her. “Maybe it's stupid,” Shelby said hiding her face in her hands, “I don’t know” she muffled into her hands. </p><p> </p><p>Toni felt for Shelby, how new this all was to her. “Shelby, look...” Toni ran her hands up Shelby’s back. </p><p> </p><p>It was still unclear what Shelby’s needs afforded them, so Toni was always tentative, like driving with a provisional license on the freeway.</p><p> </p><p>“We have to give you whatever time you need, I'm not going anywhere. None of us are...” Toni said sincerely. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby dropped her hands to glower at Toni for her flippant retort. </p><p> </p><p>Toni smiled at Shelby’s reappearance. “Honestly… it feels painfully obvious how much I want you, and, well, I just wanted to make sure I was giving you any space you might need. <em> Also </em> , between the two of us, <em> I'm </em> not really the flight risk…” she said nudging Shelby, a smug grin firmly in place. </p><p> </p><p>Now Shelby looked guilty, remembering how she fled after stealing that first kiss from Toni. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Shelby said, having to laugh at the irony, “But do you just ‘want’ me, well like <em> this </em>?” Shelby asked all nerves and dissonance. “Or-” perceiving the crinkle in Toni’s forehead, the thought lost any traction and she couldn’t finish the sentence. </p><p> </p><p>“I'm sorry,” Shelby said, dropping her arms from Toni’s shoulders. “I know I’ve hurt you and I wish I could change that. It isn’t fair of me to ask for more maybe,” she said defeatedly. </p><p> </p><p>Toni flinched at the reminder, it all felt fresh yet distant. To be clear, It hurt, but Toni learned a long time ago, the hard way, that people don’t usually hurt each other for no reason. When Shelby yelled at Toni, judged her, drew God like a sword against her... it was her own throat she held its burning edge to. It was the compulsion of a shallow love and a deep hate that had conditioned Shelby to all of these instincts, defenses. </p><p> </p><p>“I forgive you,” Toni said with steadfast certainty. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby snapped her head up looking at Toni, confused and shocked. “What?” Shelby asked. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay… maybe try not to look so surprised?” Toni said with raised eyebrows and a wide smile. Shelby laughed and shook her head trying to look neutral, but her confusion was still evident. “I just get it,” Toni said leaning back and explained, “I mean… This may surprise you, but I can run <em> pretty </em> hot.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby burst out in laughter, “Ya don’t say?” Toni laughed, “Alright, alright… fair enough.” </p><p> </p><p>Lifting a hand to ghost over the small pink scar at Shelby’s left temple, she said “And I have my <em> own </em> regrets…” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby pressed Toni’s hand to her head letting her caress the tender spot, they seemed to have a lot of those. </p><p> </p><p>“S’forgiven,” Shelby said. Toni looked like she thought it was too easy, but leaned in to replace her hand with a kiss like Marty used to give her when she had “ouchies”. </p><p> </p><p>While it would be ideal to have nothing to forgive, in a roundabout way it almost felt good. Forgiveness was something that had evaded them both and always felt exclusive to those more deserving. Shelby’s parents couldn’t forgive who she was and no one in Toni’s entire life, save Marty, could forgive her anger. It was nice to readily offer it to each other where everyone else had not. </p><p> </p><p>Pulling away Toni lifted Shelby’s chin slowly and placed a chaste kiss at the corner of her mouth. Shelby unconsciously chased her lips to no avail.</p><p> </p><p>“I want whatever you can give me, Shelby. Just because you can’t give me everything at once doesn’t mean I’m going to bail.” Toni said, shrugging. “I just- I want you to go at your pace and do things because you're ready not because of pressure on my end,” she said with a candid earnest. </p><p> </p><p>It seemed that Shelby’s would always be in amazement of Toni. She held a deep reverence for the resilience that had been required of Toni but was continually surprised by her withstanding capacity for tenderness. </p><p> </p><p>“What if I hurt you, I- I’ve hurt people before,” Shelby said, shuddering at the thought. </p><p> </p><p>“I trust you Shelby, and that’s a risk I'm willing to take,” Toni answered, pulling her closer. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby let out a repressed breath and wrapped her arms back around Toni’s neck running her hands through her still damp ponytail. </p><p> </p><p>Breathing out deeply, Shelby asked, “Can I kiss you now?”, making Toni laugh. “You don’t really need to ask, do y-” Shelby’s lips cut her off. </p><p> </p><p>They both breathed out in relief. The kiss was sweet and slow at first, Shelby gently pressing her lips to Toni’s, softly caressing her lips with her own. This was the kind of closeness they both imagined throughout the usual monotony of their days; gentle, warm, casual expressions of affection.  </p><p> </p><p>When Toni tried to deepen the kiss Shelby slowly pulled away. Toni looked at her confused and impatiently leaned in only for Shelby to deny her again.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby ran her thumb sensually across Toni’s bottom lip, looking at her through hooded eyes. Toni desperately chased her touch and taking Shelby’s hand in hers enveloped her finger in the warmth of her mouth, sucking lightly. Shelby moaned so loud she thanked god for the distance from any form of society. </p><p> </p><p>Toni kissed down Shelby’s hand to her wrist where she gently bit before licking over the soft skin there. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby, watching Toni work, breathed out, “Fuck..” Toni found it extremely hot when Shelby swore, it surprised her how perfect curses sounded in that round drawl. </p><p> </p><p>Toni kissed Shelby’s bare shoulder and prodding her temple with her nose asked breathlessly “Let me kiss you.” Shelby came up with no words and only leaned into Toni’s touch. </p><p> </p><p>Unsatisfied by the lack of response Toni dipped her tongue in the shell of her ear and nipped at the lobe making Shelby’s breath hitch. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby lifted up and immediately swung her knee around Toni’s hips so she was sitting in her lap facing her. She kissed Toni hotly and arched into her body, enjoying the feeling of her bare torso, now warm from the sun. </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s hands found Shelby’s hips and supported the subtle grinding motion she subconsciously pursued. Because Toni was a few inches shorter, she had to tilt her head up to reach Shelby’s lips. Shelby took full advantage of the height difference, dominating the kiss, parting Toni’s lips with hers, and dragging her tongue teasingly over Toni’s lips.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby kissed down Toni’s jaw and stopped at the crux of her neck to leave open-mouthed kisses and love bites, drawing broken moans out of her. Toni swept her hands over Shelby’s lower back past the silk waistband of one of Fatin’s thongs--Toni honestly thought they were kind of hot but wished to see Shelby in her own--and over her ass squeezing lightly. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby fell into Toni at the feeling of her soft hands massaging her ass, breathing roughly she struggled to regain her balance. Toni gracefully took control of the moment and placed her hands at either side of Shelby’s face directing her to kiss her. Still, out of breath Shelby did her best to fulfill the request and messily returned the kiss. </p><p> </p><p>Trying to help Shelby calm down Toni ran her hands up and down her sides and kissed her face sweetly. </p><p> </p><p>“Feeling the pot, huh?” Toni asked in her raspy inflection, giggling at Shelby’s obvious high. Shelby found it funnier than she expected and laughing responded, “Something like that.”  Toni then kissed down her neck and across her clavicle. Ghosting her lips down over the swell of Shelby’s breasts she kissed below her right breast and then the lower curve of her breast making Shelby moan expectantly. </p><p> </p><p>Following the affirmation, Toni took Shelby’s right nipple into her mouth and flattened her tongue over the sensitive skin before twirling her tongue in a circle and sucking lightly. Toni used the hand not wrapped around Shelby’s waist to tease her left breast, brushing a light thumb across her nipple and then squeezing. </p><p> </p><p>“Toni,” Shelby said breathlessly and arched into her. She was a writhing mess, unable to stay still as the heat burned in her lower stomach and her wetness increased. Her hands made their way to the back of Toni’s head and to the ponytail securing her hair. She slowly pulled Toni’s head back to kiss her and carefully removed her ponytail. </p><p> </p><p>With her ponytail removed Toni looked slightly self-conscious. They didn’t exactly have time for anything beyond basic hygiene and Toni’s curls had evolved to sentience. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby drank in the image of Toni, her sunburnt nose, windswept hair, and dark brown eyes. “Lord,” Shelby breathed, raking her eyes over her, “You are so beautiful,” Shelby said it like a thought that would otherwise only be verbalized when thinking out loud as if Toni wasn't even present and she was merely making casual observations. </p><p> </p><p>The subtle admission made Toni feel hot all over. She kissed Shelby deeply, eliciting a startled moan that vibrated against her lips. </p><p> </p><p>Toni ran her hands down Shelby’s long legs and was disappointed to feel the hard rock beneath her knees. Hooking her hands under Shelby’s thighs she lifted her up and turned them around so that Shelby was sitting comfortably on the flat of the rock. </p><p> </p><p>Kneeling in front of Shelby, Toni inspected her knees that were looking uncomfortably red, and kissed both of them in apology. Shelby felt like she could melt by these simple touches from Toni. </p><p> </p><p>Toni stood up to meet Shelby’s eager lips and slowly pushed her back against the rock so that she was lying down. </p><p> </p><p>Supported by one knee against the rock Toni began a slow trail of hot kisses down Shelby’s body, stopping to nip at the underside of her breasts. Toni kissed the middle of Shelby’s stomach above her navel and Shelby arched into her, moaning headily. Toni then dipped her tongue passingly into Shelby’s navel and bit at her hips above the hem of her borrowed underwear. </p><p> </p><p>Looking up at Shelby who had propped up on her elbows to watch, Toni hooked her thumbs under the waistband toward her inner thigh and kissed over the material covering her pubic bone, still maintaining eye contact. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby’s mouth dropped open at the sight of Toni kissing her there and she instinctively rolled her hips down toward her. </p><p> </p><p>Toni waited for confirmation from Shelby to remove the thong. “Toni, please..” Shelby pleaded. </p><p> </p><p>That was enough for Toni, she pulled the material down Shelby’s legs, helping her lift her hips, and past her ankles. She kissed the inside of Shelby’s left ankle, the inside of her knee, and her inner thigh just removed from where Shelby wanted her. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby dropped her head back at the agony of anticipation, her head thudding slightly against the hard rock. She looked back up when Toni stopped to see her sliding off her own shorts. </p><p> </p><p>Toni rolled up her shorts and crawled up Shelby’s body with one knee between hers. She lifted Shelby’s head and slid the shorts behind her head. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby unable to wait shamelessly ground into Toni’s thigh, the sight made Toni impossibly turned on. This was almost how she had imagined Shelby... getting off with her whirlpool, naked, hair wet, arching her body, but with legs slung over the edge of her bathtub. </p><p> </p><p>Dropping some of her weight onto Shelby to lend pressure, Toni kissed her jaw and commanded into her ear “Don’t stop.” Shelby gasped at the tone of her voice and picked up speed, rolling her hips feverishly into Toni. </p><p> </p><p>“How does it feel?” Toni breathed against her ear, “With the weed.” </p><p> </p><p>“Ahhh,” Shelby sighed, her voice breaking. “ You feel so good, Toni.” Shelby pulled Toni back, she wanted to look at her while she used her to satiate her arousal. The sight made Toni dizzy, she felt like peeking behind a divine curtain, seeing Shelby like this. </p><p> </p><p>Toni pushed back to her knees and quickly turned Shelby’s yelp from the loss of contact to a high-pitched exclamation of pleasure, pressing her tongue flat against Shelby’s clit. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby threw her hands behind her head desperately gripping the shorts there. Her hips moved of their own accord chasing Toni’s mouth. Her entire body felt suspended by electricity. </p><p> </p><p>Toni lifted Shelby’s knees over her shoulders to give her more space, and Shelby crossed her ankles against Toni’s back to pull her closer. When Toni circled Shelby’s entrance with her tongue Shelby reached her hands down desperately searching for Toni’s. Toni intertwined their fingers squeezing reassuringly. </p><p> </p><p>Toni moaned against Shelby at her taste and pushed her tongue into her. Shelby let out a guttural, breathy moan in elation as Toni’s tongue filled her. </p><p> </p><p>Toni continued to tease her entrance like this briefly dipping in and out. She replaced her tongue on Shelby’s clit and slid a single finger into her, stimulating her entrance with the angle of her knuckle as she slowly pulled out before sliding back in and curling against her front wall. </p><p> </p><p>After their first time, Toni learned that Shelby favored external stimulation and this way she could focus on her clit and vulva while still getting to feel her warm walls contract around her as she came. </p><p> </p><p>Curling her finger again Toni stroked Shelby’s g-spot, causing her to curse under her breath as her movements became inconsistent. </p><p> </p><p>Their first time Toni had barely gotten a chance to explore Shelby and this was her first time having her g-spot properly stimulated. “Oh m- Fuck,” Shelby panted. </p><p> </p><p>Feeling Shelby approaching her climax, to prolong her arousal, Toni irregulated her tongue and cautiously added a second digit, stretching Shelby and increasing the surface area against her front wall. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby hissed at the feeling of Toni’s fingers stretching her lightly. Her own fingers had never felt this good. </p><p> </p><p>Paying close attention to Shelby’s reaction, Toni sped up her fingers maintaining a precise rhythm to meet the motion of Shelby’s hips. As Shelby’s walls began to flutter around her fingers, Toni returned to the consistent motion around her clit. </p><p> </p><p>The combination of Toni’s mouth and fingers made Shelby lose any proximity to control. </p><p> </p><p>When Toni wrapped her lips around Shelby’s clit and sucked lightly Shelby threw an arm over her mouth to repress a scream. Toni promptly pulled her arm away, wanting to hear her, and continued sucking her clit. She curled her fingers sharply one final time, making Shelby scream again, this time uninhibited, and Shelby arched her entire body toward Toni as she came harder than she ever had. Shelby held Toni in place with her legs and rode her orgasm out with Toni moaning against her core at the sight. </p><p> </p><p>As Shelby’s erratic motions slowed down Toni ran her hands soothingly over her lower stomach. Toni licked lightly across the inside of Shelby’s thighs and through her folds cleaning her. Shelby gasped, still sensitive. </p><p> </p><p>Finally coming to, Shelby looked down at Toni who was looking up at her, equally speechless, with an indescribable smile, sliding her hands back and forth over her thighs with care.</p><p> </p><p>“Come here,” Shelby said, reaching for Toni with both hands. Toni kissed the palm of Shelby’s left hand and continued crawling up with Shelby’s hands bracketing her jaw. She propped herself up against the rock with her forearms on either side of Shelby’s shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>Toni brought their foreheads together and they both just breathed. Shelby slid her nose playfully over Toni’s and laughed warmly, “You’re incredible.” she said burying her face into Toni’s cheek. </p><p> </p><p>Breathily Toni said, “I feel like I should be the one saying that…” Shelby pulled back to look at her and brush away stray pieces of hair, “How do you mean?” she asked.</p><p> </p><p>Remembering her delicious sounds and urgent movements Toni raked her eyes over Shelby, “I almost came just watching you.” she said subtly rocking into Shelby.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby just stared in awe, it was difficult to believe she turned Toni on that much. </p><p> </p><p>Toni laughed nervously and with a crinkle in her brow asked, “Too much?” Shelby snapped out of it and quickly responded in a litany of affirmation, “NO! I mean… No, not too much at all.”</p><p> </p><p>Ghosting her fingers over Toni’s hairline Shelby said, “It’s just kind of hard to believe,” Toni just stared at her confused. Shelby blushed, realizing the stupid thing she had to explain, “You’re just, so… ya know.” she said gesturing to Toni in general as if it would clarify. Toni just laughed curiously, her quizzical look unchanged. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby sighed in defeat and a little more high pitched than she intended said, “So gorgeous, and funny, and cute,” thinking to herself she continued, her favorite features bubbling up after the rest, “passionate, soft, sexy…”. Shelby’s attention slipped into memory. </p><p> </p><p>Toni cleared her throat, drawing Shelby’s attention. Shelby blushed profusely realizing herself, “Ah Jeez, I did not just say that.” she said recoiling. </p><p> </p><p>With a shit-eating grin, Toni leaned in and with her lips hovering over Shelby’s said, “Ya know… I <em> also </em> think you’re gorgeous,” punctuating each word with a sweet kiss, “funny, cute, passionate,” Toni ran her hand up Shelby’s arm, “...Soft, sexy,” she finished kissing her passionately, making Shelby moan in delight. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby slipped her hands over the small of Toni’s back pulling her flush to her. Toni broke the kiss in a wet pop at the unexpected feeling of Shelby’s naked body against her. </p><p> </p><p>Seizing the moment, Shelby slid her fingers under the edge of the cheeky bottoms Toni wore and lightly dragged her nails over her ass. “Gaahh-” Toni gasped. </p><p> </p><p>Leaning up to meet Toni Shelby nipped at the edge of her ear and breathed out, “I want you.” The candor of the statement made Toni’s body buzz with desire, she pressed down into Shelby rolling her stomach and then her hips against her, and Shelby arched up to meet her movement. </p><p> </p><p>Sitting the rest of the way up, Shelby spoke against Toni’s impatient lips, “We need to change positions.” Toni distractedly kissed her, not listening even as the rock dug into her shins. “Toni,” Shelby said warningly between kisses. Stealing herself, Shelby pushed Toni back and catching her breath said, “Up, now.” </p><p> </p><p>Urgently complying, Toni stood and reached out a hand to help Shelby up too. Standing a few inches apart Shelby dragged her eyes up Toni's body and back down again. </p><p> </p><p>Toni began to inquire about her reaction, “Shel-”, but was cut off by Shelby placing three fingers over her lips. “Shhhh,” Shelby said, “Ju- just let me…” Reaching out in front of her, Shelby ghosted her hands all the way up Toni’s body from her thighs. </p><p> </p><p>It was a consuming almost-touch, not settling anywhere decisively but instead trying to feel all of Toni at once. The feeling was overwhelming but also not enough. Toni’s body shuddered, desperate for Shelby to touch her, but Shelby only continued lightly tracing the outline of her body. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby dragged her fingers lightly over Toni’s breasts, tracing their curve. “Shelby..” Toni said, her chest rising and falling desperately.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby pressed her hands to Toni’s chest feeling the soft weight of each breast and stepped to her closing the distance between them. Toni moaned, arching into Shelby’s hands. Shelby kissed her with an open mouth sliding her tongue past Toni’s parted lips. </p><p> </p><p>Hot and needy, Toni kissed Shelby back with equal force placing her hands at the back of her head. Toni licked into Shelby’s mouth but before she could change the angle of the kiss Shelby lightly wrapped her lips around Toni’s tongue and sucked before letting go and pecking her lips.  </p><p> </p><p>Spurred on by Shelby’s experimentation, Toni reached for Shelby’s hips and pulling her closer slid her hands over her ass and squeezed just below the curve of her butt, the edge of her fingers snaking between her thighs. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby broke the kiss in a gasp and taking Toni by the wrists removed her hands. Shaking her head she said, “It’s not your turn.” Toni pouted at her but was too turned on to protest. </p><p> </p><p>Stepping around Toni, Shelby wrapped her arms around her waist pulling her back into her. Shelby pushed Toni’s hair to the side and kissed a trail from her shoulder to her neck, making Toni arch her head away, exposing more skin. </p><p> </p><p>Using her opposite hand Shelby brought Toni’s chin around so she could kiss her, Toni eagerly returned her affection at every opportunity. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby slid her hands up Toni’s body and teasingly tweaked her nipples between her thumb and index fingers. Toni instinctively drove her hips backward and Shelby ground her front against her ass. Toni broke the kiss, moaning at the feeling of her backside pressed into Shelby. </p><p> </p><p>The excitement growing in Toni made her misstep but Shelby balanced them both. Sliding her fingers under the band of Toni’s underwear Shelby sexily spoke into her ear “Can I take these off?” Toni only nodded quickly. </p><p> </p><p>Lowering herself, Shelby pushed the underwear over Toni’s round ass and slid her hands the rest of the way down with the article, helping her step out of them. </p><p> </p><p>Toni twisted at the waist to watch Shelby undress her. On the way back up Shelby kissed the inside of her knee and just under her right butt cheek towards her inner thigh. Toni moaned obscenely at the press of Shelby’s perfect lips. </p><p> </p><p>Toni had been touched more intimately than this before but in a lot of ways, all of these small intentional touches and kisses were the most intimate things Toni had ever experienced. </p><p> </p><p>Standing back up Shelby raked her hands over Toni’s now bare backside. She pulled them back together with her right arm around Toni just below her breasts. With her other hand, Shelby squeezed deliciously at the tender place between Toni’s hip and mons. </p><p> </p><p>Twisting her around by the hips, Shelby turned Toni to her, and with Toni’s hands loosely in hers, she led them backwards into a patch of short grass where the sun broke through the porous canopy. </p><p> </p><p>Sitting down with her legs extended in the grass in front of Toni, Shelby extended a hand curling her fingers toward her. “Come here,” Shelby said with hooded eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Toni padded over to Shelby, who stared with hungry, lingering eyes as she slowly lowered into her lap. Shelby immediately slid her arms behind Toni, her forearms covering the length of her back. Toni in turn wrapped her arms behind Shelby’s neck. </p><p> </p><p>Pushing her knees to the sky, Shelby brought Toni closer with the tops of her thighs against her lower back. </p><p> </p><p>They both gasped in shock at the feeling of their finally bare bodies against each other and messily dropped their faces together, each’s frantic breath meeting the other's face. Shelby could feel the wet heat of Toni’s core against her lower belly. She couldn’t help but look down at the juncture of their bodies, where the heat she couldn’t stop thinking about was coming from. </p><p> </p><p>“This,” Shelby said against Toni’s lips, “I want you like this.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni moaned lewdly and bending at her knees dropped the rest of her weight into Shelby grinding against her front. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby bent forward, pinning Toni against her legs. They kissed urgently, Shelby led the kiss since Toni was now too absorbed. </p><p> </p><p>“Lift up a bit.” Shelby directed. Toni readily complied, returning some of her weight to her knees and creating space between them. Shelby wrapped one hand around Toni’s waist to assist her and slid the other gingerly through the wet heat of her folds. </p><p> </p><p>At the sensation of Shelby’s fingers gently exploring her, Toni paused the kiss breathing sharply into Shelby’s mouth. Shelby circled Toni’s clit and dipped briefly into her, teasing her entrance with two fingers. Toni dug her blunt nails into Shelby’s shoulder trying to be patient. </p><p> </p><p>“Does that feel good?” Shelby asked against Toni’s cheek. Toni only nodded and doing her best to provide Shelby edification responded with a short-winded, “ya-” Shelby circled her clit again and slowly pushed a finger fully into her, gasping at the elation of finally being inside of her.</p><p> </p><p>Becoming impatient and needy, Toni was ready to beg Shelby to just fuck her, please. However, at that moment Shelby spread her legs slightly under her making Toni’s legs follow suit. Then pushing back into her with a second finger, Shelby began a slow pace in and out curling her fingers as Toni had and using the heel of her hand to try and stimulate Toni’s clit at the same time. </p><p> </p><p>Toni began to bounce her hips up and down on Shelby’s hand desperate for more. Realizing Toni’s need for more, Shelby thrust up into her at a quicker pace using her hips to drive her hand. </p><p> </p><p>“Ahh fuck, Shelby.” Toni hissed. Shelby bit down hard at Toni’s neck and then licked soothingly. Shelby felt a distinct spongy texture against Toni’s front wall and focused the pressure of her fingertips there, causing Toni to release a guttural moan against her ear. It felt so good to hear Toni’s beautiful raspy voice making so <em> many </em> sounds for her. </p><p> </p><p>Toni dug her nails into Shelby’s shoulders and Shelby dropped her face to Toni’s chest kissing and licking at the tops of her boobs.</p><p> </p><p>“Shelby, ah- Im goin-” Toni panted as the electric knot grew in her stomach. Angling her hand, Shelby stroked her g-spot and finishing Toni’s sentence said, “You’re going to come.” She came instantly grinding down into Shelby’s wrist for friction as her orgasm continued. </p><p> </p><p>With her body shuddering, Toni said, “Don’t stop.” and to Shelby’s surprise whispered against her lips “Harder, please.” Shelby searched Toni’s eyes, wanting to be sure she understood her, Toni nodded continuing to roll her hips through her orgasm.  </p><p> </p><p>Shelby committed to a brutal pace, applying more pressure as she curled her fingers and inconsistently massaged Toni's clit. Toni used her arms around Shelby’s shoulders to lift herself up when her legs started to give out. </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s walls began to flutter around Shelby’s fingers again and moaning obscenely she spoke, “Shit, shit, ahhh-”. Watching her ride her fingers Shelby breathed out, “Oh my god..” Falling into Shelby, Toni came again covering Shelby’s fingers in her wetness. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby held Toni up running the hand not trapped between them across her lower back soothingly. Disoriented and fully sated, Toni leaned back to let Shelby remove her hand, biting her lip as Shelby pulled out of her. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby’s eyes were glued to Toni, “Did you just…” Shelby said looking at her in bewilderment. With a light, untethered smile Toni responded, “Yeah.” Shelby looked like a five-year-old who just met Santa for the first time, “Twice?” she asked. Biting her lip Toni confirmed with a slow nod. “Wow..” Shelby said, her eyes unfocused, “That's amazing.”</p><p> </p><p>“Speaking of amazing,” Toni said, dropping her forehead to Shelby’s, “Oh my god...” Shelby smiled at Toni’s compliment feeling very proud for making her feel so good. </p><p> </p><p>Sliding her hands down Shelby’s forearms Toni realized her hand was still coated with her cum. She lifted Shelby’s hand to her mouth and sucked each finger clean, making Shelby’s lips part. Shelby quickly kissed Toni opening her mouth with her thumb and index finger below her chin. Moaning into Toni’s mouth, Shelby spoke against her lips, “Mmm, you taste good.” </p><p> </p><p>Little things that Shelby did reminded Toni that she was not only “queer”... Shelby was <em> extremely </em> gay and Toni loved it. </p><p> </p><p>Toni laughed, her high still wearing off. “What is it?” Shelby asked. </p><p> </p><p>“Nothing, it's nothing. It just still is sort of shocking, doing this with you.” Toni said. Shelby felt uncertain and darted her eyes away as she asked, “Like… in a bad way?” Toni kissed her jaw and laughed into her temple, “Obviously not, dork.” Shelby squeezed Toni and met her lips sweetly. </p><p> </p><p>“Next time I want to taste you,” Shelby said boldly. A little breathless at the thought, Toni brushed the hair out of Shelby’s face and responded, “Anything you want.” </p><p> </p><p>With her arms around Toni’s waist, Shelby pushed her body forward pinning Toni beneath her in the grass. Shelby smiled above her cheekily.</p><p> </p><p>Toni just laughed her chest shaking and looped her hands behind Shelby’s neck playing with her hair. Shifting her weight over Toni, Shelby said, “<em> Anything </em>, huh?” Toni squinted her eyes cautiously and said “...Yes?” </p><p> </p><p>Innocently Shelby asked, “Why don’t you sleep in your hammock? Isn’t that why you made it?” Toni’s forehead wrinkled at the question, “Well yeah it is, but it's too cold away from the fire, so...” she said, shrugging nonchalantly. Shelby nodded, apparently thinking deeply, “I want to sleep with you.” </p><p> </p><p>On cue, Toni suggestively raised her eyebrows toward their bodies. Shelby slapped her on the shoulder in a playful reproach, “You know what I mean.”</p><p> </p><p>Toni smiled up at her but didn’t say anything, waiting for any thoughts she might otherwise interrupt. </p><p> </p><p>With the usual uncertainty creeping in, Shelby qualified her statement, creating an escape hatch for Toni, “Actually, it might not be super safe and-” Toni cut Shelby off resenting her polite self-deflation, “It’ll hold us,” she said pulling Shelby closer, “And if you sleep with me we’ll be warm.” </p><p> </p><p>Thinking about their dynamic Toni reluctantly asked, “What about everyone else?” Cogitating, Shelby focused on the curve of Toni’s upper lip and the cute freckle on her right cheek, “It still scares me a little but… well it's like you said, this is no one's business but our own.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni just smiled, feeling lucky to be under this amazing, complex person, happy for Shelby, happy for them. </p><p> </p><p>“Cool,” Toni said, trying to tame her excitement. Shelby kissed her with everything she always held back, and Toni’s insides radiated with affection. </p><p> </p><p>Pulling back suddenly Shelby said, “I don’t want to like-” she struggled with the unfamiliar rhetoric, “...come out to anyone or anything though. It just isn’t something I need and I don’t want to do that for anyone else. Does that make sense?” </p><p> </p><p>It was an enlightening thing for Toni, to learn how two people could be so different yet so similar. She laughed at a private joke and said, “Yeah, I get that.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni slid her hands up and down Shelby's biceps and playfully pouted, “I <em> was </em> kind of looking forward to a speech though...” With arched eyebrows, Shelby said, “Oh wow, a speech, huh?” Toni nodded. </p><p> </p><p>“Let’s see,” Shelby said, and placing a hand to her chest she continued, “I Shelby Goodkind, despite being <em> wildly </em> allergic to shellfish and the group’s resident homophobe… would like to formally let you all know that I want to eat Toni Shalifoe’s pussy like a mussel.” </p><p> </p><p>Before Shelby could even finish Toni was laughing uncontrollably, shaking Shelby on top of her. “Hahaha, wow. Ya know, on second thought maybe you should come out, I mean that was a really beautiful sentiment.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby sneered at Toni and pushed her face away from her when she pretended to tear up, “Idiot.” she said adoringly. </p><p> </p><p>Toni rolled them over so that Shelby was underneath her. Shelby looked up at her expectantly but Toni only leaned in halfway and then whispered across her face, “<em> This </em> ‘idiot’ is going to beat you to the water.” She stole an unsatisfactory kiss from Shelby and pushed up racing for the water. Shelby quickly rolled over and followed suit. </p><p> </p><p>When Shelby surfaced in waist-deep water Toni was waiting for her. Stepping to her, Toni draped her arms behind Shelby’s waist and tenderly pressed their lips together. It was a slow delicious kiss for the sake of closeness, devoid of any of the previous sexual energy.</p><p> </p><p>“I think that's great Shelb,” Toni said softly, “If anything is too much we can always adjust.” The endearing nickname was not lost on Shelby, she smiled appreciatively and nuzzling Toni’s nose said, “Thank you.” Lifting her hands to Toni’s face she stroked her thumbs over her sunburnt cheeks and said, “You’re sweet. Eventually, I <em> do </em> want you to expect things of me though…” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby didn’t want Toni to think that whatever this was would always be centric around her needs and her wants. </p><p> </p><p>Leaning her face into Shelby’s hands Toni said, “Okay, but for now can I just expect you to protect whatever this is? Because I think this could be good.”</p><p> </p><p>Overwhelmed by the sweetness Toni had for her, Shelby’s words died in her throat and she just nodded urgently saying, “Mmhh.” and kissed Toni with her hands behind her neck. </p><p> </p><p>“We should probably get back with the water in case anyone actually makes it off their ass,” Toni said, their foreheads together. Shelby laughed and said, “Okay, just let me clean you up a bit.” </p><p> </p><p>Knelt in front of Shelby, Toni blushed bashfully as Shelby cleaned the dirt from her face and brushed her fingers through her knotted hair. Though she had to admit it felt good to be taken care of, and Shelby’s fingers against her scalp could put any hairbrush to shame. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby finished with a kiss to each of Toni’s shoulders and led them out of the water to get dressed. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Arriving back at the campsite with the suitcase full of water, they were flocked by Dot and Martha who were battling two extreme cases of cottonmouth. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh thank God!” Dot exclaimed. Martha reinforced her elation saying, “I thought my tongue was going to fall off! Where were you guys?” </p><p> </p><p>Toni began to answer but was cut off by Shelby who said confidently, “Don’t go into the forest high because every tree looks like every other tree...” Toni smiled at her quick resolve. </p><p> </p><p>Next to Dot and Martha, Fatin stood arms crossed smiling knowingly at Toni and Shelby who both actively avoided her gaze. “Why are you guys so <em> wet </em>?” Fatin said, playing innocent.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby choked on nothing coughing violently and Toni lamely offered, “It was hot.”  </p><p> </p><p>Everyone else was distracted preparing canteens to boil the water. </p><p> </p><p>Fatin just nodded and looking between them said, “I'm sure it was…” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby and Toni both silently prayed for the second rapture that never came...</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Forging Promises in Fire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for leaving comments ya'll! I almost have the next chapter done and just forgot to post this, cringing at my brain... </p><p>I don't have specific pronouns for Toni or anyone else, I just appreciate the space and ambiguity that they/them allows.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Over dinner, the group discussed aspirational ideas for improving the ergonomics of their shelter. </p><p> </p><p>Feeling personally tormented by the island’s prevalent population of leggy insects, Rachel suggested getting off of the ground, and more than a few others animated at the idea. Fatin clapped her hands together saying, “Yes,” and straightened her posture in rare attention. </p><p> </p><p>Nora chimed in, “I wouldn’t mind <em> not </em> having sand in my ass crack all the time,” nodding thoughtfully. Everyone laughed at her unexpectedly humorous disposition. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay” Dot interrupted, “But we’ll have to make up for the loss of insulation somewhere else.” Shelby glanced around the campsite mentally mapping it out, “We could build a windbreak,” she said optimistically. </p><p> </p><p>Dot followed her gaze to the trees in front of their camp and understanding, nodded at the promising idea, “Huh… yeah, it would block the majority of the wind coming in over the water, and if we do it right the fire should burn significantly hotter.”</p><p> </p><p>“Exactly,” Shelby responded, appraising the space, “And we could do a second pitch to block the wind from our left.” Smiling, Dot sat up excitedly, “It’s actually a pretty good idea.” </p><p> </p><p>“Care to explain to us inside people?” Leah asked, squinting her eyes at them. </p><p> </p><p>Refocusing her attention, Dot explained, “It’s basically  just a wall to redirect the wind around us.” Shelby picked up explaining, “They’re convenient for hunting because they carry out easily, but ours will have to be more sturdy than not.”</p><p> </p><p>“Great, more building,” Fatin said slumping over, “It’s amazing you two <em> ever </em> didn’t get along,” she said gesturing between them. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby and Dot exchanged a sentimental look. They had come a long way and were both grateful for the other’s presence. </p><p> </p><p>“We should start tomorrow,” Dot said, taking a bite of smoked and dried goat. “Jocks?” she said, Rachel and Toni both looked up skeptically, “Want to take down some trees for us tomorrow?” </p><p> </p><p>The label didn’t sit well with either of them, but they silently conferred and agreed with a casual fist bump, nothing if not on brand. “Yeah, we’ve got it,” Rachel confirmed. </p><p> </p><p>After polishing off the rest of the goat the group slowly found their way into the hut one by one. </p><p> </p><p>Relieving Nora of her duties, Toni volunteered to feed the fire before going to bed, catching Shelby’s eyes fleetingly as she pushed up off of the makeshift bench. </p><p> </p><p>Martha cast her a dubious look but she quickly ducked away before she could be questioned and went to collect wood. </p><p> </p><p>Toni wasn’t sure how much notoriety Shelby was comfortable with so she decided to give her space to be surreptitious as it suited her. </p><p> </p><p>While everyone else sleepily settled into the padded floor of the hut Dot sat down next to Shelby around the fire and talked shop with her, trying to decide what would be the best construction. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby distractedly suggested a V shape to “cut the wind more efficiently,” while subtly trying to spy Toni. She did her best to look interested as she thought of a way to exit their conversation. </p><p> </p><p>“You know actually, I’ve got to tinkle,” Shelby said between Dot’s words and with wide eyes added unnecessarily, “Must have topped the tank off a little too high.” </p><p> </p><p>“Do what you gotta do man,” Dot said, slightly uncomfortable from Shelby’s odd behavior. </p><p>
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</p><p>Toni finished chopping and returned to camp with a modest bundle of wood to sustain the fire. Dropping the wood down quietly she scanned the sleeping, fidgeting bodies in the hut but didn’t find who she was looking for. </p><p> </p><p>Scanning the tree line she quietly snapped twigs with determination, dropping them into the fire before adding the larger split branches in a slow-burning log cabin lay. </p><p> </p><p>Finishing tending to the fire, Toni scanned the group again, they were now all sleeping soundly. Trying to be quiet, she walked around the campsite into the tree line. </p><p> </p><p>It was almost pitch black, only the warm muted glow of the fire and the stars aiding her vision. </p><p> </p><p>Stumbling in the dark Toni whispered, “Shelby..” and rotating around, walked backward, straining her eyes to see anything. </p><p> </p><p>Toni jumped subtly when Shelby silently wrapped her arms around her from behind before breathing out and relaxing into her touch. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby spoke with her nose nuzzled into the side of Toni’s head, “My Lord you’re warm,” a shiver rattling her voice. Running her hands up Shelby’s forearms Toni said, “Jesus, Shelby you’re freezing, c’mere.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni turned around and pulled Shelby to her chest. Her long sleeve shirt was toasty warm from hovering over the fire and Shelby, still shivering, gratefully sunk into her. </p><p> </p><p>Pulling Toni impossibly tighter to her Shelby burrowed her face into the crook of her neck, making Toni laugh quietly. “Better?” Toni asked adoringly. Shelby laughed into her neck and removing her face nodded.</p><p> </p><p>With her arms wrapped around Shelby, Toni rubbed her hands up and down her shoulder blades, gifting more of her heat. Holding each other’s gaze they both smiled with obvious relief. Shelby couldn’t imagine never being close to Toni like this.</p><p> </p><p>Eyes sweeping over Toni observantly, with faux-curiosity Shelby asked, “So tell me, is it a ‘jock’ thing to be warm all the time or...” Toni’s smile didn’t falter but she tilted her head back dramatically, “Ohhh, that’s very cute of you, being snide with your only source of heat,” she said, playfully threatening her. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby smiled sweetly at Toni’s amusement with herself, and with her arms around Toni’s lower back pulled them closer, making it clear that she was not to let go. Toni squeezed her back revealing the emptiness of the threat. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby dropped her head to Toni’s shoulder cuddling her. Toni leaned her cheek to the top of Shelby’s head and subtly swayed them. </p><p> </p><p>“Tired?” Toni asked quietly. Shelby sighed and said, “I really am.” Kissing her softly on the cheek Toni lazily prompted, “Let’s go to bed.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby walked them to the tree with Toni’s hands in hers behind her back. She easily scaled the tree to the branch below the hammock and offered Toni her hand pulling her the rest of the way up.</p><p> </p><p>Toni easily slid into the hammock and laying on her back held the branch where the hammock was securely tied, keeping it still for Shelby. Careful not to rock the hammock, Shelby slid in beside her falling together as the hammock dipped under her weight. </p><p> </p><p>The hammock was hung near enough to the tree’s trunk that they didn’t have to worry about falling, but would still avoid sudden movements. </p><p> </p><p>Their legs loosely tangling together, Shelby stretched out in ecstasy, “Woww, this is almost like being in a bed again.” Toni responded bubbly, “I know right,” and delighted in watching Shelby close her eyes as she relaxed deeper into their hammock. Toni followed suit and let a deep breath out at Shelby’s side, staring up at the sky. </p><p> </p><p>Looking between the black bowl of stars and Toni who gazed on in awe of the view, Shelby pictured Toni, young and excited to go to the planetarium only to learn she required a dependable guardian. Her heart clenched at the thought. </p><p> </p><p>Tracing her gaze, Shelby scooted in closer to share Toni’s perspective and pointed at the constellation she was circling, “That’s Cygnus,” she said. Toni focused on Shelby’s face as she spoke. </p><p> </p><p>“I was always taught it as ‘The Northern Cross’, the backbone God gave to the galaxy…” Shelby said wrinkling her forehead, “But I think the Greek had a better story. Phaethon, son of Helios, takes his father’s chariot for a ride but loses control of the reins and scorches earth. To save the world Zeus strikes down the chariot killing Phaethon. Cygnus, a good friend of Phaethon, dives repeatedly into the river to retrieve his remains, and Jupiter, upon observing the act of love, transforms Cygnus into a swan so that he can dive even deeper and immortalizes him in the night sky.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby remained staring at the constellation, locked into her own memory. She was surprised by Toni’s voice beside her. “Isn’t Helios the god of the sun? Why wouldn’t he help his child?” Toni asked doubtfully. </p><p> </p><p>The question surprised Shelby, it wasn’t something she’d thought about before, “I don’t know,” she said, Toni’s perspective blurring what was otherwise a fond memory of the myth. </p><p> </p><p>“Maybe he feared Zeus more than he loved his son,” Toni said simply with her eyes affixed to the sky. Shelby stared at the side of Toni’s face in thought and then back to the sky, “Yeah, maybe you’re right…”</p><p> </p><p>They remained like that enjoying the fantastic view and the mental reprieve. Toni slid her hand into Shelby’s between them and Shelby happily intertwined their fingers. </p><p> </p><p>Their position and the view was deeply familiar to Toni, reminding her of a different life. </p><p> </p><p>Toni rolled to her right so that she was on top of Shelby. Her legs between Shelby’s she crossed her arms over Shelby’s stomach and rested her chin atop her arms. </p><p> </p><p>“Thanks for the history lesson Galileo,” she said, playful yet sincere. Shelby smiled down at her and gently cupped her cheek, “I thought you weren't a fan of my ‘lectures’,” she teased arching her brows. </p><p> </p><p>Toni blushed and laughed into Shelby’s hand, mumbling, “Not all bad,” making Shelby smile even brighter. When Toni was at ease and not proactively fighting to protect herself, she seemed to shrink down to half her size.</p><p> </p><p>They both laid in silence, Toni with her head on Shelby’s stomach as she played with her hair and gently massaged her scalp, god did Toni love when she did that. </p><p> </p><p>“Have you ever done this before,” Shelby asked unexpectedly. Toni scrunched her brow and asked sarcastically, “Laid on your stomach at night? No… that would have been odd.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby rolled her eyes and clarified so Toni couldn’t dodge the question, “Have you ever been with a girl before?” It shocked Shelby how comfortable she was asking, but then she trusted Toni like no one else. </p><p> </p><p>Toni frowned and retracted from Shelby’s touch slightly, thinking to herself. Shelby watched her with worried eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah..” Toni said solemnly, “But it...  it didn’t end well,” struggling to get the words out. Shelby listened, feeling her pain second-hand, and watched Toni with now sad eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Through a shaky breath, Toni tried to collect herself and quickly breathed out the words she harbored deep within her, “I hurt them.” </p><p> </p><p>After a moment of silence, unable to meet Shelby’s gaze, embarrassed and afraid, Toni pulled away, “It’s kind of what I do to people,” she said laughing uncomfortably. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby reached for Toni’s hands on either side of her and clumsily taking them in her own asked, “What’s their name?” </p><p> </p><p>Toni bit her lip and responded, “Regan.” It was the first time she’d uttered her name in a long time and it made her smile despite herself. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby nodded and with great effort found her voice, “There was someone back home, and-” she struggled just as Toni had. Struck by the uncharacteristic dejection in her voice, Toni forgot her own pain and watched Shelby with tragic eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Breathing broken breaths Shelby fought to verbalize her past, “I hurt them too, <em> bad </em>..” she said shaking her head and slamming her eyes shut. </p><p> </p><p>After a long silence, Toni spoke, soft and firm, “You <em> won’t </em> hurt me.” Shelby snapped her eyes open looking at Toni and desperately searching her eyes. With a laugh breaking her voice she said, “I already have.” </p><p> </p><p>“Ehhh,” Toni said shrugging, “Sticks and stones...” Shelby looked at her disapprovingly, apparently not convinced. Toni shook her head at Shelby, smiling flippantly, “Whatever you’ve got in there,” she said scanning Shelby, “I can take it, I’m not going anywhere.” </p><p> </p><p>Unsettled, Shelby looked around Toni’s face, chasing a thought she couldn’t catch. Toni waited patiently and watched her fondly. Lifting Shelby’s hand to her lips, she kissed her palm. </p><p> </p><p>Turning her hand to hook under Toni’s chin, Shelby pulled her forward and leaning up, kissed her tenderly. When she broke the kiss her lips shook, brimming with fear and adoration, “You too.” Toni looked back with pained loving eyes as Shelby shook her head, “You won’t hurt me, you couldn’t.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni only pressed her forehead to Shelby’s and nodded, unable to talk through the lump in her throat. She kissed Shelby’s neck and whispered against her skin, “Thank you.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby pulled her closer and like that, Toni wrapped against her side with her face on her shoulder and Shelby’s chin resting on her head, they fell more deeply asleep than they had in a long time. </p><p>
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</p><p>At an offensively early hour Toni was awoken by Shelby moving beside her. “<em> Why </em> are you awake?” Toni groaned, her voice especially gravely from sleep, and blindly threw her arm around Shelby, holding her in place.</p><p> </p><p>“Good morning to you too,” Shelby teased in her singsong voice. Toni only burrowed deeper into her ignoring the sarcastic salutation. Shelby adoringly raked her nails over Toni’s scalp, making her humm delightedly and lol back to sleep. </p><p>
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</p><p>Shelby slipped out of the hammock and down the tree. Passing the campsite she dropped down on the beach her back against the small sand dropoff created by high tide. </p><p> </p><p>When they first got to the island Shelby would come to the water every morning and pray, but after a while she stopped praying and just thought, meditating on her feelings, defining that which was in her control. Shelby still loved God and wanted to believe that an omnibenevolent God would love her, but she was finally figuring out what that meant on her own terms. </p><p> </p><p>The sun was still blocked by the mountains at their back when Toni broke the quiet serenity of Shelby’s cogitation, loudly dropping down next to her. </p><p> </p><p>Toni settled against the sand shelf to Shelby’s right, letting her head drop heavy against the wall. They extended a cup of hot tea in Shelby’s direction. Shelby gratefully took the tea and raising it to her lips said softly, “You’re awake.” </p><p> </p><p>Closing her eyes Toni slid her back further down the shelf and yawning asked, “Yeah… <em> Why </em> are we awake?”</p><p> </p><p>Shelby laughed at Toni’s grumpy countenance, “Well <em> I’m </em>awake because I want to be, but why are you awake?” </p><p> </p><p>Still groggy, with the disposition of a toddler, Toni mumbled cracking an eye open, “You were gone.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby smiled endearingly at Toni, thinking it was cute of them to follow her out of bed. Dropping her head back to mirror Toni, she apologized and kissed her good morning. </p><p> </p><p>Pushing through her exhaustion Toni quickly returned the kiss lightly pressing her lips back to Shelby’s.</p><p> </p><p>With the bridge of their noses gently bumped together they breathed easily, Toni now feeling significantly more awake. Smiling ridiculously between themselves they pulled apart, both of them delighted to observe personal space with the knowledge that it was a choice, not a rule. </p><p> </p><p>Toni squinted her eyes at Shelby and looking around them investigatively, asked, “What are you doing?” Shelby shrugged, dropping her chin to her knees, “Oh you know... just thinking, reappraising my entire self-perception… the usual,” she said rolling her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>In some ways, Shelby had stepped out of a long fugue and was more herself than she had ever been allowed to be, but she was now faced with the impossible task of identifying herself among the many externally produced parodies she carried. </p><p> </p><p>It was always heavy, always cumbersome, carrying the weight of the person she was expected to be... but now, painfully aware of the vestigial body, its weight was crushing and she didn’t know how to let go of it without letting go of herself. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby sat up, “I don’t even know who I am anymore, not really. Maybe I never have,” she said quietly, looking out over the water like she might spot herself out there bobbing like a buoy. </p><p> </p><p>Toni was quiet, just watching Shelby think. She tentatively brushed a piece of hair away from Shelby’s face and dropping her hand to her neck, with nimble fingers straightened the disorderly, forgotten crucifix, centering it between her collar bones. Shelby looked back at her nervously as she rearranged the weighted symbol. </p><p> </p><p>“Just go easy Shelb… that’s a lot of pressure but you don’t have to figure it all out right now,” Toni said, offering a strained smile when Shelby looked at her. She laughed to herself, “And... as annoying as it is Nora is totally right,” she said shrugging, “The universe has a wicked sense of humor. As soon as you stop trying to know, finally, who you are, little pieces will just bubble up without you even noticing.”</p><p> </p><p>Shelby looked at her hopeful but slightly confused, “I’m not sure I follow…” she said. </p><p> </p><p>Squaring her shoulders to Shelby, Toni tried again, “Okay, umm, it's like this. At practice your coach tells you what to do and you perform strict technique, but in a game, well in a game you just play and <em> that’s </em> when you find out what kind of player you are,” she said smiling, proud of her analogy. </p><p> </p><p>Appreciative of the effort Shelby tried to understand but her strained smile and wrinkled brow said it all. Toni sighed, deflating slightly, “...You really don’t do sports do you?” Shelby laughed, shaking her head no. Thinking to herself Toni slumped over and zoned out staring at Shelby’s necklace. </p><p> </p><p>Toni straightened her posture, and trying again, determined to offer something helpful continued, “I don’t do guns so just stick with me…” Shelby smiled, now curious, and turned to face Toni more fully. </p><p> </p><p>“So you practice shooting at targets or whatever right?” Shelby nodded following intently. “And maybe someone gives you a gun with a sight thing and they tell you how to hit the target, and maybe you get really good at it”. Shelby shrugged but nodded, uncertain of where Toni was going with this. </p><p> </p><p>‘But shooting a good as dead thing is probably totally different from a living moving thing, and no matter how much someone prepares you or how they tell you it will be, it never is exactly how they say, and <em> you </em> are the one who has to pull the trigger. So you don’t think, you just do…” </p><p> </p><p>Tucking her chin Shelby was hit by the memory of her father teaching her how to calibrate the sights on her Remington and then scolding her on their first hunting trip when she let a doe and their baby fawn pass through her scope, disappearing into the shrubbery. </p><p> </p><p>Nervous to misstep, Toni paused to think and subconsciously reached a handout, playing with the frayed edge of Shelby’s shorts. “When you can’t be yourself, you try to figure out the perfect way to be what people expect you to be, but you don’t have to figure out how to be you, you just don’t think about it, and boom, there you are.” </p><p> </p><p>When Shelby didn’t respond Toni deflated in defeat letting go of her shorts. “Maybe that wasn’t the best example, kind of outside of my wheelhouse…” she said dropping her chin onto her forearms crossed over her knees. </p><p> </p><p>“No..” Shelby said, “That was actually really helpful... Thank you.” Toni smiled successfully and in that soft timbre that only surfaced for Shelby she replied, “Of course.”</p><p> </p><p>Shelby scooted forward so that her knees framed Toni’s between them and rested her hands on the tops of Toni’s thighs, rubbing her thumbs gingerly back and forth. She closed the space between them and kissed Toni deeply, treasuring the soft caress of her lips. </p><p> </p><p>Sitting with their legs extended between them in overlapping V shapes they sipped at their tea, Shelby teasing Toni about her general lack of know-how and vice versa.  </p><p> </p><p>Standing, they threw the rest of their tea back, Toni brushing the sand from her shorts. </p><p> </p><p>Toni turned to head for camp but looking back at Shelby, who hadn’t moved away from the water, stopped and asked, “You coming?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby tilted her head back toward the water, “I’ve got to clean my flipper,” she said, popping out the uncomfortable plastic body. </p><p> </p><p>Toni followed her to the shoreline, running some water through her hair to tame the many flyaways. “By the way, mad props for that brawl joke you made to Dot, even if it was wasted on her... Kind of blew my whole lasagna thing out of the water,” she said laughing through her words. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby laughed, cleaning her flipper, “Well I wouldn’t leave your dinner unattended just yet...” </p><p> </p><p>Narrowing her eyes, Toni scoffed, “You wouldn’t.” Shelby raised her eyebrows suggestively, “You sure?” she said, popping the flipper back in and turning toward the campsite leaving Toni to chase after her. </p><p>
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</p><p>When they approached the campsite everyone was busy, Dot showing Rachel what kind of materials they would need to construct the walls, Fatin helping Leah brush out a few killer knots, Martha tending to the fire, and Nora scribbling in her journal. </p><p> </p><p>A few pairs of eyes fell on them but really no one paid them any mind. Relationships degenerated and evolved pretty quickly throughout the group and they had all become used to the whiplash of each other’s capricious dynamics. </p><p> </p><p>Toni joined Dot and Rachel who nodded in greeting.</p><p> </p><p>“She finally stop trying to baptize you?” Dot asked, gesturing in Shelby’s direction. Toni looked back at Shelby who was chatting with Nora by the hut now, “Yeah.” </p><p> </p><p>“Good,” Rachel sighed, “It’s gotta be uncomfortable having a crucifix up h-” Toni interrupted the crude comment, “That’s unnecessary, isn’t it?” a little more heated than she intended. Rachel and Dot both stared in confusion. </p><p> </p><p>Calmer, Toni said, “She’s doing her best, just like all of us.” Dot and Rachel both looked a little startled but nodded apologetically, for what they weren’t sure. “Okay,” Dot said, affirming whatever Toni had going on. </p><p> </p><p>Rachel picked up the hatchet, presumably to cut the tension… “Let’s rollout.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni and Dot simultaneously said, “Sir yes sir.” Rachel stomped off with the hatchet mumbling, “Idiots..”, Toni in tow. </p><p>
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</p><p>Leaning over Nora’s shoulder Shelby peered at her sketch, “That map is looking a little sparse,” she said. Nora subconsciously pinched her shoulder blades together, startled by Shelby’s company, “Oh, Yeah… I’ve been meaning to transcribe more but I'm not very useful away from camp. You can’t exactly kill an animal with classical lit references...” </p><p> </p><p>With no room for argument, Shelby said, “Well that’s nonsense, you have been totally invaluable to us <em> all </em>. Why don’t you come with me today and we can try to see some more of the island?”</p><p> </p><p>Nora appreciated Shelby’s kindness but looked uncertain about leaving camp. Before she could protest Shelby was already packing water and the makeshift bludgeon. </p><p> </p><p>“Ready?” Shelby asked. Nora looked past the camp into the tree line where Toni and Rachel were killing a small tree, and having a little too much fun… Rachel whacked at the base of the tree with the hatchet and Toni followed each whack with a firm kick to the middle of the trunk. Rachel laughed hysterically when Toni accidentally missed the tree and fell forward to the ground. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Nora said, turning back to Shelby.<br/><br/></p><p>They made their way toward what they had decided was North, past the cocoa bean trees Dot and Fatin discovered, they were one of the landmarks on Nora’s map. There was a small climb between them and the still unexplored side of the island. </p><p> </p><p>“I swear, this island’s elevations are even more spastic than its weather,” Shelby said taking a precarious step over a large, jagged rock. Behind her and out of breath, Nora quipped, “Isn’t a mountain just a peak you haven’t reached yet...” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby laughed at Nora’s good-spirited impression of her, “Apparently not...  this one appears to be all mountain, no peak.” </p><p> </p><p>Reaching a modest vantage point, doubting they’d reach the top, they agreed it would suffice and dropped onto a fallen tree for a water break. </p><p> </p><p>They both breathed ruggedly and greedily swigged at their shared canteen. “I'm glad everyone doesn’t hate you anymore,” Nora said. Shelby froze, surprised by the comment and not knowing how to receive it. </p><p> </p><p>With a delayed awareness Nora observed Shelby’s discomfort, “Sorry, was that rude? I didn’t intend for it to be. I just meant that you appear to have a positive effect on the people around you,” she said in an objective tone. “Usually…” she added, nothing if not honest... </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, Nora,” Shelby responded, smiling in understanding. Nora didn’t have the most conventional methods of communication but like Shelby, she was well-intentioned. </p><p> </p><p>An awkward moment of silence passed between them, this was foreign territory for them both. </p><p> </p><p>“How did you deal with that?” Nora asked, chipping at the dilapidated pink paint of the bottle.</p><p> </p><p>“Everyone ‘hating’ me?” Shelby asked. Nora nodded in confirmation, not paying mind to Shelby’s subjective metabolization of her rhetoric. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby took a breath in, straightening her spine and deflating as she breathed out, “I mean I tried to interject myself into everyone’s space but I was really only putting off my own baggage by trying to carry other people’s.” Shelby looked out over the small valley below them, “You know, I think we have a more basic need to forgive each other than we like to admit, and for that I'm grateful.” </p><p> </p><p>Nora followed her gaze and scrunching her brow thought to herself, wondering if <em> everyone </em> had a psychological imperative for forgiveness or just some people...</p><p> </p><p>They descended into the valley, apparently more of the same everywhere but they were getting better and better at navigating in a non-urban setting. Each tree had a distinct impression on the brain and each trek a distinct impression on muscular memory. </p><p> </p><p>They pushed through an area of particularly dense foliage into a more open space that dropped off into a sea cliff 80 yards in front of them, the clearing was lazily dotted with a few large trees. </p><p> </p><p>Walking away from Shelby, Nora investigated a tall plant flowering with bulbous green bundles.</p><p> </p><p>Picking debris out of her hair, Shelby asked, “Is that-'' Nora cut her off, “No, that would be pretty ironic though… the only thing the evangelist and the nerd come back with is a kilo of weed,” she said laughing hesitantly with her chin tucked. </p><p> </p><p>Nora never could know when her perception would be consistent with those around her, so comedy could be pretty touch and go. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s quinoa,” Nora said smiling hopefully. “Like carbs?” Shelby asked, her hands pausing in her hair. Nora nodded pulling a few seeds loose. </p><p> </p><p>With this new information, Shelby rotated taking in the sheer number of stalks surrounding them. It was an inconsistent and scattered growth of mismatched red and green plants, but exceedingly prolific. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby’s jaw dropped, “Holy-” </p><p> </p><p>“Shit,” Nora finished. </p><p> </p><p>They spent half an hour pulling red dried bundles of grain from their stalks, and using Nora’s shirt, since Shelby’s was too porous, as a makeshift sack, carried out a good ten pounds of quinoa. </p><p> </p><p>“This is huge for us,” Shelby said, adjusting her grip on the edge of Nora’s shirt holding the cumbersome haul. Nora nodded, “This is definitely a ‘W’” she said, hoping she wouldn’t be the only one to say so. “But… you’d be surprised how fast eight people can extinguish a plant population. If we aren’t careful this could go very fast.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby hummed thinking to herself, “You think we should plant a crop? That’s a very long-term commitment of effort..” Nora nodded, “Yes, and historically we aren’t very good at long-term.” </p><p> </p><p>They both sighed and adjusted their grips again. The sack felt a little heavier and the trek a little longer the rest of the way back. </p><p>
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</p><p>When they returned to camp it was suspiciously quiet, no one bumbling around as was usual. </p><p> </p><p>Getting closer to the camp, Nora and Shelby spotted the rest of the group nervously crowded around two of them. </p><p> </p><p>Rachel and Toni, they both realized in the same moment, dropping the grain and dashing toward the group. </p><p> </p><p>Nora found Rachel’s side first, appeased to see she was okay. Laying her eyes on Toni, who was disorderly lent against a tree, Rachel holding her in support, bleeding from her head and her bicep, Shelby gasped and pushed between Leah and Fatin and past Martha. </p><p> </p><p>“Toni, oh my god,” Shelby said horrified, ghosting her hand over the minor gash at the upper right corner of her forehead, that had released an unnerving amount of blood down the side of her face. Shelby frantically inspected her, darting her eyes from her head injury down to her arm that was loosely wrapped in Rachel’s shirt, and breathed shrilly perceiving the deep crimson stain there. </p><p> </p><p>Everyone except Dot stepped back giving them space, and not really sure what was happening looked confusedly between themselves. Fatin just smiled and shrugged in response to Leah’s exaggerated expression. Realizing what Fatin already knew, Leah rearranged herself, bashfully holding her gaze with a tentative smile. </p><p> </p><p>“Wh- what happened?” Shelby said, shaking from the sight, “Your head it’s-” </p><p> </p><p>Pushing away from Rachel Toni stilled Shelby’s frantic hands in her’s, “It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m okay,” she said trying to reassure Shelby and wiped some of the blood away from her face with her shoulder, “Just a scrape, see?” She chased Shelby’s anxious eyes trying to get her to calm down. </p><p> </p><p>Her breathing still erratic, Shelby said “You are <em> not </em> okay! Look at you.” Raising Shelby’s hands, Toni sandwiched them beneath hers on either side of her face, “Shelby, breathe… I’m okay, I promise,” she said in a more intimate tone. Shelby reluctantly took a deep breath meeting Toni’s eyes. Finally relaxing, she dropped her forehead to Toni’s, careful to avoid the injured left side. </p><p> </p><p>Toni dropped her hands from Shelby’s, aware of the eyes on them, but not really caring so long as Shelby was panicking. Slightly relieved but still flustered, Shelby slid her hands into Toni’s between them and connected their lips in a delicate kiss, needing the reassurance. Unprepared, Toni fumbled before kissing her back. </p><p> </p><p>Pulling away, Shelby breathed easy and dropped her forehead to Toni’s cheek, the one not caked in blood. Toni wrapped her arms around Shelby, who was on the brink of tears. “What happened?” Shelby repeated, watery and upset. </p><p> </p><p>From Nora’s side, Rachel interjected, “Again, I am <em> so </em> sorry Toni, I could have sworn I called timbre.” Toni waved off the apology with the hand not holding Shelby’s head, “It's okay Rachel, I'm sure you did, I must have just been tired.” </p><p> </p><p>Unfazed by the intimacy of Toni and Shelby’s position, Dot stepped to them replacing the wet shirt around her arm with a gauze bandage, “We really need to disinfect this.” </p><p> </p><p>At the sound of Dot’s voice beside them, Shelby pulled back, quickly wiping her eyes. “Yeah, let’s get you sat down,” she said, pulling Toni’s intact right arm around her shoulders and looping her arm around her waist. </p><p> </p><p>Ignoring the few lingering stares, Shelby walked Toni toward camp helping her settle around the dwindling fire on one of the benches. Martha followed quickly behind them sitting at Toni’s left and helping her recline her head into her lap. </p><p> </p><p>“Did you already check for a concussion?” Shelby asked Dot. “No, but she remembers what happened,” Dot answered.  </p><p> </p><p>Shelby knelt in front of Toni who was experimentally feeling around the gash at her head, wincing when her fingers go too close. Martha swatted her hand away parentally, “Don’t mess with it, idiot.” Calmer now, Shelby said, “You seem pretty aware but I just want to make sure you don’t have a concussion. Can you answer a few questions for me?” Focusing Toni nodded and turned her head in Martha’s lap to face Shelby, “Yeah.” </p><p> </p><p>“Can you tell me your name?”... “Toni,”... Smiling Shelby said, “Good, and my name?”... “Shelby,” Toni said with a specific tenderness. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby rested her hand on Toni’s thigh, “And can you tell me where we are?” Laughing brokenly Toni responded, “Not even a black box could do that so…” Shelby smiled, delighted to see Toni’s sense of humor was unscathed, “So we know your frontal lobe is intact then...” </p><p> </p><p>“She’s had a few concussions before from drawing fouls,” Martha said to Shelby, “Does that make her higher risk?” Shelby winced thinking about Toni repeatedly taking big hits like that, but not trying to scare Martha, shrugged and said, “Maybe, but not necessarily.” </p><p> </p><p>Trying to sit up, Toni said, “Guys, I'm fine. I'm not dizzy and don’t feel nauseous.” Shelby promptly pushed Toni down by the shoulder, ignoring her attempt to downplay her condition. </p><p> </p><p>Dot handed Shelby the vodka and a few wipes from the medical bag. Shelby thanked Dot,  taking the disinfectants. “Sure. You know what you’re doing?” Dot asked. Shelby nodded and settled on the edge of the bench against Toni’s thighs, “This isn't going to feel good,” she said with her eyebrows apologetically scrunched together. Toni nodded and braced herself taking Martha’s hand in hers. </p><p> </p><p>Using a bundle of gauze to catch the alcohol Shelby carefully poured the vodka over the gash on her head. Toni bit down on her lip and clenched her jaw as the sting faded and Shelby cleaned away the blood. </p><p> </p><p>Letting out a strained breath Toni said, “Not so bad.” Shelby frowned, “Unfortunately that was the easy one…” she said peeking beneath the pad of gauze Dot had placed over her arm. </p><p> </p><p>The cut was deep. Conferring with Dot, who was standing behind her, Shelby said, “I think this might need stitches.” </p><p> </p><p>Shooting her head up from Martha’s lap Toni yelled, “What?! No, no, definitely not. I actually think I’m okay…” Martha stopped Toni’s attempt to get up with an arm across her chest. Toni looked at her warningly, “Marty… Let go.” Apologetically, Martha shook her head no. </p><p> </p><p>Meeting Shelby’s worried gaze, in confidence Martha said, “Not a huge fan of needles…” Toni shuddered at the word. Taking Toni’s hand in hers, Shelby squeezed and meeting her scared eyes said, “Toni, we need to close it or it won’t heal.” Reluctantly Toni nodded her head in understanding. Martha was grateful for the positive effect Shelby had on her in that moment. </p><p> </p><p>Dot tentatively lifted a stick toward Toni, “Bite down and don’t let go dude.” Panicking again, Toni looked to Shelby who was preparing a taper point needle for sutures. Trying to convey confidence, Shelby nodded sternly and Toni opened her mouth biting down on the stick. </p><p> </p><p>Not wanting to do it, Shelby handed the vodka to Dot, “Will you?” Dot nodded and knelt in front of Toni, between Shelby and Martha. </p><p> </p><p>Martha placed her hands on either of Toni’s shoulders holding her down. Shelby took Toni’s hands and smiling reassuringly said, “Big breath in with me, okay?” Toni nodded and followed Shelby’s lead taking a deep breath in. </p><p> </p><p>As the feeling of the alcohol hit the wound like a thousand knives, Toni screamed with the stick muffling her voice. Shelby watched clenching inwardly as Toni death gripped her hands. </p><p> </p><p>When her scream finally subsided, Toni lolled her head to the side dropping the stick, and roughly grabbed the bottle of vodka from Dot taking a long swig that made everyone raise their eyebrows. Lifting the bottle above her face Toni said, “Anyone else?” Martha, looking unsettlingly pale, quickly took the bottle and took a short swig, hissing at the burn.  </p><p> </p><p>“That was the worst of it,” Dot said reassuringly as she slipped away to help Leah take down the rest of the trees Rachel and Toni had been hacking away at, making sure they didn’t fall on anyone else. Shelby took her place beside Toni and assessed the laceration estimating how many stitches it would require, the wound was approximately two inches long so maybe twelve stitches total. </p><p> </p><p>Toni dropped her head to the side in Martha’s lap to look at Shelby. Reaching her hand toward Martha, Shelby took the bottle and handed it back to Toni with a sorry look. Taking the bottle Toni breathed, “Oh shit…” and took another longer swig.  </p><p> </p><p>Shelby took the bottle and set it down beside them. Brushing some hair away from Toni’s face she said, “Just don’t watch, okay?” Toni nodded and looked toward Martha. Taking a deep breath Shelby said, “Martha, maybe talking would help?” Martha nodded and tried to think of what to say. </p><p> </p><p>Squeezing Toni’s shoulders distractingly Martha smiled unconvincingly and started, “Hey, you know after homecoming game last year?” Toni nodded frantically, desperate for any distraction, “Well, remember how you tried to prank the other team’s captain by painting “my other ride is the bench” on their car but accidentally painted it on Mrs. Piclen’s car?” </p><p> </p><p>With a shrill voice, Toni said, “Marty what the fuck? Why would you bring that up now?! I don’t need to be more stressed!” Flailing her hands Martha said, “I don’t know, I'm scared Toni!” Matching her volume Toni responded, “You’re scared?! I'm the one about to be impaled!” </p><p> </p><p>A tad dramatic… </p><p> </p><p>Seizing the unconventional distraction, Shelby made the first suture. Spitting through her clenched teeth as she roughly breathed out, Toni swore under her breath and gripped the wood beneath her. </p><p> </p><p>Working quickly Shelby smiled and said, “Hey,”, making Toni look at her, “Have I told you how cute you look when you’re flustered?” Toni laughed from her gut, tears brimming, and trying not to look at what Shelby was doing, said, “Shelby, <em> please </em>don’t flirt with me right now. On top of everything I really don’t need a masochism kink…” her nerves and the alcohol making her stutter.  </p><p> </p><p>Blushing, Shelby laughed relieved to hear Toni crack a joke. Behind them, tending to the fire, Fatin laughed amused, “Classic.”</p><p> </p><p>Sitting down at Toni’s feet, Fatin cringed looking at the meaty flaps of skin Shelby was neatly suturing together. “Hey!” Fatin said, drawing Toni’s attention away, “Tell me how you score goals when you play basketball. You’re like a guard right, so you like shoot free-pointers?” she asked purposefully butchering her language. </p><p> </p><p>Toni sighed, rolling her eyes, and answered despite herself, “It’s not a ‘goal’ and I’m a <em> point </em> guard which means I run an offense and I sink <em> threes </em>not ‘frees’, there is nothing free about it.” Laughing above her Martha said, “‘Sink’ might be an exaggeration.” </p><p> </p><p>Snapping her head toward Martha, Toni opened her mouth to defend herself but only a pained hiss escaped her as Shelby tightened off the final stitch. Clipping the end of the synthetic thread with scissors she said, “There, all done.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni looked at her, still gruesome, but repaired arm in disbelief as Shelby carefully wiped away the layer of dried blood. Fatin clapped her hand on Toni’s shin, “I know what a three-pointer is casanova… But hey, thanks for mansplaining basketball to me,” she said pushing up from the bench. </p><p> </p><p>Toni blushed deep red, with her mouth hanging open, realizing she’d been distracted like a child getting their flu shot. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby snickered and Toni sent her a scornful glare that screamed <em> traitor </em>, causing her to duck her head guiltily. Retrieving the vodka again, Shelby doused the wound in case any dirt or bacteria entered while she mended it. Toni hissed and recoiled, not as bad as when she was sober. </p><p> </p><p>Helping Toni prop up, Martha said, “I'm going to get you some water. You good?” Reclining against the uneven back of the makeshift bench Toni nodded, “Yeah, thanks, Marty.” Before leaving Martha placed a kiss to the top of Toni’s head “Pay attention next time idiot, I can’t handle this kind of consistent stress.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby stood up and tucking a leg underneath her sat close beside Toni. </p><p> </p><p>Propping Toni’s elbow out against her thigh she applied a topical antibiotic and tightly wrapped the stitched wound with gauze. Toni watched her work, relaxing to the slow motion of her hands. </p><p> </p><p>Finishing securing the bandage, Shelby lifted Toni’s arm and kissed just above the injury, letting her lips linger briefly. </p><p> </p><p>The sun was dipping below the horizon at their backs and the warm glow of sunset illuminated everything. The only other person around was Fatin, who was busy pulling twigs and dried plant fibers from the tree line behind the hut for tinder. </p><p> </p><p>Sitting up, Shelby met Toni’s warm gaze. Forgetting her injury, Toni tried to lift her arm, wincing in pain as her stitches objected to the motion. Directing Toni’s arm to her side, laughing Shelby said, “Woah, that’s got to heal for a while still.” Toni laughed and sighed in defeat, “Would you please kiss me?” she asked, looking at Shelby adoringly. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby smiled, finding Toni’s request like an escaped thought, and happily leaned into her side with one hand protecting her arm and the other under her jaw. She kissed Toni slowly, tasting the burn of alcohol on her lips and Toni kissed her back happily. They pushed and pulled between each other unintentionally escalating the kiss, both of them craving each other’s touch. </p><p> </p><p>With quickened breaths, they both reluctantly separated, and with their noses gingerly bumping together Toni said, “Thank you.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby dropped their head dejectedly, breathing out a broken breath. Toni watched her with a furrowed brow, and using her good arm she cupped her cheek tenderly, “Shelby, would you look at me.” Forcing her shoulders back Shelby lifted her head and met Toni’s eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby’s eyes were wet and a lone tear escaped over her cheek. Toni tilted her head and let out a breath with her entire body deflating. Brushing away a tear with her thumb she suffered at the sight, “What’s wrong?” </p><p> </p><p>Her lips quaking, Shelby took in a strangled breath and speaking through the lump in her throat said, “I thought-” she shook her head reluctant to remember what she thought seeing everyone circled around Toni, slumped over like after the mussels when she refused to take the only halophen. </p><p> </p><p>“I need to know that you won’t compromise your safety. I- I can’t handle think-” Toni cut her off “Shelb, what are you talking about?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby paused to search Toni’s eyes, remembering the way they’d emptied before. </p><p> </p><p>“You said that you don’t matter, that you don’t have people you matter to.” Sliding her hand up, Shelby cupped Toni’s cheek trying to convey the gravity of her words, shaking Toni lightly, “Toni, you matter to me. You <em> fucking </em> matter to me.” Toni froze, her eyes wide, pupils dilated, and lips parted. </p><p> </p><p>Slowly processing what Shelby was saying to her, Toni bit her lip and fighting tears ran her eyes over her face. </p><p> </p><p>Lifting a hand Toni wiped beneath Shelby’s wet eyes with the tips of her fingers and releasing her lip with a broken breath let her own tears fall freely. Locking onto Shelby’s green eyes, Toni furrowed her brow seriously and, her voice watery and plagued with emotional interference, said “I'm sorry, but I'm not going anywhere.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby dropped their foreheads together tilting her lips towards Toni’s instinctively. They breathed, chests heaving, with their lips hovering close, neither of them able to close the space but desperately wanting to. Their lips ghosted together as they filled their lungs simultaneously. Struggling to find her breath, Shelby unsuccessfully chased Toni’s lips.</p><p> </p><p>Her chest moving asynchronously erratic, Toni clumsily found Shelby’s shaking lips with her own. She kissed Shelby messily, their tears mingling against their faces. </p><p> </p><p>Breaking the first tenuous connection, Shelby adjusted the angle tilting her nose to the right of Toni’s and, leaning forward into her, caressed Toni’s chapped lips softly beneath her own. With her good arm around Shelby’s waist, Toni pulled her closer. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby kissed her like she might disappear at any moment and Toni kissed her back to prove she wouldn’t. </p><p> </p><p>Finding their breaths, they sat with their foreheads together, Shelby practically on top of Toni as she softly traced the angles of Toni’s face with her fingers. Lifting her chin, Toni lovingly kissed Shebly’s forehead just below her hairline, making her hum in appreciation. </p><p> </p><p>Dropping their armfuls of wood, Leah asked Fatin, not looking toward Toni and Shelby, trying to give them at least that courtesy, “Is it totally meaningless to say get a room on a deserted island?” She squatted down rearranging Fatin’s sad attempt at a lean-to. </p><p> </p><p>Above her Fatin sighed dramatically, “I don’t know, but I’m horny and barely making it <em> without </em>constant reminders of all the action I'm missing out on,” she said watching Toni unapologetically, unlike Leah. </p><p> </p><p>Leah watched Fatin out of the corner of her eye. Squatting down beside her, Fatin let their knees innocently bump together as she exhaustively split more branches. </p><p> </p><p>Sighing as their moment of privacy ended, Shelby relaxed against the bench back, protectively pulling Toni into her side. She was not a fan of what Fatin’s word implied or the way she looked at Toni. </p><p> </p><p>Toni looked deceptively fragile tucked into Shelby’s side, “You literally just found out about us, give it a fucking day,” Toni said, the vinegar of her words dampened by Shelby’s presence.  </p><p> </p><p>Leah and Fatin raised their eyebrows teasingly and laughed together at Toni’s stillborn attempt at hostility. </p><p> </p><p>Rachel and Nora returned looking unexpectedly copacetic, even happy. They both laughed like kids with their arms slung around each other as they walked. Dot followed them dragging some of the building materials Toni had collected before being death dropped by a tree. </p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, Dot...” Toni said apologetically. Dot nodded, “Don’t think about it, just rest up, we’ll need you when we start building.” </p><p> </p><p>Undoing the tie-off at the trunk of the large tree that Fatin’s suitcase was hanging from, Dot lowered down the luggage and grimmly looked over their food reserves, a few handfuls of nuts and some smoked goat that looked too leathery to eat. “So Martha and Leah brought back two rabbits from the traps, but other than that it’s slim pickings.” </p><p> </p><p>Remembering why her arms were sore, Shelby sat up, Toni giving her space to do so. “Actually, Nora and I filled her shirt full of quinoa, it's just outside of camp,” she said pointing behind her. “Wait to bury the lead guys…” Dot said casting them a look of disbelief. Popping up, Rachel and Dot dashed off to retrieve the prized grain. </p><p> </p><p>Sinking back into Shelby’s side Toni said, “Oh my godd, I can’t believe we're going to eat something other than meat and berries.” Shelby slung her arm back around her shoulders, smiling at her reaction.</p><p> </p><p>Returning with the canteens they’d irresponsibly left on the beach, behind Toni, Martha stepped out of Dot and Rachel’s way as they sped off, “Whoah, what’s the rush?” she asked. </p><p> </p><p>“Marty!” Toni yelled, “Shelby and Nora found quinoa.” Martha handed one of the canteens to Toni, scoffing, “No way? That’s amazing! I never want to eat meat again...” </p><p> </p><p>Toni quickly drank from the canteen and handed it to Shelby. </p><p> </p><p>Dot and Rachel aggressively dropped Nora’s knotted shirt, a few bundles of dried grain spilling over. </p><p> </p><p>Smiling elatedly, Rachel looked to Nora who was sitting on one of the benches, nervously watching her reaction. Pointing at her and then slowly bringing her hands together, Rachel made a W with her thumbs and index fingers, trying to repress her evident pride, Nora smiled successfully. Rachel stepped behind her and supportively rubbed her shoulders like they were in the corner of a boxing ring, “My sister..” </p><p> </p><p>Nora had always been in Rachel’s corner, now that she was finally understanding that Nora hoped she wouldn’t forget…</p><p> </p><p>Skeptically raising her eyebrows, Toni asked, “And we’re sure that’s not an absurd amount of weed?” Shelby scoffed beside her laughing, “That’s exactly what I said.” They smiled like fools between themselves, laughing and agreeing on the physical similarities. </p><p> </p><p>Marty watched them fondly, delighted to see her best friend happy in this unexpected way. Catching Martha’s gaze, Toni tamed her laughter and Martha smiled sarcastically at her, causing her to duck her head bashfully. </p><p> </p><p>Unaware of their silent conversation, Shelby chose that moment to pull Toni closer to her, lovingly wrapping her hand around her hip. Knowing Marty was watching them but unable to help herself, Toni melted into Shelby as she nuzzled her nose into her hair. </p><p> </p><p>“Guys, good job. These are some serious calories. Was there any more?” Dot asked, looking between Nora and Shelby. “Yeah there is a lot,” Shelby started, “But, we don’t know that it would last that long…” looking at Nora. </p><p> </p><p>Nora pensively arranged herself, “It would maybe last us two months. Unless-” Shaking her head Dot asked, “Unless what?” Looking back at Rachel from the corner of her eye, Nora said “Unless we plant a crop.” </p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” Dot said, deflating along with everyone else. Finding food had started to feel like a game as they got better at it, something they could do in the meantime… </p><p> </p><p>“Well that’s what we do then,” Rachel said from behind Nora. Everyone snapped their head around to look at her. “Always play the long game,” she said smiling reassuringly for Nora. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay then,” Shelby said, running her fingers through her hair, “I guess we're farmers now too.” </p><p> </p><p>Musing to herself Nora spoke, “We’re faced with a long-debated query, were people happier as hunter-gatherers or following the cultivation of wheat. If you ask me, the process produces attritional rewards that never equate to the degree of labor req-” </p><p> </p><p>Stalling her projected cognition, Leah said, “That’s a great thought experiment and all Nora but we’re kind of facing starvation every week and as successful as Shelby’s traps have been, we’ve got a lot of mouths to feed.” </p><p> </p><p>“Right…” Nora said schooling her features. Rachel sympathetically patted her on the back. </p><p> </p><p>Inspecting the unprocessed grain Dot asked, “Do we actually know how to cook this?” </p><p> </p><p>Nora bent down beside her, “We should be able to just scrape most of the seeds off but because it is an ideal food source for birds there is most likely a saponin coating,” she said inspecting the dry seeds.  </p><p> </p><p>“Like I'm not a botanist please?” Dot said. Nora nodded, “We need to tumble wash the seeds before cooking them to remove the inedible shells.” </p><p>
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</p><p>In the receding light, they set up stations to quickly process the grain. Fatin and Leah removed the dry seeds from the stems holding them together. Rachel and Martha shook the destemmed seeds in canteens with water and a couple of smooth stones to husk the shells. Shelby and Dot boiled the prepared quinoa in individual La Croix cans, making everyone a generous serving. </p><p> </p><p>As Dot and Shelby finished cooking, the others wrapped the processed quinoa up in an unused tshirt and packed it into Fatin’s suitcase before tying it off from the high tree branch that was its home. </p><p> </p><p>Dot and Shelby passed out the La Croix cans full of fluffy red quinoa. Before Shelby could sit down with her own quinoa cup full, standing from her own seat around the fire Martha asked, “Shelby, would you mind helping me grab more wood quickly?” She said it like a question, and sweet enough for appearances, but for some reason, Shelby knew there was only one correct answer. </p><p> </p><p>Toni threw Martha a confused look bringing her eyebrows uncomfortably close together on her forehead. Silently panicking, she watched Shelby set down her cup of quinoa beside her. Shaking her head subtly, Shelby shrugged and stepped away. As Marty and Shelby disappeared out of earshot Toni extended her neck to watch them go, mouth ajar and eyes wide. </p><p> </p><p>The group slowly broke out in laughter. Toni threw them all a warning glare, huffing in frustration. </p><p> </p><p>Scarfing down some quinoa Dot said, “Ohohho, Shelby is in for it…” Laughing loudly, Fatin shook her head, holding a finger up toward Dot, “No way, the only thing Shelby is in for is the ‘Toni may seem tough but is soft and needs protected’ speech” she said presenting soft puppy dog eyes meant to represent Toni’s true form. </p><p> </p><p>Toni swiftly kicked the high-rise sneaker off her left foot and chucked it in Fatin’s direction. With a small screech, Fatin ducked under its trajectory. Leah laughed beside them at their look of offense, “Kind of deserved that one.” </p><p> </p><p>From beside Dot, Rachel laughed heartily, “At the risk of shoe… When you said Shelby was <em> ‘doing </em> her best’...” Dot leaned back falling over the log she was sitting on as she laughed hysterically. </p><p> </p><p>Toni turned bright red, half in embarrassment, half in anger. “God! You are all juvenile!” She slumped back into her seat trying to roll her eyes out of her head as they all carried on. </p><p> </p><p>The simple reduction of what she and Shelby had was embarrassing but more than that it was inaccurate (Toni thought). </p><p> </p><p>Leaning up on her elbows from the ground, Dot asked, “Hey should I be giving you a patriarchal ‘don’t hurt her talk’ too?” Toni looked up from where her face was buried in her knees, “Not necessary…” </p><p> </p><p>Sitting up quickly Dot pointed her finger at Toni warningly, “Don’t fucking hurt her!” </p><p> </p><p>Toni sat more upright, her eyes wide, everyone else watching Dot with a similar expression. Dropping her shoulders slightly she asked, “Was that intimidating enough?” Everyone nodded in consensus, Fatin said, “I’d say so, Dorothy.” </p><p> </p><p>Realizing Dot was waiting for her to respond, Toni urgently nodded. “Cool,” Dot said, “I may not play sports or whatever but I’m pretty sure I’d win in a fight.”</p><p> </p><p>Everyone raised their eyebrows in amusement, Toni in shock. “My money is on Dot,” Leah said, making Fatin laugh. Fatin looked over Toni in a way that made her squirm uncomfortably, “Nah, I’m betting on Toni.” </p><p> </p><p>Casting a betrayed look toward her Dot said, “Love you too fuck face.” Fatin lifted her hands apologetically, “Sorry babe, I love a good underdog arc.” </p><p> </p><p>From her spot next to Rachel, Nora said “Honestly it took longer than I’d expected for us to resort to gladiator games for entertainment.” Everyone cracked up, including Toni. </p><p>
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</p><p>Shelby watched Martha as she silently filled her arms with wood, the silence was driving her mad and she couldn’t tell if it was a tactic. Stopping in her tracks Shelby asked, “Martha was there maybe something you wanted to say to me?”</p><p> </p><p>Marty turned around and lifted a large branch dropping it into Shelby’s arms, making her adjust under the weight. “I don’t know Shelby, is there something you <em> think </em> I should say to you?” </p><p> </p><p>How the fuck do you respond to that? </p><p> </p><p>Shelby just stared unsure, “Uhhh..”</p><p> </p><p>“Look Shelby,” Martha started squaring her shoulders, “I like you, we’re friends and I’m a nice person. However, I’m not nice to people who hurt my best friend…” </p><p> </p><p>Guilty, Shelby quickly nodded and tried to open her mouth to speak, but Martha continued before she could. “Toni has been through a lot, more than anyone her age should, and amazingly she is still an extremely forgiving, gentle person.” Shelby listened intently, not trying to interrupt. </p><p> </p><p>“Her forgiveness deserves to be justified. I’m happy for you both, but just because you like Toni doesn’t mean you can’t be homophobic, and she doesn’t deserve that.”</p><p> </p><p>Shelby understood Martha, she had had this conversation with herself a dozen times already, wondering if she was prepared to be good for Toni. “I know..” she said, dropping her head. </p><p> </p><p>Martha watched Shelby sympathetically, “Toni’s life is her own, I can’t tell her how to live it and I won’t interfere with her business, but I also won’t let her be hurt if it can be helped.” Shelby raised her eyes to Martha’s nodding in understanding. </p><p> </p><p>The silence was Shelby’s direction to speak, “Martha, I promise… I have <em> no </em>intention of hurting Toni. She is the most special, wonderful person I’ve ever met and I don’t ever want to give her a reason to regret being with me.” </p><p> </p><p>After a moment of uncomfortable silence and Shelby burning under Martha’s gaze, Martha threw her arms around her, dropping the wood from her arms and sighing in relief. Shelby was startled and then tentatively wrapped her arms around Martha. </p><p> </p><p>“Thank god,” Martha breathed out, “Toni is way better at the bad cop thing…” Shelby laughed relieved, “I don’t know… You really had me going.” </p><p> </p><p>Pulling away Martha paused with her hands on either of Shelby’s arms, “I meant every word,” she said, her intimidating tone immediately back in place. Shelby nervously nodded. </p><p> </p><p>Martha dropped her hands smiling again and picking up the firewood, “It’s so perfect, my two best friends, literally the best people I know…” she said, musing to herself. </p><p> </p><p>Looking over her shoulder at Shelby who was picking up the wood they had also dropped Martha said, “Hey, I know you probably have been going through a lot on your own, if you ever want to talk, you know that I’m here?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby smiled, she stopped being alone the moment she stopped buying into the idea that she had to be, and Toni was there, waiting. Martha’s support warmed her chest, it was so different from what she had been taught to expect, “Thank you.” </p><p> </p><p>“Sure, just, Toni is like my sister, so maybe no details…” At that Shelby turned bright red, “Yep, yeah, no. Loud and clear,” she said stiff as a board, waving her hands awkwardly. </p><p> </p><p>Martha laughed at her, “Relax, I’m only teasing.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby let out a relieved breath, <em> these sisters </em>she thought. </p><p> </p><p>They walked back toward the fire, stomachs rumbling. </p><p> </p><p>As Shelby and Martha came back into sight the group politely curtailed a few good-spirited laughs. Shelby and Martha were still laughing between themselves so they didn’t notice the less than innocent mood. </p><p> </p><p>Seeing Shelby and Martha, Toni subconsciously straightened out of their slumped position and watched them intently as they moved to take their seats around the fire. She stared at Martha with an obvious question but Martha only smiled and patted the top of her head as she passed. Annoyed Toni ducked under her hand. </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s expression softened as Shelby lowered down taking her spot next to her. Shelby met her gaze sweetly, looking down between them at Toni’s sock-clad foot she asked, “What happened to your shoe?” On cue, Fatin chucked Toni’s shoe across the fire into her lap, the impact forcing a short breath out of her. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby looked at Toni with her eyebrows arched teasingly. Bright red, Toni lifted the shoe and, annoyed, said, “Thank you Fatin!” </p><p> </p><p>Fatin sarcastically waved her hand in front of her and dramatically bowed, making Toni roll her eyes as she shoved her shoe back on. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby giggled beside her, “Glad I wasn’t the only one receiving the third degree…”  Toni shot her gaze around to Marty and then back to Shelby, “Marty didn’t say anything inappropriate die she? Because I’l--” </p><p> </p><p>Interrupting Toni’s empty threat, Shelby leaned and kissed her on the cheek. </p><p> </p><p>Toni just watched, searching her eyes curiously. Smiling, apparently unaffected, Shelby tapped her full can of quinoa with her nail, “Not hungry?” </p><p> </p><p>Furrowing her brow Toni looked down at her dinner, “Oh, uhhh…” Forgetting any response she looked toward Martha and then back to Shelby, “So are we okay?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby sweetly brushed her hand over Toni’s cheek, “We were just agreeing that you’re precious cargo, that’s all.” Toni scoffed smiling bashfully, “What does that even mean?” Shelby just pushed her food toward her, “It means you need to eat if you’re going to heal.”</p><p>
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</p><p>After dinner, they all hung around the fire, too much adrenaline from the day keeping them up. When Toni yawned comically loud, Shelby had patted her thighs offering herself as a pillow and now Toni was fast asleep with her head in Shelby’s lap. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby lazily ran her fingers through Toni’s hair and watched the flames flicker as her own exhaustion crept up. </p><p> </p><p>Dot and Martha sat next to each other in a comfortable silence as the fire crackled, “They seem good for each other,” Dot said. Martha hummed in agreement looking at them, Shelby’s neck uncomfortably extended to meet the bench and Toni in an easy slumber, “Yeah.” </p><p> </p><p>“It’s kind of just nice to see at least some of us find normality. Even if it took all of this, they found each other and that’s kind of cool.” Martha hadn’t taken Dot for a romantic but the experience she seemed to be speaking from said otherwise. </p><p> </p><p>Dot’s words made Martha think that if there was at least that silver lining for the person she loved, then maybe things weren’t so bad. She stood walking behind the bench across the fire,</p><p>and carefully tucked her sweatshirt behind Shelby’s head. </p><p>
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</p><p>In the early, early morning, Toni was awoken by a loud sound. She shot up out of Shelby’s lap, waking her up along with her. She accidentally supported herself with her injured arm, hissing in pain as her stitches rudely greeted her good morning. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby shot her eyes around frantically, the fog of sleep still thick, and reached out to help Toni off of her side. “What was that?” she asked looking around the campsite. Everyone else was still soundly asleep in the hut or was someone missing.  </p><p> </p><p>Sitting up, Toni said, “I don’t know. I’m gonna check it out, be right back.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s words breaking through her exhaustion, Shelby stammered, “What? Toni…” she chased after her, “Would you just wait a second.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni pushed into the treeline adjacent to their camp, where she thought the sound originated from. She twisted around in a semi-circle surveying the area but there was nothing to see and nothing to hear. </p><p> </p><p>Catching up Shelby looked around. Toni shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. Dropping her arms to her sides Toni defeatedly glanced around them once more, “I guess it was nothing.” </p><p> </p><p>They turned back toward camp. Realizing it was literally still dark, Toni, exhausted, shuffled her feet, barely managing to keep her eyes open. </p><p> </p><p>Passing a large tree facing their camp, Toni lifted her foot to step over a large root but miscalculated its height and fell forward to the ground, “Shit!” </p><p> </p><p>She fell awkwardly into her chest and face, using her good arm to protect the other. There would be no stitches torn that day. </p><p>Shelby rushed to her side helping her roll off of her front, “Are you okay?” Toni groaned rolling onto her back with her eyes closed, she could feel bruises forming already, “This is why I don’t do mornings.” </p><p> </p><p>Arching away from the ground, Toni said “Ow, ow, there’s something in my back.” With her arms around Toni’s shoulders, Shelby helped her sit up. </p><p> </p><p>Leaning forward into Shelby, Toni softened, appreciating the warm embrace in the early morning air. </p><p> </p><p>Looking around Toni’s shoulder, Shelby scrunched her brow curiously. She looked at the foreign objects in the dirt. </p><p> </p><p>Toni followed her gaze “The hell is that?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby shrugged and reached around Toni to pick up the dirt coated jagged shard that had been cutting into Toni’s back.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby brushed the dirt from the thin green shard. “I think that's a PCB,” Toni said, taking the electronic board from Shelby’s hand.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby looked at her blank, nothing being elucidated by the explanation. </p><p> </p><p>“A circuit board. I went to comp sci camp,” Toni answered her question, shrugging. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby nodded, “From what though?” </p><p> </p><p>Toni looked back to the electronic remanents and the smashed shards of plastic surrounding the base of the tree, “I don’t know.” </p><p> </p><p>“Maybe someone forgot a dead phone out here?” Shelby offered. </p><p> </p><p>Toni nodded but neither of them really believed that. Why would someone not keep the phone as a potential resource? </p><p> </p><p>They decided not to tell anyone else without a conclusive idea of what they had found and Shelby helped Toni up. They headed back to the camp, both of their minds still on the curious discovery.  </p><p> </p><p>When they got back to camp Nora was settling onto a bench around the fire. <br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/><br/></p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. That's Going to Scar</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Again, thank you for your comments! I promise I am going to get back to the group's shifting dynamics and everything else in the next chapter but for now... squint for plot.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p> </p><p>Three days passed. Toni’s arm was looking better, the camp was looking better, things were looking better. </p><p> </p><p>Dot, Fatin, and Leah worked to finish building the platform inside the hut by splitting notches in logs and vertically digging them into the ground inside the hut’s perimeter with longer bamboo shoots stretching between the posts. They made the platform in a geometric U shape so you could still walk inside. </p><p> </p><p>Fatin hung a long bamboo shoot high between the two sides of the hut to get all of their miscellaneous clothes and tools off of the ground. For all of their complaining, they were actually very helpful. </p><p> </p><p>The last few days, Rachel and Nora unsuccessfully surveyed around the island for an open plot with nutrient-rich soil to plant the quinoa seeds they’d reserved. Nora had seemed all too eager to leave camp each morning. </p><p> </p><p>Nora had been acting odd around Toni and Shelby ever since the other morning when they’d found her waking up? Or returning to camp? They couldn’t have been sure. </p><p> </p><p>Nora had said she woke up to the noise just like them. Shelby couldn’t see any obvious reason not to believe them, but Nora had somehow reminded her then of Andrew when he would lie about having practice to hook up with some girl gracious enough to relieve Shelby of his presence. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby had shared her concern with Toni late at night rebandaging her arm. To Shelby’s surprise, Toni barely reacted, just nodded thoughtfully. Toni told Shelby she had a similar feeling, her mom and a long list of social workers had lied to her far too often for her bullshit meter to not be swinging. However, like Shelby, Toni didn’t have a clue why or what Nora was lying about, so they left it at that. </p><p> </p><p>Over the last three days, between Martha, Shelby, and Rachel, who was feeling quite guilty, Toni was hardly allowed to chew her own food and had spent the last three days either on her back or doing Fatin’s favorite chores. </p><p> </p><p>Toni was antsy for literally anything to do. So when Shelby announced she was going to do laundry and check the traps they’d reset, Toni practically broke the bench beneath her standing up. For all Toni cared they could burn that goddamn bench, she never wanted to sit on it again. “I’m coming with!” </p><p> </p><p>Martha paused in the middle of a drink of tea, “Toni... I don’t think that’s a good idea, you should really be resting.” </p><p> </p><p>Mindlessly collecting some of the clothes the group shared communally now, Shelby perked up but tried to sound laid back, “It’s alright Martha, everything is healing well and I won’t let her do anything strenuous.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni could just kiss Shelby for that. Toni would kiss Shelby for that. </p><p>
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</p><p>In the shallow water around the bend of the beach, Shelby and Toni waded waist-deep in the water. Having cleaned and hung the clothes to dry, they were now taking what Shelby enjoyed referring to as a ‘whore bath’ in her head. </p><p> </p><p>Toni breathed deeply, revitalized by the change of scenery and the chance to finally bathe. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby combed her hands through her hair, catching on a few small knots. </p><p> </p><p>Two days previous, Shelby had gone to Fatin with her head hung low and bashfully asked for help with her hair. Smiling brightly, Fatin had dashed for their hairbrush. Shelby spent the next two hours between Fatin’s legs as she rubbed aloe vera into Shelby’s matted hair and meticulously brushed through each knot, careful not to let the brush snag. </p><p> </p><p>Watching Shelby struggle with a few small knots toward the back of her head, the length a problem of its own, Toni finished rinsing the soap from her hair and stepped toward her. She gently removed Shelby’s hands from her hair, “Here, let me, Brittney.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby laughed sweetly and let Toni take over the task, “Honestly I kind of just want it all off sometimes... Can be a real hassle.” </p><p> </p><p>Pausing her efforts, Toni pressed a kiss to Shelby’s bare shoulder, “I could help with that. I used to cut my foster brother’s hair.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby looked back over her shoulder to meet Toni’s eyes, how easily they got on board made Shelby’s chest swell with warmth, “Thanks, but I think Fatin would dig me a <em> shallow </em> grave if I let anyone else.”</p><p> </p><p>Toni smiled back at her and continued untangling her hair, “Probably for the best, he always left with a bowl cut…” she said, laughing at herself. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby laughed along, “Well I’ll come to you when that’s what I want.” </p><p> </p><p>Pulling the shampoo/conditioner from the waistband of her leggings, Toni squeezed a small amount of soap into her hands and massaged it into Shelby’s hair with more care than she ever had her own. If Shelby’s hair was a hassle Toni would try to make it less of one. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby sighed at the feeling of Toni’s fingers in her hair.</p><p> </p><p>“Kneel down please?” Toni said and Shelby lowered to her knees in front of them, the water reaching her collar bones. </p><p> </p><p>With her hands on either side of Shelby’s face, Toni gently tipped her head back into the water and cleaned out the pear-scented suds. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby watched Toni’s face hovering above her own, admiring the concentrated curl of her lips. </p><p> </p><p>When Toni was done, she ran her hands through Shelby’s hair in the water one final time checking for knots and met Shelby's eyes. She smiled at Shelby’s relaxed expression looking up at her, “What?” </p><p> </p><p>“You’re just really pretty,” Shelby answered. </p><p> </p><p>Toni smiled with her entire face and traced her hands down Shelby’s jawline and, with a hand underneath her chin, tilted Shelby’s head back, leaning over her to connect their lips. </p><p> </p><p>Since their very first kiss, Shelby was overwhelmed with a need to feel Toni’s lips and, counter to what she’d expected, every kiss they shared only served to deepen that need, each one feeling new, different. </p><p> </p><p>While Shelby’s head was still swimming from the reversed angle of the kiss, Toni quickly stood her up and twisting her around pulled her forward. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby’s lips fell apart to release a breath and Toni pressed their mouths back together, cutting off her short breath. </p><p> </p><p>Toni kissed her passionately, with one arm wrapped around her waist and her other hand behind her neck. Belatedly, Shelby connected her arms together at the small of Toni’s back.</p><p> </p><p>Toni dragged her hand away from Shelby’s neck and down her body stopping at her waist above the hem of her shorts. Lacing her fingers in the belt loops at either side of her shorts, Toni pulled her hips forward. </p><p> </p><p>The action unintentionally, and even then only slightly, lifted the material of Shelby’s shorts closer against her, making her very suddenly aware of just how turned on she was. Doing her best to keep that information to herself, Shelby stifled a moan, killing it before it could escape into the air between them.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby broke the kiss suddenly leaning away from Toni, “Hey, hey now. That is definitely not allowed while in recovery-” </p><p> </p><p>Ignoring Shelby’s protest, Toni pulled her back and trailed her lips over her jaw to her neck, kissing and suckling where she knew Shelby liked. Meanwhile, her hands found Shelby’s hips again and she intentionally slid her fingertips under the hem of her shorts. </p><p> </p><p>“Toni,” Shelby warned, “I made a promise, no strenuous...” It almost physically hurt to say anything other than yes, but she was at least going to try. </p><p> </p><p>Pulling Shelby’s hips against her again, Toni spoke between pressing her lips to wet skin, “I didn’t.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni left a hot trail of kisses back up to Shelby’s face and raked her teeth over Shelby’s jaw below her ear and then placed a wet kiss to her ear, “Are you sure?” she asked, squeezing Shelby’s hips gently. </p><p> </p><p>Just like that, Shelby’s well-practiced and painfully taught capacity for repression shattered, the way it only did around Toni and she subconsciously lurched forward. How far they had come, she thought absently, that now Toni was asking her this simple thing with confidence and a very different meaning. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby’s own hands drifted toward Toni again with a mind of their own, wanting to put them everywhere. </p><p> </p><p>Struggling to be decisive, Shelby sighed, <em> No </em>… (She thought) </p><p> </p><p>Toni slowly brought her lips back to Shelby’s but kissed her only briefly, to Shelby’s disappointment. Extricating her hands from Shelby’s sides, Toni pulled away, eyes dark but a breezy smile across her face, “Okay.” </p><p> </p><p>Her breath a little uneven, Shelby scrunched her brow, “...Okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Reaching out, Toni slid her hands down Shelby’s forearms to her hands, “I’ve really appreciated you taking care of me,” she paused, “You made me feel safe...” she admitted, dropping her gaze between them to their interlaced fingers. </p><p> </p><p>Looking back up, Toni brushed a wet lock of hair away from Shelby’s face and left her thumb to brush back and forth “So I’m not going to be difficult.” She leaned in and placed a chaste kiss at the corner of Shelby’s mouth. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby didn’t know why that is what did it but now she was done waiting, done trying to be responsible. </p><p> </p><p>Without a word, Shelby took Toni by the hand and dragged her out of the water at a whiplash-inducing speed.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby ignored the silent question on Toni’s face as she sat her down on the rock shelf outside of the sea cave Martha had washed up under. With extreme focus, Shelby collected items from the emergency bag she’d insisted on bringing. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby lifted the edge of the bandage at the corner of Toni’s forehead to peek at the pink healing flesh before replacing it. Gently twisting Toni’s arm, Shelby inspected her bicep with her brows tightly knit like she was trying to decide something. </p><p> </p><p>Toni just watched her slightly concerned by how quiet she’d gone. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby reapplied the antibiotic ointment and a fresh wrap to her arm. </p><p> </p><p>Toni looked down at her arm and then up, hoping to finally make Shelby’s attention but then Shelby was kissing her and she had to brace her hands behind her to not fall. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby smoothly climbed into Toni’s lap and nipped at her lips, not waiting for her to catch up with her movements. </p><p> </p><p>Her head rushing to process everything, Toni fumbled her hands to find Shelby’s waist. </p><p> </p><p>Not missing a beat, Shelby removed Toni’s left hand from her body, replacing it at her side. </p><p> </p><p>Toni understood it as an issue of decommissioning and instead slid her right arm around to encompass Shelby’s waist. She pulled Shelby closer, forcing her to sit up more and Toni had to lean up to maintain the kiss. </p><p> </p><p>Enjoying the new angle, Shelby kissed her even deeper, causing Toni’s breath to irregulate. </p><p> </p><p>Toni tried to talk as Shelby continued to try to taste her mouth, “I thought-” </p><p> </p><p>Whatever the end of that sentence was, Shelby wasn’t interested. Stepping out of Toni’s lap, they pulled Toni up with them by the neck, lips not moving from Toni’s. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby walked Toni backward around the shelf and, reaching an arm out over their shoulder to gauge the distance, stepped Toni against the cracking rock wall. </p><p> </p><p>The cave wall towered a good fifteen feet over them, bridging the sky and sea. In the background, the echo of the low tide hitting the mouth of the cave opposite them could distantly be heard. It was all <em> very </em> Nicolas Sparks. </p><p> </p><p>With her hands against the rock wall on either side of Toni’s head, Shelby pulled away, but only enough to watch water drip down her hair and over her body, chest heaving and knees soft. Shelby licked her lips, “I know you’ve been healing but… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s right hand gripped firmly at Shelby’s side as she desperately sought out her lips. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby kissed her back like she was good and deserved that much, but had more to say. </p><p> </p><p>With her mouth, Shelby pushed Toni’s head back against the rock wall and pulled her lips out of reach, keeping her forehead against Toni’s. </p><p> </p><p>Dropping her eyes down to Toni’s shaking lips and shifting jaw, Shelby continued, “I think about you when I wake up,” she slipped her fingers under the straps of Toni’s sports bra, pushing the left strap over her shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>“I think about you when I eat,” she helped Toni slide her injured arm under the elastic band and slowly slid the bra up her body.</p><p> </p><p>Toni breathed shallowly and tried to chase Shelby’s lips, but Shelby pressed her head back against the rock with her forehead. </p><p> </p><p>“I think about you when I dream,” she trailed her hands down Toni’s sides, clumsily pushing her high-rise leggings down to her hips. </p><p> </p><p>Toni shuddered under her touch, each word shooting through her like lightning. “Shelby-” she panted against her lips, but Shelby continued. </p><p> </p><p>“I think about you when I’m with you,” she dragged her hands up Toni’s midriff and over her abs. </p><p> </p><p>Toni sighed breathily, feeling very much at the mercy of Shelby’s touch.</p><p> </p><p>“I think about you when I’m alone…” she said, letting the word ring and leaning her weight into Toni as she dragged her hands up to her chest to feel her and ghost her thumbs over stiff nipples, causing Toni’s breath to hitch roughly. </p><p> </p><p>Toni arched forward into Shelby’s hands, “Tell me…” she breathed. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby fleetingly remembered she might have once been embarrassed by something like this, but that didn’t feel applicable here with Toni now. </p><p> </p><p>A blush spread over Shelby’s cheeks but it did nothing to deter her, “I think about how you pressed me against the lychee tree,” she leaned in to speak against Toni’s ear, “How you sounded in my ear when I touched you…” </p><p> </p><p>Toni did her best not to whimper at Shelby’s words but subsequently forgot Shelby’s unspoken rule and with both hands clawed at the pink cropped tank top she wore.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby reluctantly pulled her hands away from Toni’s chest to remove Toni’s own disobedient ones. </p><p> </p><p>Toni let Shelby take her hands, but desperately said, “No...” and with just her right hand smoothly pushed the material up over Shelby’s ribs. “Please,” she begged, fingertips brushing over the soft skin below Shelby’s breast. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby moaned and fell further into Toni, barely supporting herself now. </p><p> </p><p>Seizing the opportunity, Toni kissed her, quickly sliding her tongue past Shebly’s parted lips. </p><p> </p><p>Toni turned her blunt nails into the skin over Shelby’s rib, making her break the kiss suddenly. </p><p> </p><p>In one motion Shelby pulled the top up and ducked her head out of it. </p><p> </p><p>Toni watched as the muscles under her abdomen shifted while she stretched out to remove the top, both of her hands subconsciously floating back toward Shelby’s body. </p><p> </p><p>With the top forgotten in the sand, Shelby instantly spied Toni’s left hand wandering in the space between them. Reaching out she lifted the hand to her lips and kissed her palm sweetly, “Behave... I don’t want to stop.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni flushed, overcome with guilt but the way Shelby said it, sweet, threatening, protective, and desperate all at the same time, sent a wave of heat straight through her. She nodded eagerly. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby placed Toni’s hand on a protruding edge just to her left, “Keep this here.” She was waiting for Toni to respond. Toni nodded her compliance again. </p><p> </p><p>“Good,” Shelby said and lowered down in front of Toni to push her leggings the rest of the way off, holding her gaze the whole time. </p><p> </p><p>Toni frantically stepped out of her leggings and watched Shelby hungrily, gripping the wall with her left hand to remember it needed to stay there. </p><p> </p><p>Slowly rising, she kissed the side of Toni’s hip briefly and then quickly took a nipple into her mouth sucking lightly and gently raking her teeth over the sensitive skin before letting go with a pop, standing the rest of the way up.</p><p> </p><p>Toni moaned loudly and wrapped the lone arm she was allowed around Shelby’s neck and pulled her into a searing kiss. </p><p> </p><p>When they broke apart, both of their eyes were dark and their breathing heavy.  </p><p> </p><p>Shelby was suddenly seized with nervousness, she took a deep breath and remembering who she was with, let the doubt pass through her as quickly as it had come. </p><p> </p><p>Sensing the change, Toni cupped Shelby’s cheek and brushed her thumb back and forth tenderly, “We can slow down?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby pressed a chaste kiss to Toni’s lips, “I’ve never done this before and I want you to feel good, so tell me if you need anything different.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s forehead wrinkled waiting for an explanation but then Shelby was dropping to her knees and her words surfaced in Toni’s memory, <em> Next time I want to taste you.  </em></p><p> </p><p>Toni swallowed thickly and with the realization of what was happening husked out, “<em> Oh </em>...” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby gave ample attention to Toni’s stomach, all of her shaky breaths and impatient fidgeting causing the muscles there to dance under her soft skin. </p><p> </p><p>All of the physical labor and the added calories from the quinoa had only served to further define Toni’s abs and it was not lost on Shelby. Licking and biting across her stomach, Shelby pulled at their hips.</p><p> </p><p>In the basement of her mind, the only part still working, Toni tried to remember that Shelby liked her abs. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby made quick work of Toni’s underwear and with her hand on Toni’s thigh, gently directed her legs apart. Shelby paused and, with her chin resting against the soft skin below Toni’s naval, looked up, biting her lip, “I’ve thought about this so many times…” she breathed, her breath tickling Toni’s stomach. </p><p> </p><p>Toni canted her hips hopelessly forward at Shelby’s words. Shelby hadn’t even touched her yet and she felt like she was going to explode. </p><p> </p><p>The evidence of Toni’s excitement caused Shelby’s mouth to drop open and without thinking, she leaned forward to lick experimentally. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby instantly moaned against her and pressed her face forward, causing Toni’s legs to shake slightly, as she breathed out a sharp moan. </p><p> </p><p>“Toni...” Shelby said, pulling away almost immediately. </p><p> </p><p>Toni was nowhere close to ready for dialogue but breathing ruggedly from the sudden contact and then almost immediate loss of contact, did her best, “Y- what is it?”</p><p> </p><p>“You- you taste <em>so</em> <em>good</em>,” Shelby said, slightly distraught, as if she was on some level devastated to have not known. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh my god..” Toni moaned, slapping her right hand painfully over her eyes, knees buckling slightly as she rolled her hips down. </p><p> </p><p>The way it turned Shelby on to make her wet and the way her accent would get thicker when she was really turned on were some of Toni’s favorite things on the long list of things that surprised her about Shelby. </p><p> </p><p>Forgetting herself, Shelby replaced her face between Toni’s legs and explored with her mouth, making Toni gasp above her when she unintentionally teased her entrance. </p><p> </p><p>Looking up, Shelby watched Toni grip the wall behind her with her left hand and dig the nails of her right hand into her own stomach. Her eyes fixated on the red crescent-shaped marks left from Toni’s grip. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby thought Toni looked beautiful like this and she wanted to kiss her but wasn’t ready to move from between her legs, so she kissed Toni there the way she wanted to her lips.</p><p> </p><p>Moaning loudly, Toni dropped slightly into Shelby who joined her hands with Toni’s on her stomach, holding her up.  </p><p> </p><p>“Open your mouth,” Shelby directed from her knees. Toni’s eyes shot open to look down at her, panting, she asked, “What?” </p><p> </p><p>Sliding her hands down over Toni’s thighs and squeezing lightly, Shelby repeated herself, “I said open your mouth.” She kissed the tender place between Toni’s hip and abdomen, “I want you to taste yourself.” </p><p> </p><p>Direction aside, Toni’s mouth fell open as she groaned, dropping her head back, a new wave of wetness pooling between her legs. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby ran her tongue through Toni, purposefully avoiding their clit, and concaving her tongue, collected Toni’s wetness. Above her, Toni moaned and gasped, her arousal reaching new levels.</p><p> </p><p>Standing, Shelby held Toni’s chin between her index and thumb to tilt her mouth further open. </p><p> </p><p>Before bringing their mouths together, Shelby paused to hold Toni’s dark gaze, her irises practically eclipsed by her pupils. Toni anticipatorily flicked her tongue over her bottom lip. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby pressed her mouth to Toni’s and transferred Toni’s wetness into her own mouth, pressing their tongues flat together. </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s hand shot to the back of Shelby’s neck pulling her closer. She stumbled the kiss, moaning loudly from tasting herself in Shelby’s mouth. </p><p> </p><p>As Toni’s lips fumbled, some of her wetness slipped past her lips, trailing over the corner of her mouth. Shelby quickly collected it with two fingers and looking at Toni said, “I can’t believe that <em> I </em> do this to you..” </p><p> </p><p>Every damn thing that came out of Shelby’s mouth was so fucking sexy but it was the new confidence that her words revealed making Toni’s lower belly churn with need. </p><p> </p><p>After the scare Toni gave Shelby the other day, Shelby really wasn’t interested in being left with regrets from having been too shy. She didn’t want to be afraid to love Toni the way she wanted to. </p><p> </p><p>Without thinking about it Shelby brought her fingers into her mouth and Toni watched her, her own mouth going bone dry at the sight. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby sucked on her own fingers like she distinctly enjoyed both the feeling of her fingers in her mouth and the feeling of her mouth around her fingers. </p><p> </p><p>Toni dropped her nose to rest against Shelby’s and shuddered, watching her tease herself with her fingers. Taking Shelby’s wrist in her hand, Toni pulled Shelby’s fingers out of her mouth and replaced them in her own sucking as Shelby had, their lips unceremoniously brushing together.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby dropped her hand to squeeze Toni’s hips and kissed her roughly. Toni rocked her hips forward into Shelby desperate for any pressure, “Shelby-” she moaned. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby was tempted to pick up where she’d left off but based on the way Toni was saying her name and the way she was rolling her hips, Shelby knew she needed her now. </p><p> </p><p>Reaching between them, Shelby ran her fingers through Toni and was delighted to find her dripping wet for her. Knowing Toni wouldn’t enjoy attention to her clit very much while so wet, Shelby pressed a single finger shallowly into her to gauge how ready she was. </p><p> </p><p>Toni tried to drop onto Shelby’s hand and, panting, pleaded, “Two-” Very ready, apparently...</p><p> </p><p>With two fingers Shelby teased Toni and then, with increasing pressure, began to curl her fingers. </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s hips followed the rhythm of Shelby’s hand and her walls shuddered around her fingers, not because she was going to come but because everything Shelby was doing was making her body reel. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby dropped back to her knees in front of Toni, lifting one of Toni’s thighs over her shoulder, and used her mouth to attend to her clit, sucking lightly and flicking her tongue like Toni had done to her before. </p><p> </p><p>“Fuck, Shelb-” Toni husked and tangled her right hand in Shelby's hair. It was extremely hot how Shelby had just taken over. Toni was prepared to be gentle and guiding but here Shelby was being anything but. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby pushed her tongue lower to where her fingers were working and just barely pushed in alongside her fingers. </p><p> </p><p>“Shit-” Toni hissed, gripping tighter at Shelby’s hair. Her left hand momentarily lifted from its perch but luckily she had the good sense to replace it, not that Shelby would have noticed given how into this she was, moaning maybe even more than Toni. “Do that ag-” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby was already on it pressing her tongue forward again and increasing the pressure of her fingers. </p><p> </p><p>Toni pressed her hips back against the wall, trying not to outright ride Shelby’s face her first time, and arched the rest of her body painfully forward as she came. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby stayed between her legs and helped her ride through her orgasm. </p><p> </p><p>When Shelby came up, Toni was still a mess, breathing ruggedly, barely managing to keep her eyes open, and shaking from the phantom of Shelby’s touch. </p><p> </p><p>It absolutely took Shelby’s breath away to see Toni like this. She tenderly kissed up Toni’s neck and slid her hands up and down her sides. Placing a kiss over Toni’s temple she breathed, “You’re so fucking breath-taking,” and Toni actually whimpered. </p><p> </p><p>It then occurred to Shelby that Toni might actually be able to go again, remembering her stamina from last time. </p><p> </p><p>The thought of getting to do that again flooded Shelby’s stomach with warmth and she began to try and subtly work Toni up again, placing kisses back down her neck this time biting softly, and not so softly. </p><p> </p><p>Toni felt Shelby’s hands slide back down to her hips, squeezing deliciously, and she knew what was happening. </p><p> </p><p>Toni shook her head, trying to clear the haze away, “No,” she husked. With her hand lightly around Shelby’s throat, Toni pushed her back to run her tongue over the tender place at the base of Shelby’s own neck before biting and sucking her wet skin. </p><p> </p><p>“You,” Toni said simply. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby leaned into Toni’s mouth instinctively before pulling away completely. The air that blew between their bodies felt like an affront of nature. </p><p> </p><p>“No, I’m good...” Shelby said, trying to smile convincingly. Toni just tilted her head to the side in disapproval. </p><p> </p><p>Doing her best to ignore the way Toni was looking at her, Shelby moved to pick up her top. </p><p> </p><p>Toni stopped her, sliding her fingers under the front of her shorts and, gripping, pulled her firmly forward. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby breathed out a small gasp and half-heartedly tried to lean away but Toni held her firmly in place with one hand still gripping the front of her shorts. “Toni,” She warned, but, despite her best intentions, let her eyes drop to soft, swollen lips. </p><p> </p><p>Following her gaze Toni licked her lips and leaned forward to ghost them over Shelby’s, “Tell me you’re not soaked...”</p><p> </p><p>Shelby bit down hard on her lip to suppress a moan and, in a fatal mistake, tried to turn her face away from Toni. </p><p> </p><p>With her lips now ghosting directly over Shelby’s ear, Toni spoke slowly, “Tell me you don’t want me to touch you.” Shelby released her lip and opened her mouth to try but knew she was still a terrible liar and decided it would be for not. </p><p> </p><p>Toni remembered how Shelby had reacted in the water and, keeping her on the front of her shorts, ever so slightly pulled up, applying just enough pressure as she rolled her hips forward into Shelby’s. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby gasped, letting herself go, and dropped her mouth towards Toni’s in a wet mess of a kiss. </p><p> </p><p>Given an inch, Toni was prepared to take a yard if she could manage it and, without unbuttoning them, tried to push Shelby’s shorts down with one hand. </p><p> </p><p>Pressing her hips forward, Shelby pinned Toni in her place, and broke the kiss, leaving Toni panting after her. She took the hand that was still trying to push her shorts down in hers and tangling their fingers together held it still against the wall at Toni’s side. </p><p> </p><p>Toni scrunched her brow in frustration and tried to reach for Shelby again but Shelby kept her hand pinned at her side. </p><p> </p><p>“You can watch,” Shelby clarified. Toni’s mouth dropped open as a sharp breath escaped her. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby was not making it easy to follow instructions when she gave them so hotly. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby stepped one foot between Toni’s so that she could straddle her thigh and dipped her fingers under her shorts where Toni’s hand had been, moving slowly for Toni’s benefit. </p><p> </p><p>Toni sucked her lip into her mouth watching Shelby dip her hand lower and moan as she passed her fingers through herself. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby pressed one finger in almost immediately and rocked into her own hand. </p><p> </p><p>Desperate to be part of the process but with both of her hands in timeout at her sides, Toni rolled her hips forward and lifted her thigh to support Shelby’s motions. She kissed Shelby’s throat and raked her teeth over her jaw. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby panted against the side of her face, “Toni- kiss me.” Their lips were only a short distance away but Shelby was incapable of closing that distance. </p><p> </p><p>Dragging her lips over Shelby’s face Toni happily found her lips. Shelby barely kissed her back, just moaned into her mouth as her hand sped up in her shorts.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby hips stutterd against Toni’s thigh and Toni knew she was close already.</p><p> </p><p>Rules be damned, Toni wiggled her right hand free from Shelby’s and gripped her hips with both hands to help Shelby as her motions became erratic. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby gasped as Toni took over completely, now audibly fucking Shelby against her own hand on her thigh, maintaining the pace that she knew would push Shelby over the edge. </p><p> </p><p>Toni guided her by the hips toward release and Shelby dropped face into Toni’s chest, moaning her name as she came. </p><p> </p><p>Toni held Shelby tight to her and Shelby breathed against her collar bone, placing sweet kisses as her breath slowly returned. </p><p> </p><p>When Shelby finally pulled her face away, Toni nuzzled their noses together and kissed her tenderly. </p><p> </p><p>The kiss broke with both of them laughing breathily. “That was amazing,” Toni said, smiling brightly. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby nodded against Toni’s forehead and removed her hand from her shorts, lifting her wet fingers toward her mouth to clean them but Toni leaned forward and intercepted them with her own mouth, moaning as she tasted Shelby. </p><p> </p><p>When Toni released her fingers, Shelby kissed her deeply, making Toni lean away from the wall. </p><p> </p><p>“I see you didn’t behave very well,” Shelby teased, eyeing Toni’s left hand, still holding her hip. </p><p> </p><p>Toni blushed, guilty, but rolled her eyes, “Please... it's not gonna kill me to make my girlfriend c-” </p><p> </p><p>Shit. </p><p> </p><p>Toni snapped her mouth shut and visibly cringed at her words. Unable to look at Shelby, Toni frantically tried to repair any damage she might have caused, shaking her head, “Shit..  I didn’t mean, well I didn’t-” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby leaned forward and, tucking her head to reach Toni’s lips, kissed her, effectively shutting her up. </p><p> </p><p>When Shelby pulled away, Toni looked dazed and nervously searched her eyes for a reaction. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby smiled and sweetly instructed Toni, “Say it again?” sounding a little dazed herself. </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s eyes went wide and then she softened. Laughing lightly to herself, she pulled Shelby closer, “My girlfriend…” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby watched Toni’s lips shape each syllable and the second the word was out pulled her into a head-spinning kiss with her hand behind her neck. </p><p> </p><p>Toni laughed against Shelby’s lips, “That is not the reaction I wa-” </p><p> </p><p>Both of their heads snapped around.</p><p> </p><p>Fifteen feet behind them, in nothing but a thong and her bathing suit top, Fatin broke the air with a sharp whistle, “I am here too.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni panickdley twisted them around, placing herself in front of Shelby to obscure her from view, even though she was the one buck ass naked… “Fatin! What the fuck?!” Toni barked. </p><p> </p><p>“Jesus,” Shelby exclaimed from behind Toni, reaching for her own top at their feet. </p><p> </p><p>From around the corner and out of view, Leah stuck her hand out waving apologetically, “Sorry guys! Fatin! Come on… Leave them alone already!” </p><p> </p><p>Fatin continued walking toward them, “Don’t worry guys I’m not even looking,” she assured with a hand placed over her face but fingers forked so her view was not remotely impaired. </p><p> </p><p>Pointing between them Fatin addressed Shelby, “Ya know, you might want to compare your definition of ‘strenuous’ with Martha’s…” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby blushed guiltily and worried whether she’d put Toni at any risk. </p><p> </p><p>Eyes raking over Toni, Fatin passed them, “Damn, Toni…” she complimented. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby quickly slipped on her top, head snapping up at Fatin’s words. </p><p> </p><p>Scrunching her forehead, Toni scoffed, “Oh sure, why don’t you take a fucking picture!” squaring up to Fatin. </p><p> </p><p>Toni wasn’t shy and Shelby loved that about her. However, in this exact moment, Shelby silently prayed for Toni to discover just one shy bone in her entire beautiful body, she’d have settled for a phalange at this point...</p><p> </p><p>Fatin just appraised Toni from the new angle, arching an eyebrow, “I mean, if we had a working phone…” </p><p> </p><p>Nope, nope, nope. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby rolled her eyes and pulled Toni back behind her, “Come here, idiot.” </p><p> </p><p>With her arms and body protecting Toni from intrusive eyes, Shelby addressed Fatin, “Need something Fatin?” Even though Fatin had just shamelessly ogled her “girlfriend”, Shelby was perfectly polite. </p><p> </p><p>Fatin pulled a pair of pants down from the driftwood leaning against the rock, “You two geniuses took all of my fucking pants… They weren’t even dirty?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby blushed to herself, remembering how she had distractedly collected the clothes to be washed as Toni announced, mostly toward Martha, that she was going with her. </p><p> </p><p>“Shit, sorry Fatin…” Shelby said. </p><p> </p><p>Fatin bent at the hips to step into a pair of shorts putting her ass on full display as if it weren’t already. “I know it was a calculated move to get me out of my pants,” she said, sending a wink over her shoulder past Shelby to its intended target. </p><p> </p><p>From behind Shelby, Toni practically growled in annoyance and stepped forward like she was going to physically show Fatin the fuck away from them. </p><p> </p><p>If Toni weren’t still naked Shelby might have just let her but she was, so she leaned her weight back into Toni, keeping her where she was. “Okay,” Shelby said shrilly, “You can go now Fatin.” </p><p> </p><p>Fatin threw her hands up in surrender, “Yeesh, okay. I’m going,” passing them again, she paused, “Or I could stay?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby’s eyes went wide in horror at Fatin’s suggestion. </p><p> </p><p>“Fatin! Dude, fuck off already!” Toni yelled from behind Shelby’s arm. </p><p> </p><p>Fatin jumped a little and scurried off muttering to herself, “Lovebirds cant take a joke…” </p><p> </p><p>After a few minutes, sure (you could never be sure) that Fatin was good and gone, they both relaxed. Shelby leaned back and Toni wrapped her arms around her stomach. </p><p> </p><p>“Im sorry,” Toni said, sliding her hand back and forth over Shelby’s stomach, “That sucked. Fatin sucks.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby turned around in her arms and just watched Toni, trying to gauge her disposition. </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s forehead wrinkled in concern, “What?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby shook her head and smiled, “Nothing.” She located Toni’s clothes and with great care started to dress her, helping her arm into her bra and then her shirt. Even though it wasn’t necessary, retrieving a newly cleaned pair of her own underwear, Shelby crouched down and slid them up Toni’s legs, followed by her leggings. </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s cheeks flushed with warmth, thinking how sexy it was... Shelby casually dressing her in her own underwear. It went on its own list with the many things Shelby did that made Toni feel soft, vulnerable, and oh so special.</p><p> </p><p>When Shelby met her eyes Toni smiled warmly but Shelby shyly tucked her chin and lifted a hand to play with the strap of Toni’s tank top over her collar bone, sighing heavily. </p><p> </p><p>“Figures… We’re stranded with six other people and at least one of them is a sexually fluent, horny, queer woman.” Shelby said it like it was comical and maybe she thought it was, but her body definitely didn’t get the joke because she was tense, tense like the first morning they woke up together.  </p><p> </p><p>A short laugh escaped Toni, “What?” she asked looking between Shelby and the direction Fatin had walked off in, “You mean <em> that </em>?” she pointed after Fatin. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby let out the breath she’d been holding and laughed nervously at herself. She rolled her eyes in annoyance thinking about Fatin’s eyes on Toni, “She practically undressed you with her eyes…”</p><p> </p><p>Toni couldn’t help but laugh a little, “Shebly, I was <em> naked. </em>” </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, trust me… <em>I</em> <em>know</em>,” Shelby said, her annoyance at the fact self-evident. </p><p> </p><p>All of the group had seen each other in various states of undress and Toni was no exception, so it became blatantly obvious why this, in particular, bugged Shelby. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh my god,” Toni said, emphasizing each word and laughing through her speech, “Are you jealous?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby leaned away like she had been burned and scoffed, “No! That’s ridiculous.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni raised her eyebrows knowingly, but then shrugged as if everything were normal and started to step away, “Okay, I guess I should go and see if Fatin got that phone camera working then?” </p><p> </p><p>Even knowing that Toni was teasing her, Shelby couldn’t help but internally retch at the thought. She grabbed Toni by the hand and pulled her back, “Uggh... Stop.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby leaned back against the wall, pulling Toni to stand in front of her, and dropped her forehead to Toni’s chest, “I <em> might </em> be a little jealous,” she mumbled. </p><p> </p><p>Toni laughed above her and wrapped her arms behind Shelby’s neck, stepping closer so that they were tightly wrapped in each other’s arms. </p><p> </p><p>Toni wished Shelby never felt uncertain and was happy that doubt seemed to be losing traction in her life--Toni secretly hoped their relationship had its own positive impact on Shelby-- but so long as Shelby needed affirmation, Toni would give it. </p><p> </p><p>As always, Toni tried to choose her words carefully but it wasn’t difficult. “Shelby… I don’t like you because I don’t have other options. I don’t, and wouldn’t, have other options <em> because </em> I like you.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby lifted her head from her chest to look at Toni, and smiled mostly for Toni’s sake, resenting how her feelings betrayed her. </p><p> </p><p>Toni lazily combed her fingers through the hair at the nape of Shelby’s neck, “I don’t think of Fatin like that because Fatin’s not <em> you </em>.” </p><p> </p><p>Removing her hand from Shelby’s neck, Toni ran her thumb over her lips, “Because Fatin doesn’t have these lips.” </p><p> </p><p>Raising her hand, Toni brushed her thumbs softly under Shelby’s eyes at the tops of her cheeks, “Because Fatin doesn’t have these eyes.” </p><p> </p><p>Blushing deeply under Toni’s thumbs. </p><p> </p><p>Performatively thinking to herself, Toni rocked her head between her shoulders. “But mostly because Fatin doesn’t have essential hunter-gatherer skills that will increase my likelihood of survival…” she teased. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby scoffed and playfully pushed Toni away, laughing anyways, her smile finally reaching her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Smiling successfully, Toni brushed her thumb over the corners of Shelby’s upturned lips, “Because <em>no</em> <em>one</em> else has this smile…”</p><p> </p><p>Shelby took in a shallow breath and the corners of their mouth pushed a little higher. </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s words suggested a level of intimacy that they had yet to define so Shelby watched her cautiously and in total awe as she blazed the trail for them both. </p><p> </p><p>With a weight flooding her eyes Toni pushed Shelby’s hair behind both of her ears and left her fingers there to retuck the imaginary strands she’d already secured. “Because no one else saved me,” her breath caught and her confidence momentarily faltered “Chose me…” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby understood the weight of the words and what they meant for Toni. She raised her hands to cup both sides of Toni’s own face, “An obvious choice.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni could cry but she smiled instead and kissed Shelby like she was the most precious thing in the entire world. Shelby melted equally into Toni, trying to show her everything she meant. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby pulled away to whisper against Toni’s lips, “Ya know, I’m going to tell everyone that I have the world’s softest girlfriend.” Shelby didn’t mean it. Everyone already knew that Toni was secretly a walking ball of mush anyway and this version of Toni wasn’t for anyone else. </p><p> </p><p>Toni got it then, why Shelby liked hearing her say it, “girlfriend”. Toni just laughed, her forehead bumping Shelby’s, “Okay,” she breathed, not remotely caring.  </p><p>
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</p><p>They checked and reset the traps, Shelby slyly fixing Toni’s, before returning to the camp with a lone rabbit. </p><p> </p><p>They got back to camp and everyone was busy. </p><p> </p><p>Fatin was padding the sleeping platform in the hut with tied-off bundles of dried grass, guess they did something other than traumatize Shelby and Toni afterall… </p><p> </p><p>Leah was cracking open scallops that Dot had brought back from the tide pools with Martha’s reluctant help. </p><p> </p><p>Everyone else was bending split branches around the trees lining their camp and securing them at shoulder height in a flared conical shape, extending away from the trees’ trunks in one direction. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby and Toni observed Dot, who was working closest to them, “What are y'all doing?” Shelby asked. </p><p> </p><p>Dot stepped away from her work to follow Toni and Shelby’s gaze around the group, “Nora told us something woke you all up the other day? maybe an animal?” </p><p> </p><p>Neither Toni nor Shelby responded, just looked around, both of their gazes landing on Nora who was separating the bulbs and roots of a pile of cattails Rachel and her had collected. </p><p> </p><p>“Anyway… So Nora recommended we hang torches around the camp to keep any predators away and we’re making cradles to hold them so that we don’t have a full-blown fire and brimstone hell...” </p><p> </p><p>Toni laughed curtly, trying to reward the comedic effort, lest they all die without a sense of humor to herald them out, but was busy registering Shelby’s own skepticism as her gaze remained on Nora. </p><p>
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</p><p>Toni broke off to help Dot line up the components of the windbreak so that in the morning they would be ready to assemble the walls. </p><p> </p><p>With a disposition that reminded Toni of the Shelby that had roped her into an icebreaker on the plain before everything, Shelby offered her help processing the edible cattail roots and was now sitting on her heels in a semicircle with Nora and Rachel around the pile of harvested roots. </p><p> </p><p>The breezy and overattentive smile plastered across Shelby's face would have appeared typical of her to anyone else but Toni could now see where one Shelby began and the other ended, and she suspected Shelby wasn’t mingling aimlessly… </p><p> </p><p>After a few hours of busywork, they all broke for Dinner. </p><p> </p><p>They ate scallops, rabbit, and quinoa around the fire, talking pointlessly about their favorite movies, Dot chastising everyone else for their “ignorance of classic film”. </p><p> </p><p>Leah had talked to Fatin, helping her understand the boundaries she’d crossed and Fatin apologetically made Shelby’s plate, offering it to her as an obvious olive branch for earlier. Shelby accepted gratefully, with a short nod. </p><p> </p><p>Toni was sitting on the ground in front of Rachel with her back to their shins, watching Shelby across the fire next to Nora. </p><p> </p><p>Every now and then Shelby would subtly implicate Nora in the conversation under the guise of curiosity or good-hearted inclusivity responding in that perfect southern drawl, “Well that is just so neat Nora,” and Toni had to admit… It was <em> masterful </em>, Oscar-worthy really, the way she capitalized on people’s expectations. </p><p> </p><p>Toni was so zoned out, laughing under her breath as Shelby cheerfully maneuvered the conversation so that Martha was now unwittingly prodding Nora for information on her behest, that she didn’t hear Rachel above her until a hand was snapping in front of her face. </p><p> </p><p>“Earth to Shalifoe?” Rachel prompted. Toni turned to look back over her shoulder, “Sorry… what?” </p><p> </p><p>“Are you going to eat that?” Rachel repeated, gesturing to the heap of burned scallops (couldn’t be too careful after the mussel disaster) untouched next to Toni’s quinoa on the leaf plate. </p><p> </p><p>Toni shook her head, “Nah, go for it,” and lifted the plate toward Rachel who eagerly reached over her to swoop up the shellfish. </p><p> </p><p>Rachel and Toni had a lot of the same boundaries and in general, their dispositions agreed with each other. Even though they didn’t have much to talk about, neither of them made prolix attempts at it so they effortlessly got along. </p><p> </p><p>Thinking to herself about how uncomfortable what she was about to do was going to be, Toni pushed her quinoa around on her plate. “Hey, so I noticed Nora and you are getting along pretty well?” </p><p> </p><p>Above her, Rachel froze, mid-bite, scrunching her brow, defensive but suspending some trust in honor of the understanding her and Toni had developed. They set their bite of food down, “Yeah? What of it?” they asked looking over to Nora and back to Toni in front of them. </p><p> </p><p>Well, that obviously wasn’t going to get Toni anywhere... Toni shrugged against Rachel’s shins and took a bite of her food, “Cool,” she said simply, not about to push it. </p><p> </p><p>Placated by Toni’s terse reinforcement of their dynamic, Rachel relaxed again and continued eating her food, “Yeah, it is.” She thought to herself before continuing, “Sometimes I worry about her…” </p><p> </p><p>Toni wasn’t expecting that but knew better than to react if she didn’t want Rachel to immediately shut down, “Oh yeah?” she asked, totally aloof. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I don’t know... just, before all of this Nora went through some real shit and, other than our cock and savior,” Rachel said, gesturing across the fire, where Dot was pretending to motorboat Fatin in a crude reenactment of a movie scene. They both laughed out loud at how ridiculous the two were, knowing they were essential to the group's psyche. </p><p> </p><p>Tapering off her laughter Rachel let out a deep breath, “Nora is the only other one of us who hasn’t gone off the deep end so I guess I’m kind of holding my breath on it.” </p><p> </p><p>Granted Toni had begun the conversation with ulterior motives, she was genuinely appreciative of Rachel’s attempt at opening up.</p><p> </p><p>Toni nodded her understanding and returning her attention to her quinoa casually pushed a shoulder back into Rachel to show her support without putting too much attention on the subject, “She’ll be okay, she’s got us.” </p><p> </p><p>Even if Rachel wouldn’t admit it, it was nice to not be the only person worrying about Nora, to have a team, to be and “us”. </p><p> </p><p>They all finished eating and helped clean up as some long conversations lazily carried on. </p><p> </p><p>Dropping some wood near the fire for Fatin, who was rearranging the logs for the night while everyone else bustled around, Shelby looked up and met Toni’s eyes as she finished burning their leaf plates to avoid attracting animals. </p><p> </p><p>Toni smiled warmly across the fire at Shelby. To Toni, it felt like in some way that was her over there and her over here. She ached for Shelby to join her. </p><p> </p><p>Unaware of Toni’s private desire, Shelby held their gaze and gravitated around the fire to them. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby slowly slid her arms over Toni’s shoulders to rest her hands against the back of her head, lightly running her fingers through her hair. Toni rarely wore her hair down but did now, her injury making it difficult to tie it up. “Hi,” Shelby breathed. </p><p> </p><p>Toni laughed and loosely overlaid her arms behind Shelby’s waist, “Hi,” she echoed. </p><p> </p><p>They both breathed easier in each other’s arms, thought less about the past and less about the future.  </p><p> </p><p>Leaning forward, Shelby pressed her lips to Toni’s. It was relaxed and warm and everything. </p><p> </p><p>When Shelby pulled away, Toni laughed shyly and flushed, embarrassed by how deeply it affected her to be the subject of Shelby’s casual and open affection like this. “What was that for?” she asked, not really needing there to be a reason. </p><p> </p><p>Smiling, Shelby shrugged, “It just occurred to me that I could.”</p><p> </p><p>Toni shyly bit her lip, causing Shelby to smile even wider. Shelby kissed her cheek sweetly, “Come on, I miss our bed.” Toni smiled at knowing Shelby thought of it as their bed and let Shelby pull her along, slipping silently away from the group. </p><p> </p><p>They both stretched out in the hammock sighing deeply as the exhaustion of the day sank in. On some level, it felt really good to have to work so hard for simple things without more complex anxieties hanging over their head and to always go to bed tired. </p><p> </p><p>After a moment, Toni suddenly propped up on her elbow hovering over Shelby, who feeling her gaze cracked an eye open curiously. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay, spill. What did you get?” Toni said, readjusting her hand in her cheek to face Shelby. </p><p> </p><p>“What?” Shelby asked, opening her other eye to look up at Toni.   </p><p> </p><p>“Come on Shelblock Holmes…” Toni teased, rolling her eyes playfully, “I know you did not just spend the entire night extracting Nora’s every interest and opinion because you think they are ‘just so neat’.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni delivered her best impression of Shelby’s accent and Shelby laughed in mortification at the attempt. “I do <em> not </em> sound like that…” Shelby said. </p><p> </p><p>“Yes you do,” Toni countered, “Now spill.”    </p><p> </p><p>Shelby laughed to herself, perplexed as to when Toni got to know her so well that she saw through her intentions so easily now. She pushed up onto her elbow to mirror Toni’s posture and smiled excitedly, “Not much, all around they are pretty close to the vest about things, which would make me suspicious if it wasn’t Nora....” </p><p> </p><p>Toni nodded, contemplating how far that extended as a function of Nora’s personality. </p><p> </p><p>Thinking to herself, Shelby worried her lip between her index finger and thumb, wondering how to share what she was thinking, “One thing that did ping for me… they don’t talk about the rest of the world, how our lives were, in the past tense.” </p><p> </p><p>Wrinkling her brow Toni asked, “What do you mean?”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t really know,” Shelby said, shaking her head slightly, “It was just an observation. I suppose it could just be optimism… It’s just different somehow when they talk about everything, our situation.”</p><p> </p><p>Remembering what Rachel had said, Toni considered Shelby’s words. “Rachel said something similar actually…” Shelby just waited, watching Toni think. “Just that Nora is the only one of us who hasn’t really eaten their own shit. We’ve all lost it in one way or another, but other than standing up to Rachel, Nora is just... fine.” </p><p> </p><p>“Huh, yeah. I guess you’re right, I really hadn’t thought about it like that.” Shelby said, letting her lip go. “Did the torch thing seem weird to you too?” she asked. </p><p> </p><p>Toni shrugged, “Yeah, I didn’t remember Nora being very concerned that morning, but then why the overcompensation?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby shook her head and deepened the crease in her forehead. This was all very confusing. </p><p> </p><p>“And it’s like,” Shelby paused remembering Leah in her face on the beach after the tide took all their shit, “Just, every five seconds they seem to have some new practical skill or piece of information and...” Shelby sighed, not really sure what she was getting at. </p><p> </p><p>With glazed-over eyes, each stuck in their own mental fumble, they met each other’s gaze and, snapping back to reality, laughed, feeling equally ridiculous. </p><p> </p><p>Dropping her elbow between them and leaning back into the hammock, Shelby laughed harder and Toni, unable to not join her, asked, “What?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby sighed and ran a hand over her face, “Maybe we’re both losing it again, just together this time, spurring on each other’s delusion?” </p><p> </p><p>Toni reclined back into the hammock and pulled Shelby to her side, “Well I don’t know about you...  but I’d rather be out of touch with reality together.” They nuzzled their nose against the top of Shelby’s head. </p><p> </p><p>Letting out a deep breath, Shelby laughed and pulled herself impossibly closer. </p><p> </p><p>That night, they didn’t dream or even stir but silently slipped into a deathlike slumber, like a body united, ignorant of its grave. </p><p>
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</p><p>Toni woke up slow, her mind grinding inside of her body as she tried to work up to movement. Remembering who had fallen asleep in her arms, a little less reluctant to be alive, she lethargically rolled around seeking out Shelby’s warm body. </p><p> </p><p>Very suddenly, Toni was made aware of the distance between her and the ground as she rolled into more hammock, causing it to lurch precariously beneath her. </p><p> </p><p>Unintentionally alert now, with a hand against the tree trunk, Toni stabilized the hammock and looked around, finally registering her surroundings. </p><p> </p><p>It was still early but Shelby was gone.</p><p> </p><p>It was a common rhythm for Shelby to wake up before Toni, but usually, she would wake Toni up with her. </p><p> </p><p>Toni carefully descended the tree, knowing not to trust her decaf-body after the time she almost fell halfway down, narrowly saved by Shelby’s quick hands. </p><p> </p><p>Yawning, Toni dragged her body around the hut to the front of their camp where she hoped to find two things, tea and tired green eyes, and not necessarily in that order. </p><p> </p><p>Everyone was sitting around the fire still waking up. Food was cooking and tea was boiling. </p><p> </p><p>Glancing around the fire, Toni let out a long yawn, “Anyone seen Shelby?” </p><p> </p><p>A few heads turned but it was early and tea was still brewing. Among the heads that turned were Nora and Dot. “She’s not in bed?” Nora asked quickly, her question mushing with Dot’s voice, “Thought you were both still sleeping?” </p><p> </p><p>As if her spine could captain her body without her brain being totally awake, Toni straightened, her alarm building,  “No, they always wake up before me. Wait, so no one has seen them today?” Toni could hear the panic flooding her voice, but couldn’t help it even as more heads started to turn. </p><p> </p><p>Everyone shook their heads in a resounding “no”. Martha poured a cup of tea and handed it to Toni, “Relax, they’re probably just going to the bathroom, maybe praying?” </p><p> </p><p>Toni nodded, slightly embarrassed but still distracted by Shelby’s absence. Then she remembered the spot on the beach where Shelby would go in the mornings sometimes. </p><p> </p><p>Leaving the cup of tea to steam in the air between them, Toni said, “Yeah, I'm going to check the beach quick,” and turned toward the water. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby was nowhere to be found. Lacing her fingers together behind her head, Toni twisted looking between either end of the expansive beach, and sighed, doing her best to keep her head. </p><p> </p><p>With quick strides, Toni walked back into the camp where everyone was getting ready for the day, “I can’t find Shelby,” she said, her breath a little quicker than it had been earlier. </p><p> </p><p>Everyone stopped what they were doing. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay...” Dot said, rounding the bench to stand in front of Toni, “Do you know when she left or remember when you fell asleep?” Trying to calmly extract anything that might be helpful without scaring Toni. </p><p> </p><p>Toni bit her shaking lip, narrowing her burning eyes to fight the persistent ache in her chest, and shook her head hopelessly, “No I- I- I don’t know…” </p><p> </p><p>Martha was at her side now and slipped a supportive hand into hers, squeezing reassuringly, “Toni, it’s okay.” </p><p> </p><p>Dot nodded, “Yeah, I’m sure Shelby is fine, but how about we all,” she paused to look at Toni who was hanging on her every breath, and carefully reselected her words, “go for a quick <em> walk, </em> just to be sure?”</p><p> </p><p>Managing to hold their tears at bay, Toni nodded fervently. </p><p> </p><p>Leah stayed at the camp in case Shelby came back while everyone else went for a casual stroll to search for Shelby. </p><p> </p><p>An hour passed quickly… They searched all along the trees lining their camp, went to the waterfall, to their old campsite, and everywhere in between, but no Shelby. </p><p> </p><p>Every time someone yelled “Shelby!” Toni’s chest tightened but she forced herself to echo the call, knowing that, in a geographically diverse terrain like theirs, you would hear anything before you saw it. Her eyes stung a little more at the memory of Shelby nagging her and she wished she would now. </p><p> </p><p>After an hour of searching, Toni was properly losing her shit and stopping in her tracks slammed her fist into the nearest tree, immediately regretting it when the bark broke her skin. </p><p> </p><p>“Shit, Toni!” Dot yelled, racing up behind her and reaching out to stop her. </p><p> </p><p>Shaking her hand, Toni hissed as the air breached the small fissures covering her already bruising knuckles. </p><p> </p><p>“Dude…” Dot said disapprovingly. Toni shook her head, “Fuck. I know, I know…” </p><p> </p><p>Dot sympathized with Toni, “We’re going to find Shelby but in the meantime, you have to keep your shit together. Okay, dude?” </p><p> </p><p>Toni nodded, trying to not listen to the very pessimistic thoughts plaguing her. </p><p> </p><p>After half an hour more of searching, Dot said they ought to check back at camp, get water, bandage Toni’s hand, and recharge before pushing on. Toni was reluctant to go back but she had already been scolded when Martha saw her hand and Dot reminded her that six dehydrated people stumbling around is a lot less efficient than six hydrated people stumbling around. </p><p> </p><p>Toni hung her head low the entire way back and tried not to think. Thinking was not her friend right now. </p><p> </p><p>As they rounded the tree line toward their camp, walking at the back of the group, Toni listlessly looked behind them trying to will blond hair and green eyes into view. Lamenting on the time they were wasting she started again, “Dot we should be quick, we don-” </p><p> </p><p>“Shelby!” Martha hollered from in front of them. </p><p> </p><p>Toni threw her head around, her view of the camp still obscured by trees. Without thinking, Toni was running around the trees that blocked the camp, each step feeling like she was running through quicksand. </p><p> </p><p>The camp came into view and Toni slammed on her heels like she’d hit a wall the second she saw her. Immobile at the mouth of their camp where the trees parted, Toni ran her eyes over Shelby, she was perfect and whole and being pulled into a hug by Martha. </p><p> </p><p>Toni breathed ruggedly, her chest heaving. Every successfully unshed tear fell from her face at once in a mass exodus. The tightness that had been mounting in her chest released slightly before ripping through her again tenfold.</p><p> </p><p>Toni’s vision was so blurred by their pooling tears and the blinding pain behind their eyes, that they were only faintly aware of the person approaching them. </p><p> </p><p>When the amorphous figure spoke, Toni only heard her own breath sharply cutting the air, it sounded erratic and painful. The sound made her panic and she tried desperately to breathe normally. </p><p> </p><p>The figure stepped tentatively closer and Toni’s vision filled with green eyes and sunkist cheeks, she smiled like she wasn’t drowning on dry land but her eyes widened in panic as her chest tightened even more. Scared, she looked at Shelby as fresh tears stung her face, “I- ” she croaked out between sharp quick bursts of air, not sure what she would have said if she could speak. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby was keeping her distance and moving slow, her hands lifted low in the space between them. “Toni, babe,” she said, keeping her voice low. Toni heard the sweet round drawl of the person that could make her chest flutter but instead felt like it had been run over by a semi-truck. </p><p> </p><p>Toni distantly registered Shelby trying to speak to her but blood was roaring in her ears making Shelby impossible to understand. She knew she must have looked bad if Shelby’s face was any indication. Straining, still unable to take a full breath, Toni pushed herself to speak in dislocated and butchered syllables, “I- im- ok- okay”</p><p> </p><p>The exertion of trying to speak was making Toni’s face turn an unsettling shade of purple and the veins around her neck and face were now visibly straining as her chest continued to heave at a horrifying speed. </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s hands shook as Shelby continued to say slow sweet things she couldn’t hear, too absorbed in her own panic. She just kept brokenly repeating, “I'm okay,” as she became increasingly not okay and her body swayed. </p><p> </p><p>The last thing Toni saw was Shelby lunging toward her with wide eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby threw herself between the ground and Toni’s tipping body. </p><p>
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</p><p>Toni’s brain throbbed inside of her skull. She heard hushed voices talking above her. </p><p> </p><p>“Dottie it’s been so long...” </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry, she probably just tired herself out.” </p><p> </p><p>“Should we try to wake her up?” </p><p> </p><p>Slowly coming back into consciousness, Toni pried her eyes open. </p><p> </p><p>Behind Toni, Dot let out a relieved sigh, “See, here they come,” she said like she maybe hadn’t fully believed the reassurances she’d made and was personally relieved to see Toni waking up. </p><p> </p><p>One of the overexposed figures standing above her dropped immediately. Toni felt slender fingers wrap around her right hand and another hand perch gently on her thigh, “Oh my god,” they breathed.  </p><p> </p><p>Toni was laying down on a bench around the fire with her head propped up by a folded sweatshirt. </p><p> </p><p>Toni took in everyone circled around her with the same concerned look and finally, Shelby hovering above her off of her right side. Seeing Shelby, she relaxed, feeling relieved, and then tensed, averting her eyes. She slowly tried to sit up and, wincing, wondered why her chest felt like it had been someone's punching bag. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby’s left arm quickly wrapped behind her shoulders, “Hey, go slow,” she said supporting Toni as she sat the rest of the way up.</p><p> </p><p>Her voice hoarse from exertion, toward no one in particular, Toni asked “What happened?” blinking her eyes as the blood rushed from her head. </p><p> </p><p>Once Toni had her bearings she subtly shrugged out of Shelby’s touch leaving her arm to hang awkwardly behind her. </p><p> </p><p>Martha sat next to her as Toni swung her legs around to the ground. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby stayed uncomfortably kneeling next to Toni, watching her carefully, “You passed out,” she answered flatly.  </p><p> </p><p>Toni rubbed at her temple and, not looking at Shelby, just said, “Oh.” She could feel Shelby trying to meet her gaze but just cleared her throat and looking past her asked Dot, “Could I have some water? My throat feels like sandpaper.” </p><p> </p><p>The crease between her brows deepening, Shelby silently stood beside the bench, stepping out of the way as Dot returned with a canteen. </p><p> </p><p>Toni took a few sips and then forgot the canteen at her feet. </p><p> </p><p>“How does your head feel?” Martha asked, clearly affected by the events. </p><p> </p><p>Toni nodded, “Just a headache, nothing I can’t walk off.” </p><p> </p><p>Everyone was watching her like she’d just risen from the dead and Toni was acting as if nothing had even happened. </p><p> </p><p>Feeling the weight of everyone’s attention, Toni stood, wanting to escape, Martha quickly following, and Shelby instinctively stepping toward her with ready hands. </p><p> </p><p>Perceiving Shelby’s hovering hands, Toni flinched barely, pulling her arms closer to her body, not enough for anyone else to notice but Shelby sure did. Quickly looking at Martha, sounding dejected and tired, Toni said, “I need some air... want to walk Marty?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby dropped her hands and tried not to look hurt, tried to remind herself that Toni just went through a lot, it made sense she wanted Martha. </p><p>
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</p><p>On the beach, Martha tried to ask Toni about it, “You haven’t had one of those in a long-”, Toni cut her off. </p><p> </p><p>She knew exactly when her last panic attack was, just before she moved in with the Blackburns after one of her teachers called the police to school after seeing the bruises up her arms. </p><p> </p><p>“Marty!” she sighed knowing Martha was just concerned for her, “I’m okay, I promise… can we please just walk?” she asked desperately. </p><p> </p><p>Understanding it was difficult for Toni to talk about, Martha nodded and slipped Toni’s arm into the crook of her elbow protectively as they walked. Martha really was the best friend ever. </p><p>
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</p><p>Shelby busied herself around camp, feeding the fire and preparing dinner with Leah. She worried her lip between her teeth and turned the day around in her head, trying to figure out why Toni was reacting to her like she was walking poison ivy. </p><p>
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</p><p>When Toni and Martha returned to camp, in their own time, everyone unobtrusively took stock of Toni, making sure they were okay. </p><p> </p><p>Despite her best efforts, Shelby anticipatorily watched Toni, who didn’t so much as look in her direction and just went to help Rachel soak the processed cattail bulbs in reserved animal fat for the torches. </p><p> </p><p>Eventually, as the sun began to dip toward the horizon, one by one, they all found a seat around the fire. </p><p> </p><p>With Leah’s help, Shelby served everybody quinoa, assorted greens, and boiled cattail roots. </p><p> </p><p>Smiling warmly, she handed Toni her food on the bent leaf and Toni finally looked at her but her expression was completely blank, no warmth, no malice, no recognition. It was how strangers would interact, polite and hospitable but nothing more. </p><p> </p><p>It fucking killed Shelby. The way Toni looked at her like she had no idea why Shelby was looking at her. Shelby’s smile dropped and she pulled her hand away pointedly. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby sat on the opposite side of the fire from Toni, doing her best to let anger be her dominant emotion but consistently failing as her heart clenched in concern, unintentionally drifting her gaze toward Toni, who just sat with her knees tucked into her stomach, eyes not leaving her plate as she ate. </p><p> </p><p>When they were all finished eating, Fatin and Dot collected everyone’s plates and cleaned up. Martha offered to collect more wood, and Toni stood up to follow, but Shelby interjected in that ever-charming drawl, hoping Martha hadn’t picked up on the tension between them, “You look tired Martha, you should relax. Toni and I have got it,” she said not looking to Toni for confirmation. </p><p> </p><p>Martha yawned, stretching her arms backward, “Okay, if you're sure,” she said, already dropping back onto the bench next to Marcus. </p><p> </p><p>Not waiting for Shelby, Toni lumbered into the tree line and Shelby briskly walked after her to catch up, this time unsurprised when Toni didn’t acknowledge her. </p><p> </p><p>Toni silently collected dry wood and twigs in her arms. </p><p> </p><p>Before her brain could catch up with her mouth, Shelby said, “Careful carrying too much with your arm...” </p><p> </p><p>Without looking up, continuing to peruse the forest floor in the fading daylight, Toni nodded. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby sighed and watched Toni out of the corner of her eye, resenting how much she cared.</p><p> </p><p>With her arms full of wood, Toni turned, heading back to camp, silently passing Shelby like she was anyone else. </p><p> </p><p>At her limit, Shelby dropped all of the wood from her own arms, “What fucking gives?!” she asked, louder than she’d expected. </p><p> </p><p>With her back to Shelby, Toni stalled in her tracks, her shoulder blades pinching together painfully. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby just reeled, her jaw slightly hung and eyebrows glued in harsh lines, “You won’t talk to me, won’t touch me, won’t even look at me?” she said, feeling the anger she’d intended being once again eclipsed by her concern. </p><p> </p><p>Toni flinched in front of her and pushed her shoulder blades impossibly closer together. </p><p> </p><p>Sighing to herself, Shelby frowned “Did I do something wrong?” she asked defeatedly. </p><p> </p><p>In front of her, Shelby watched Toni take a strained breath in, letting her shoulders relax, only barely, as she shook her head <em> no </em>. It was the most Toni had acknowledged her all day. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby let out her own frustrated breath and rounded Toni’s side to stand in front of her, leaving more space between them then she usually would have, “So what then?” she asked desperately. </p><p> </p><p>Toni lethargically dropped her arms, letting the wood fall around her feet but kept her eyes on the ground, her head turned away from Shelby. Sighing, she lifted her hands to run over her face. </p><p> </p><p>Seeing Toni’s bloodied knuckles for the first time, Shelby reached a hand out but Toni stepped away and immediately dropped her hands to her side, grimacing like Shelby was the one who had done it to her. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby’s chest panged and her eyes burned at Toni’s reaction. Floundering, she asked, “Are you mad at me?” her voice breaking over each syllable. </p><p> </p><p>Whatever mask Toni was wearing slipped and, closing her eyes, she shook her head intently, digging her nails into her palms at her sides, “Why would I be mad at you?” </p><p> </p><p>Searching her face, Shelby flailed her hands at her sides, “I don’t know, you tell me Toni? Because I was gone?” she asked, softer now, “Because of how I handled your panic attack? I’m sorry I’ve just never seen someone else- I panicked, an-”</p><p> </p><p>Not able to listen to anymore, Toni let out a violent breath of air that sounded like she’d been holding it for a long time, drawing Shelby’s full attention. When Toni finally met her eyes, Shelby was speechless by how tormented she looked, her eyes red and wet.  </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not <em> mad </em> at you Shelby! I <em> love </em> you,” Toni practically sobbed through the end of the sentence as she wrapped her arms tightly around herself. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby was speechless, frozen in place, eyes wide and lips parted, watching Toni cry. No one outside of her family had ever told her they loved her. </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s eyes clenched tightly together as she held herself, crying, little short breaths escaping her. </p><p> </p><p>Processing everything that was happening, Shelby moved to take a step forward but stopped. She had no idea what to say. A thousand thoughts whirled around in her head looking at Toni.  “I-” she paused, “Toni…” she said like her voice could close the distance between them, “Why are you crying?” she asked painedly. This was all new to Shelby but she had a feeling that <em> this </em> was not a typical response. </p><p> </p><p>Sucking in a rugged breath of air, Toni opened her eyes to finally look at Shelby, her entire body was stiff like she was fortifying herself for siege. “<em> Because, </em> Shelby,” she breathed, tears falling quickly, “Because I love you and it <em> fucking </em> hurts and we’re stuck on this fucking island and we’re probably going to die here but I just love you and I don’t know what the <em> fuck </em> to do.” </p><p> </p><p>It made no sense and so much sense to Shelby. Toni was scared, she was scared of loving her, of needing her. </p><p> </p><p>Three times now… Three times Toni told Shelby she loved her and it was making her heart pound loud and long like it never had before. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby stepped toward Toni. </p><p> </p><p>Wrinkling her forehead aggressively, Toni took a step back and shook her head, “Don’t,” she begged. </p><p> </p><p>Ignoring Toni, Shelby pressed forward and reached out for her. </p><p> </p><p>Toni tried to push Shelby’s hands away but Shelby just dodged her hands and wrapped her arms tightly around Toni’s torso, even as she tried to wiggle away from her. </p><p> </p><p>With her arms awkwardly extended above her, refusing to embrace Shelby, who just held her tighter and tucked her chin over her shoulder, Toni began to sob again, “Shelby, let go of me.” </p><p> </p><p>Tears streamed down Shelby’s face as she nuzzled into the crook of Toni’s neck, holding her tightly, “No,” she answered simply, breathing against Toni’s skin. Pressing her hands behind Toni’s back into her shoulders, Shelby forced Toni to embrace her, “No,” she repeated. </p><p> </p><p>Letting out a massive sob, Toni deflated and fell forward into Shelby. Finally moving her arms around her, Toni held onto Shelby for dear life and let her tears pour out onto her shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby pulled away slightly to readjust them, wrapping her arms around Toni’s shoulders to hold her against her chest as she cried and gripped at the front of Shelby’s shirt. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” Shelby whispered into Toni’s hair, “It’s okay.” She ran hands soothingly over Toni’s back as her body shook, thinking her own heart might be breaking. </p><p>
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</p><p>Toni’s breathing eventually slowed but she remained tucked into Shelby's now wet chest, “I’m sorry I said it…” she whispered. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby knew what she meant but didn’t know why she would apologize. Keeping her lips against Toni’s head she shook her head, “Don’t be.” With her hands on either side of Toni’s face, Shelby pulled her gently away from her chest. </p><p> </p><p>Both of their faces were wet from crying. Shelby searched Toni’s eyes longingly, and as Toni let out an easy breath, Shelby covered her mouth with hers. </p><p> </p><p>The kiss was messy and slow and deliberate. Toni’s lips trembled but she kissed Shelby back deeply like it hurt her to do it but hurt her even more not to. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby used to grin and bear kisses from Andrew, she’d never imagined a kiss could be like this, so... infinite. </p><p> </p><p>Pulling Shelby forward, Toni leaned back, making Shelby’s arms wrap around her waist to hold them up. The angle caused their lips to separate briefly and they were both breathing heavily, fresh tears streaking down their faces. </p><p> </p><p>They both reached up to wipe the tears away from the other’s face. </p><p> </p><p>Running her thumbs over Toni’s cheeks Shelby smiled through her own fat tears, “One day I’ll say it too and I won’t be sorry.” </p><p> </p><p>Exhausted, Toni didn’t think too hard about it, just nodded her forehead against Shelby’s as the salt from her tears crystalized against her face.  </p><p> </p><p>Without another word, Shelby led them to their bed and they fell asleep wrapped tightly in each other’s arms. Shelby would tell Toni about Nora in the morning, right now she just needed to hold her. </p><p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. This Is Not a Drill, This Is My Life</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I plan to update sooner for the next chapter, we'll see what life has to say about it... </p><p>In case it is not clear, NO major character death, deep breath.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Early in the morning, the air still sharp, with not even the music of the vastly diverse bird population to cushion the hour, Shelby squeezed Toni in her arms and, running her hand softly over her jaw, shook her awake. “Toni… hey, wake up,” she whispered. </p><p> </p><p>As Toni’s eyes rolled around in her head trying to tap into her surroundings, Shelby continued to shake her, reminding her she was being intentionally woken. “Shelby? Is it really early?” she asked her voice gravely and disoriented. </p><p> </p><p>“Shhh” Shelby hushed her, with a finger pressed to Toni’s lips. Toni’s eyes widened, now at attention, and she watched Shelby lean over the edge of the hammock and point, directing Toni to follow her gaze. </p><p> </p><p>Toni squinted her eyes in the liminal morning light, and looking through the trees behind the camp saw Nora stepping awkwardly between the trees, moving away from their camp. Toni’s forehead wrinkled, observing Nora’s unnatural gate. She looked back to Shelby with a silent question. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby just slid her arm out from under Toni and silently motioned for her to follow as she climbed out of the hammock. She spotted Toni all the way down, helping her keep her injured arm as isolated as possible.  </p><p> </p><p>With quick silent steps, they made off after Nora, Toni following Shelby blindly. </p><p> </p><p>Nora made a sharp right turn maybe 30ft in front of them and Shelby quickly grabbed Toni, pulling them both behind a tree out of sight. </p><p> </p><p>After a moment, Shelby peaked around the tree to make sure they hadn’t alerted Nora of their presence, they hadn’t and Nora continued her circumvented Frankenstein walk through the trees. </p><p> </p><p>Letting out a sigh of relief, Toni looked at Shelby, “This is where you were?” she whispered, concerned, “Yesterday.”</p><p> </p><p>Shelby nodded, “They must do this every morning. Yesterday I lost them while trying to keep my distance but it,” she paused glancing back at Nora who was well out of earshot, “It seemed like they were headed somewhere.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni tried to catch up mentally, shaking her head in confusion, “What’s up with the walk?” she asked sure Shelby had thought on it. </p><p> </p><p>Unnecessarily lowering her voice, Shelby said, “I haven’t a clue, it’s like they are counting their steps.” </p><p> </p><p>Taking Toni by the hand, Shelby pulled them after Nora, “C’mon.”</p><p> </p><p>They silently followed Nora past the waterfall, ducking behind trees a few times when Nora suddenly paused, only to twist unnaturally and continue in a different direction. </p><p> </p><p>After a few sharp turns, Toni and Shelby both lost sight of Nora and looked around urgently. With quicker steps, they hurried in the direction Nora had been heading. Whipping around trees and pushing through the low-growing foliage. </p><p> </p><p>Quickly turning around a large tree they both jumped, gasping in sync, as their eyes landed on Nora standing stark still, facing them dead on, eyes wide, and jaw tightly set. </p><p> </p><p>Taking Toni’s hand and pulling them a few steps back for space, Shelby opened her mouth to feign their ignorance but Nora stepped forward quicker than either of them expected, slapping a hand over each of their mouths. </p><p> </p><p>Toni and Shelby’s eyes went wide watching Nora frantically look around them at nothing. </p><p> </p><p>Bring her eyes back to Toni and Shelby, a look of total dread overcame Nora like the ground was going to fall right out from under them. </p><p> </p><p>They both tried to pull away from Nora’s hands but Nora gripped their faces in each hand, squeezing warningly. </p><p> </p><p>At this point, Toni and Shelby were beyond concerned, beyond suspicious. </p><p> </p><p>With effort, Nora gave an apologetic but careful look, trying to meet them where they were, “Shhhhh” she directed sternly, making no sense whatsoever. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby and Toni looked around them like Nora had. They had been quiet because they were sneaking around spying on Nora but why would Nora say to be quiet now? </p><p> </p><p>Done with whatever this was, Toni bit the hand over her face and slapped the other away from Shelby’s but didn’t make a sound, just gave Nora a warning look right back, letting her know she would be allowed very little time to explain. </p><p> </p><p>Toni broke the skin but Nora hardly reacted, just quickly raised her hands in surrender, ready like Shelby and Toni were bombs she might have to defuse in a pinch. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby and Toni just watched, confused and expectant with tightly scrunched brows. Thinking to herself, Nora bit down on her bottom and looked around them once more. </p><p> </p><p>Nora raised a finger to her lips signaling again for them to be quiet and whispered, barely audible, “I’ll explain,” she gestured behind her, “But just- just follow me first?” she finished nodding, obviously desperate for their compliance. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby and Toni shared a glance, having a silent conversation. Toni felt uncertain and a little out of luck as of recent so Shelby squeezed her hand reassuringly, giving her a soft smile. At the same time, they turned back to Nora, tense expressions back in place, and nodded reluctantly. </p><p> </p><p>Nora slowly turned to pick up her unconventional walk but paused, looking over her shoulder at them, “Like me…” she said motioning to the strict path she followed. </p><p> </p><p>Looking down, Shelby and Toni finally saw the faint path created by Nora’s repeated steps. How many mornings had Nora done this? </p><p> </p><p>They both looked up at her skeptically, faith wearing thin... Nora just shrugged and motioned for them to follow. </p><p> </p><p>The way Nora had them move, in a circumvented path past the direction they would eventually move in, reminded Shelby of when she would sneak out late to hang out with Becca and would have to swing wide around the back of the house to evade the security camera at their front door.</p><p> </p><p>Nora gave Toni and Shelby harsh looks each time they failed to mimic her path, neither of them understanding the import of doing so. To their surprise, Nora led them to the cave they had failed to make a home. </p><p> </p><p>It was honestly all starting to feel very sheep to the slaughter...</p><p> </p><p>They stood together at the mouth of the cave, Nora looked them both over apprehensively before stepping into the darkness toward the back of the cave. </p><p> </p><p>Already working hard to suspend trust, Toni stepped after Nora, “Hey wha-” stopping in her tracks as a spark broke the darkness of the cave before the scene plunged again into anonymity. </p><p> </p><p>Another spark broke the dark but the light was sustained, a warm glow now cast over the belly of the cave as Nora lit a makeshift oil lamp from the fish oil they had rendered. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby stepped to Toni’s side, taking in the cave together, jaws dropping. </p><p> </p><p>This was not the cave they had abandoned. </p><p> </p><p>At the back of the cave, there was a bamboo desk with papers scattered across it, miscellaneous technical drawings, and random maps and timetables that meant nothing to Toni or Shelby. </p><p> </p><p>Resting in the middle of the desk, instead of under the large marker tree near their old camp where they’d left it, was the black box, its insides spilling out over the desk. Around the base of the desk, littering the ground, were various disassembled electronic components and tangled wires. </p><p> </p><p>Subconsciously stepping in front of Toni, who looked just as upset and confused as she felt, Shelby slowly asked, “Nora, what the hell is this?” </p><p> </p><p>Nora was standing still with her hands nervously crossed in front of her, “I’m trying to fix the black box...” she said, gesturing towards the box and smiling unconvincingly as if any of this made sense. </p><p> </p><p>“Shelby,” Toni said to her right, gesturing to the electronics on the ground, “The broken tech… By the tree.” </p><p> </p><p>Realizing this was way too much random wiring and tech to have come from the black box alone, Shelby turned back to Nora, “<em> Where </em> did all of this come from?” Maybe Shelby was afraid of the answer because her voice shook as she asked. </p><p> </p><p>The casual countenance that Nora had been trying to adopt broke and now she looked genuinely afraid of them. </p><p> </p><p>Watching Nora’s face change, everything came back to Toni, the inefficient path they’d taken here, Nora counting her steps where the path was less defined, her secretive behavior, and it all made less and less sense when she looked at it together. </p><p> </p><p>Eyes drifting back around the cave, Nora’s… operation, Toni felt her stomach drop and shook her head. “What the hell is this?” she asked, repeating Shelby’s sentiment, not really addressing Nora but some absent thing, bigger than them, bigger than the island. </p><p> </p><p>Leah’s words on the beach, weeks ago, played through Shelby’s head and a single tear dropped past her cheek to the ground. “Nora,” Shelby said harshly, “<em> Why </em> did we have to follow a path to get here? We all know the way.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby’s voice held more venom than Toni had ever heard in it, even during their harshest treatments of one another but she couldn’t even bring herself to worry about it, feeling on the verge of hurling her guts out.  </p><p> </p><p>Nora ran her shaking hands across her forehead, struggling to meet either of their gazes. In all of the training she’d done before coming to the island, no one prepared her for the cognitive dissonance of one of the participants (hostages) learning the reality of the experiment. Her voice shook and she forced herself not to cry, she would need credibility very soon, “Please just try to keep an open mind?” </p><p> </p><p>“Nora!” Shelby yelled shrilly. Toni clenched her jaw but reached for Shelby’s arm to ground them as they heard what they needed to. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby’s voice caused Nora to jump but she nodded quickly, best to tear the bandaid off fast and get a look at the wound, “There was no plane crash. No one remembers crashing because we didn’t. You were placed on the island as involuntary participants in a sociological experiment about matriarchal power dynamics. And we followed the path because there are cameras planted for constant surveillance.” She let the words fly like an arrow, each one hitting its mark, hard. </p><p> </p><p>Toni puked and Shelby just stared at Nora, dumbfounded, in disbelief. The memory of Nora tackling the lighter out of Leah’s hand shifted in her memory along with everything else. </p><p> </p><p>With discipline, Shelby took a breath and rearranged her psychology to remember, no matter what, that Nora was untrustworthy, anyone who lied so easily and violently could not be trusted and would do it again. However, she reluctantly admitted to herself that even though they couldn’t trust Nora, if everything she was saying was true… they might need Nora. </p><p> </p><p>Violently wiping her mouth and standing back up, Toni spat, “I’ll fucking kill you!” and lunged toward Nora. </p><p> </p><p>Reacting quickly, Shelby pulled Toni back by the waist and let them writhe in her arms. When Toni was calm, Shelby pointed to the ground telling her to stay and turning back to Nora, with quick steps closed the space between them slamming her fist clean to the side of Nora’s face.  Nora stumbled backward clutching her cheek and Toni jumped to stand between them, pushing Shelby slowly back by the hips as she shook her hand in the air, hissing briefly. </p><p> </p><p>“Sorry…” Shelby breathed bashfully. Toni just watched her, totally bewildered, “That’s okay.”  </p><p> </p><p>Shelby turned back to Nora, watching her wipe a small trail of blood away from her swelling cheekbone and, all business, asked “What else?” </p><p> </p><p>Nora’s eyes widened, she hadn’t expected that. She’d expected anger, shouting, even violence… but not the resolved calmness that Shelby showed now, it made her more nervous than Toni glaring from behind her. “Umm, what do you mean?” she asked unsteadily. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby sighed and pulled her shoulders back, “There’s more, right?” she asked, knowing the answer even before Nora nodded. “Everything, you’re going to tell us everything,” Shelby said, sitting. “Now...” she clarified when Nora didn’t respond. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby and Nora sat on two of the log’s Nora had dragged into the cave and Toni continued to pace behind Shelby, listening intently but not wanting to get comfortable. Every now and then Toni’s anger would peak and, huffing, she would take a step toward Nora, stopping each time when Shelby turned her head, shaking it gently, and would pick up pacing again. </p><p> </p><p>Nora told them everything as instructed. When she told them about Jeanette Shelby cried and Toni stopped pacing to rest her hands on Shelby’s shoulders, standing behind her. </p><p> </p><p>When she seemed about finished, Toni sat down beside Shelby, both of their minds reeling. </p><p> </p><p>Toni looked up to Nora, “You’re sure they can’t see us here?”</p><p> </p><p>Nora nodded, “It's a big island so there are a number of blind spots, this is one of them.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby wiped her eyes, making her face stern again, “But at camp?” </p><p> </p><p>Nora cringed, “There are a lot of cameras surrounding the camp,” she said apologetically, gesturing to the electronic scrap around the cave, “A lot of them have been repurposed…”  </p><p> </p><p>Both of them recounted their activities under the new knowledge that they were being watched the entire time, their blood-curdling at the thought. </p><p> </p><p>Interrupting their thoughts, Nora continued, “And the torch sconces everyone made are covering the rest now…” </p><p> </p><p>Toni and Shelby looked at Nora skeptically. This was a ton to process but Nora’s role was particularly difficult to rectify within the grander context. </p><p> </p><p>“Why?” Toni asked, her face hard. </p><p> </p><p>Nora shook her head, “What do-” </p><p> </p><p>Toni cut her off standing up, eerily calm, “You signed up for this shit, you did this. So why?” she said it again, more forcefully. “Why cover the cameras, why the black box, why take us here, why tell us all of this now?” </p><p> </p><p>Ducking her head like a puppy who’d been caught digging through the trash, Nora spoke, “I never intended to tell you but you two didn’t really leave me any choice…”</p><p> </p><p>Not a great answer. </p><p> </p><p>Nora sat up with more confidence, “I know that what I did was horrible and you would have to be pretty inept to trust me... but I'm also everyone’s best chance of getting off this island.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni was silent just watching Nora. Shelby looked between them and, finally breaking the silence, asked, “How?” </p><p> </p><p>Steeling herself, Nora nodded curtly and dashed to grab some papers from the desk. She spread the papers out in front of them and sat back on her heels. “I was only supposed to be a field agent for emergencies but I know that after they “rescued” us from the island, we weren’t going home…” </p><p> </p><p>Toni and Shelby both eyed the rough map that detailed the island a small expanse of water and a larger island to the north. Sharing a panicked look with Shelby, Toni sunk back down beside her. </p><p> </p><p>With their full attention, Nora continued, “<em> This </em> is the closest landmass,” she said, pointing at the larger island in the top left corner of the ripped page, “My guess is this is where they would take us. Probably under the charade of a quarantine order, maybe in a medical facility or something, I don’t know for sure.” </p><p> </p><p>Listening, both of their eyes widened. Who the hell were they dealing with. </p><p> </p><p>Nora quickly shuffled across the cave again and pushing a rock aside, retrieved a satellite phone from a plastic bag. </p><p> </p><p>Toni and Shelby both stood abruptly. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby stepped forward, “Is that?” </p><p> </p><p>Nodding, Nora confirmed, “A satellite phone.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni joined Shelby at her side, “What the fuck, we can just call for help?” </p><p> </p><p>Deflating Nora sighed, “I’ve tried… but they must have been prepared for confederate insurrection because it only connects to one number,” she said, handing them the phone, in the name of transparency. </p><p> </p><p>Toni looked blankly at the keypad, trying to think of anyone she could call. Ducking her head in embarrassment she handed the phone to Shelby, shaking her head. </p><p> </p><p>Taking the phone, Shelby squeezed Toni’s hand and then stared at the keypad just as hopelessly before reluctantly deciding on a number.  </p><p> </p><p>Reaching a hand out before dropping it as Toni gave her a biting look, Nora said “I- I wouldn’t…” </p><p> </p><p>They waited for her to explain. </p><p> </p><p>“After I tried to make a call they went radio silent for a week. I don’t think it was a coincidence, they are monitoring me too.”  </p><p> </p><p>“Shit,” Toni said, dragging their hands over their face, “So what then?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby dropped her arms to let them dangle at her sides, loosely gripping the phone, secretly relieved she didn’t have to make that call. </p><p> </p><p>Nora took a long breath, “The black box was never meant to work, but they gave us everything to make it,” Nora said, gesturing behind them. </p><p> </p><p>“All of the cameras were made for continual live broadcast, granted only short-range, probably no further than the other island where everything is recorded and broadcasted on a main feed, but I think I can enhance the range by connecting their feeds and eventually taking <em> that </em> apart,” she gestured to the phone dangling in Shelby’s hand. “But..” Nora trailed off, lips turning down. </p><p> </p><p>“But what?” Shelby asked quickly. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m not exactly an expert at this stuff and there is a very real possibility that they pick up the signal before anyone else can respond.” </p><p> </p><p>A real shitter of a problem, their only hope of rescue being dangerously synonymous with their capture. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” Shelby breathed and then looked to Toni and back to Nora, “Well I don’t know about the rest, but maybe Toni could help with the tech stuff?” Toni jolted beside her. “You went to computer camp right?” Shelby asked optimistically. </p><p> </p><p>Toni looked like a deer in headlights as she appraised the work Nora had done so far, “I mean yeah, but <em> this </em> ,” she gestured to the amorphous body of wires and transmitters pulled from the cameras, “Would be punching <em> way </em> above my weight....” </p><p> </p><p>Watching Shelby’s forehead wrinkle as she tried to think through it, Toni scratched her head thoughtfully, “But I can try to help...” She looked back to Nora, “And if we get it working?” </p><p> </p><p>Nora shrugged, “I’ve thought it through a bunch, and without everyone knowing, there aren’t a lot of great options oth-” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby interjected sharply, “Wait, we obviously have to tell them?” When no one said anything, she looked to her left at Toni who was sheepishly avoiding her gaze, “Toni?” she asked, desperately. </p><p> </p><p>Toni sighed, “I don’t know Shelbs… Do you feel better for knowing?” She asked earnestly. </p><p> </p><p>Dropping her gaze to the ground, Shelby thought about it. She definitely didn’t feel better but had only just stopped keeping secrets and didn’t know how to feel about being asked to keep this massive one. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know…” Shelby started apprehensively and, deflating, said, “Maybe you’re right,” shaking her head in frustration. </p><p> </p><p>Watching Shelby push herself to agree with them, Toni suddenly felt bile burn her throat and thought herself a stranger in her own body. She reached forward and took Shelby’s hand, “No I’m not.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby looked up to her curiously and Toni tilted her head apologetically, “You’re right. We tell them,” Toni said firmly. Shelby smiled brokenly, thankful for Toni, and squeezed her hand back. </p><p> </p><p>“We can’t tell them!” Nora suddenly blurted out, making them both snap their heads toward her. </p><p> </p><p>Toni watched Nora with a question in her eyes like she was daring Nora to misstep on the thin ice she walked on now. </p><p> </p><p>Schooling herself, her breath now a little erratic, Nora said, “Three people being covert is much more sustainable than <em> Eight </em>, It would be far too easy for one of us to slip up.” </p><p> </p><p>They were all quiet for a moment. As much as they hated it, Nora was right, it wasn’t the logical choice. </p><p> </p><p>“No...” Toni said, running her thumb across Shelby’s hand, “We do this the <em> right </em> way, not the easy way.”</p><p> </p><p>Shelby felt relief at Toni’s words, remembering how she had envied Toni’s uncompromising beliefs and now just openly admired her. </p><p> </p><p>Aside from murdering them where they stood, Nora didn’t have a lot of room for negotiation. “Okay,” she said, filling again with dread, “Fuck!” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby and Toni both jumped and Toni edged her shoulder in front of Shelby protectively. </p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, sorry…” Nora said, slowly raising her hands in apology, “This is just going to suck.”</p><p> </p><p>Rolling her eyes, Shelby said, “Yeah… you know what else sucks, Nora? Being intentionally marooned on a fucking island by you and a bunch of suits.”</p><p> </p><p>Toni nodded, fully agreeing with the sentiment and a little bit enjoying Shelby being snarky. </p><p> </p><p>“Sorry,” Nora said, dipping her head. She was not the best person to deal with emotional fallout, even when she was responsible. </p><p> </p><p>Shifting between her feet awkwardly in the silence, Nora said “We have to get back before everyone wakes up.” </p><p> </p><p>It annoyed Toni how Nora continued to give instructions like she had any pull or real say in the way things went, but she knew it might cause panic if they were all gone this early. </p><p> </p><p>Nora led them back showing them how she avoided the cameras. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby wanted to find one of the cameras on the trees just to make it feel real but knew doing so would ruin everything so she followed Nora and reminded herself of the invisible eyes. </p><p> </p><p>With some distance between Nora and them, Toni spoke over her shoulder, “I don’t trust them.” </p><p> </p><p>Keeping her eyes forward on Nora, Shelby whispered, “Me either, but we’re kind of left in the dark without them...” </p><p>
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</p><p>Nora had slowed down as they approached the camp, letting Toni and Shelby take the lead. </p><p> </p><p>Everyone was still asleep but just being there so obviously affected Nora. Toni and Shelby watched her nervously scratch at the back of her neck with her other hand wrapped around herself, stepping in slow anxious circles. </p><p> </p><p>Knowing the bomb they were going to drop, none of them really knew what to do with themselves.</p><p> </p><p>Scratching at her healing arm, Toni watched Shelby play with her hands anxiously and frowned before lightly asking, “Want to take these out for me?” patting her bicep.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby arched her eyebrows in surprise, “Really?” </p><p> </p><p>Toni had passed the five-day mark, something Shelby had diligently reminded her was approaching in the preceding days... but Toni was in no rush to experience that. </p><p> </p><p>Nodding, Toni said, “I think we could use the distraction…” </p><p> </p><p>After grabbing the first aid kit, Shelby sat next to Toni on one of the benches and pulled the fraying bandage away. </p><p> </p><p>Twisting to grab the medical scissors, Shelby saw Nora start to step away toward the beach, “Hey,” she whisper-yelled, making Nora turn, “Where do you think you’re going?” </p><p> </p><p>Bouncing between her feet Nora whispered back, not trying to wake anyone sooner than nature intended, “Nowhere, I just… need a minute alone before...” </p><p> </p><p>Despite herself, Shelby empathized with Nora but shook her head, “Sorry Nora but you kind of lost your right to privacy when you defiled all of ours.” It was harsh but no harsher than Nora deserved. “Plus,” Shelby added, “In your own words, we’d be idiots to trust you.” </p><p> </p><p>Sullenly, Nora shuffled back toward the center of camp and nervously pulled at the hem of her sleeves. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby and Toni sighed, feeling Nora’s anxiety from where they sat, “Why don’t you feed the fire?” Toni suggested emptily. </p><p> </p><p>Nora nodded, the rest of her body shaking more than was necessary with the action, and started pulling twigs and branches. </p><p> </p><p>Turning back to Toni’s arm Shelby huffed, “This sucks…” </p><p> </p><p>Toni watched her clip the knot holding her stitches secure and sighed longly, “Right? I'm glad you weren’t there alone with Nora.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby paused her work, Toni’s words unintentionally causing her chest to flutter. Even with everything going on, the fact that Toni told her she loves her last night still ranked very high in Shelby’s mental que. Knowing that Toni loved her changed the way Shelby looked at Toni. She watched Toni, now wondering if loving someone changed you. She wondered how much time Toni spent loving her, was it just some of the time or… </p><p> </p><p>After a long moment of her hands still just hovering over Toni’s arm, Toni scrunched her forehead and ducked her head to meet Shelby’s gaze, arching her eyebrows questioningly when Shelby returned from wherever she’d gone. </p><p> </p><p>Toni laughed lightly at Shelby’s surprised look, “What were you thinking about?” </p><p> </p><p>Blushing Shelby laughed at herself, and gently pulled the stitches free, making Toni hiss briefly. </p><p> </p><p>Toni was still waiting for a response and Shelby looked at her unsure. Scrunching her nose and smiling awkwardly Shelby said, “Umm, you...” </p><p> </p><p>However embarrassing the admission, it was well worth the cocky smile it earned from Toni. </p><p> </p><p>Chuckling lightly, Toni slid her left hand over the edge of the bench in the space between them letting her fingers casually brush against the skin of Shelby’s thigh. “Anything good?” she asked, light and absent of pressure. </p><p> </p><p>Smiling, Shelby dramatically shook her head, “Never…” and wiped the pink scar with antiseptic as Toni laughed above her. </p><p> </p><p>Inspecting the remaining scar with a disgusted look, Toni grimaced, “Kind of gnarly, isn’t it?” </p><p> </p><p>“It’s like cosmically unfair that it actually makes you hotter,” Shelby said laughing. </p><p> </p><p>Blushing, Toni smiled even wider as she watched Shelby replace everything in the kit. </p><p> </p><p>Turning to Toni, letting out a huff of air, Shelby pressed a gentle kiss to their bare shoulder above the scar and nuzzled into her side like a child. Then, lifting Toni’s hand above her head, Shelby pulled Toni’s arm to wrap around her as she nuzzled deeper into their neck, breathing against warm skin. </p><p> </p><p>Melting under Shelby’s touch, Toni pulled her closer and brushed her nose against the side of Shelby’s head. </p><p> </p><p>Letting her lips aimlessly brush against Toni’s neck, Shelby tenderly asked, “How are you feeling?” </p><p> </p><p>The last few days had been a lot and to go from the emotional chaos of last night straight into this… well, it was a <em> lot </em> and they still hadn’t addressed last night’s events.</p><p> </p><p>As Toni took in a strained breath, Shelby pulled away and watched that same dissociation from yesterday taking up purchase across her features. Toni shook it off and gave Shelby what was meant to look like an easy smile. “I’m doing alright,” she said. </p><p> </p><p>Not at all buying it, Shelby tilted her head to the side, letting Toni know she didn’t, making Toni laugh lightly. </p><p> </p><p>Softly cupping Toni’s jaw in her hand, Shelby said, “You know you can talk to me?” </p><p> </p><p>Heart panging, Toni nodded, appreciative of Shelby’s sweetness. “I know,” they said, voice low, and pulled Shelby’s hand away to kiss her palm.</p><p> </p><p>Shelby warmed at the gesture and watched Toni consider something. </p><p> </p><p>Toni dropped Shelby’s hand to play with it in the space between them, “Just, not about this…,” she sighed. “I love you, and my brain is telling me it's a problem even though it's the best thing that’s ever happened to me. So in the meantime, I’ll try to let you know if I’m going to lose my shit,” she laughed non comedically,  “But otherwise, it’s not your problem to worry about,” Toni finished, tucking a loose piece of hair behind Shelby’s ear. </p><p> </p><p>There was that feeling again and Shelby thought this must be it, her heart must be breaking. Hearing Toni say those words felt like a pile of bricks had been dropped on her chest and she opened her mouth, wanting to say something, but just opened and shut her jaw indecisively. </p><p> </p><p>Finally looking up from their hands, seeing Shelby’s face, Toni jumped to apologize, realizing it should feel awkward to say without reciprocation, “I'm sorry,” she squeezed Shelby’s hand, “I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable…” </p><p> </p><p>Her brain racing to produce words, Shelby sandwiched Toni’s hand between hers and anxiously shifted closer on the bench. </p><p> </p><p>Toni nervously watched Shelby as she struggled for words.</p><p> </p><p>Releasing a strained breath, Shelby deflated slightly, “Please stop apologizing,” she drawled, voice soft and low. Searching Toni’s eyes, she started, “I--” but didn’t come up with anything and just continued to search dark brown eyes. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay, Shelb,” Toni said, cutting off her pained cogitation and smiling sweetly, making Shelby frown. Brushing a thumb over Shelby’s cheek, Toni reassured her, “<em> Really </em>.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni spoke low and calm like whatever way things were was the way they should be. The change in Toni’s body, voice, and eyes was almost imperceptible, it seemed observable one moment and totally nondescript the next. Shelby strained unsuccessfully to perceive the difference, wondering how it felt.  </p><p> </p><p>Frustratedly shooting her eyes around and away, Shelby let out another huff of air. Toni reassuringly ran her thumb over her jaw, waiting on her in that way that made Shelby’s chest swell. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby shook her head and let her body fall forward into Toni, kissing her deeply. </p><p> </p><p>Taken by surprise, Toni let out a short breath before pressing back against Shelby’s lips. </p><p> </p><p>In between kisses, Shelby brushed their noses together, delighting in the closeness and Toni’s breath against her face. </p><p> </p><p>They kissed for a few minutes before reluctantly pulling apart. </p><p> </p><p>With their foreheads together, Toni said, “Ya know, I’d kind of accepted that we were never being rescued but now… Well, it’s nice to think about doing normal things together.” </p><p> </p><p>It hadn’t really occurred to Shelby yet. Now, one way or another, they were getting off of the island and that meant a lot of things for Shelby but she decided to focus on what Toni thought it could mean for <em> them </em>. It thrilled her to know Toni thought about them off of the island “together”. </p><p> </p><p>Chastely kissing the corner of Toni’s mouth, Shelby smiled, “Like what?” </p><p> </p><p>Toni blushed and chuckled under her breath, “I don’t know,” she knew, “Umm, laundry, concerts…” </p><p> </p><p>Playfully arching her eyebrows, Shelby tugged Toni forward into her lap, “Laundry and concerts?” she asked pointedly. </p><p> </p><p>Trying to hide her face, Toni sighed dramatically, “Ughh, nevermind.” </p><p> </p><p>Unable to resist, wrapping her arms tightly around Toni’s waist to prevent them from fleeing, Shelby asked, feigning genuine confusion, “So is that like a compound activity or…” </p><p> </p><p>Dropping her face into her hands, Toni exasperatedly grumbled, “Oh my god, forget it!” </p><p> </p><p>Taming her laughter, Shelby brushed away Toni’s hands and hooked her index finger under her chin to tilt her face up. </p><p> </p><p>Performing annoyance, Toni watched Shelby, secretly apprehensive.  </p><p> </p><p>Shelby ran her thumb softly across Toni’s bottom lip, her eyes following the motion “I think that sounds all kinds of nice.” </p><p> </p><p>Toni bit her lip to repress the true size of her smile, but her eyes lit up like it meant everything to her. </p><p> </p><p>Returning with an arm full of wood, Nora dropped the fuel next to the fire clearing her throat, “Guys,” she said slowly, gesturing toward the hut where a few people were starting to wake up. </p><p> </p><p>Everyone usually woke up together apart from Fatin who usually needed to be woken by Dot.</p><p> </p><p>Taking cautious steps back, Nora put the furthest bench between herself and everyone else. </p><p> </p><p>Toni slid out of Shelby’s lap to sit beside her and Shelby missed her immediately but took the opportunity to brace herself for what was to come. </p><p> </p><p>Dot and Martha were up first, everyone else languidly following. Dot stretched her arms above her head, yawning loudly. </p><p> </p><p>Rubbing her eyes, Dot groggily asked, in actual disbelief, “Someone find more takis, or is Toni Shalifoe willfully awake at a reasonable hour?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby and Toni were sitting tense at each other’s sides and neither of them could bring themselves to laugh at the joke while preparing to shatter their reality. </p><p> </p><p>Dot straightened in attention, observing the tense energy between the three of them. It was too early to play den mother but Dot sat down across the fire and, glancing between them with a scrunched brow, tried to deduce who shoved what stick up whose ass. </p><p> </p><p>With still half-lidded eyes, Marth shuffled around collecting the fixings for tea but when they moved to put the canteens over the fire Toni stood and with a slow hand stopped them, “Not yet Martha…” </p><p> </p><p>Toni never used her full name unless something bad had happened, “I’m just making tea Toni?” Martha said concernedly. </p><p> </p><p>Apologetically sliding the canteen and bag of tea leaves out of Martha’s hands, Toni sighed, “It can wait, I don’t think you’re going to need it..” she said, looking back at Nora who was anxiously tearing at the sleeves of her shirt and not meeting anyone's eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Rachel was up next and, stretching beside the hut, pulled her elbows across her body, twisting at the waist to stretch her back. In the middle of switching sides she froze staring at Nora whose eyes went wide and jaw shook under her gaze. </p><p> </p><p>Taking quick harsh steps, Rachel rounded the bench stopping in front of Nora. </p><p> </p><p>Nora flinched and tried to step away but Rachel quickly grabbed her face by the jaw, “Are you okay? What the fuck happened?” she asked, examining the busted cheek Shelby and Toni had forgotten. </p><p> </p><p>Not waiting for a response, Rachel snapped her head around finding Toni and, fuming, dropped her gaze to Toni’s bruised knuckles. </p><p> </p><p>For a moment everything was silent as everyone tensed, the air saturating with Rachel’s mounting anger as she glared at Toni. </p><p> </p><p>Following Rachel’s gaze, Toni looked at her own hand, realizing Rachel’s assumption, and quickly looked back up to explain if she could, but was too slow. </p><p> </p><p>Before Toni knew it, Rachel was in front of her and shoving her back roughly into the hut like a rag doll, making her land gruesomely against the corner of the platform. </p><p> </p><p>Aside from the burning in her chest and the ache in her side, Toni just thought, <em> fuck they are strong </em>.</p><p> </p><p>Toni heard Nora and Shelby’s shouts mix with Rachel’s voice above her as she yelled, “What the fuck did you do?!” and then the familiar sensation of a fist connecting with her chin before everything went black. </p><p> </p><p>When Toni finally came to, she was surprised to still hear yelling. With her head resting in Shelby’s lap, she traced her eyes languidly over the wet face, pink cheeks, and cracked lip hovering above her. </p><p> </p><p>Exhausted, Toni silently reached up to brush a tear away from Shelby’s face. </p><p> </p><p>Jumping a little Shelby gasped looking down at Toni, “Oh thank god,” she breathed as Toni cupped her face, “How are you feeling?” Shelby ran her hand over Toni’s forehead, smoothing her hair back with a shaking hand. </p><p> </p><p>Rolling her jaw around in its socket and cautiously investigating the tender spot with her other hand, Toni breathed, “Like I got sucker punched…” Looking up at Shelby, who looked stressed, she smiled lazily, “We’ve <em> got </em> to stop meeting like this,” she teased. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby gave her a watery chuckle and then frowned because Toni was totally oblivious to everything going on. Lifting her eyes back up out of the hut, where, with the help of Martha, she had propped Toni into her lap, Shelby wrinkled her brow watching the group, “Everyone knows now.”  </p><p> </p><p>Toni sighed, “Shit,” and tried to sit up.</p><p> </p><p>Quickly supporting Toni’s motions, Shelby helped her straighten where she sat on the platform.</p><p> </p><p>Keeping a hand behind Toni’s back for insurance, Shelby nodded solemnly, “It’s been as rough as you’d expect but everyone seems to understand the necessity of not reacting outside of the blind spots.” </p><p> </p><p>Everyone except Rachel and Martha was around the fire. Dot and Fatin were pacing together, Dot would ask a question of import, and Fatin would punctuate it with a derogatory statement about Nora being an asshole traitor spy. </p><p> </p><p>Leah was sitting uncharacteristically calm on a bench in front of them, just patiently listening as they all exchanged words. </p><p> </p><p>Nora’s other cheek was now bright red and her lip properly busted. </p><p> </p><p>Toni nodded, “Marty?” she asked, not seeing her with the others in the framed view of the camp from the hut. On cue, a retching sound broke the air on the other side of the hut wall from them. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby and Toni cringed together. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m here,” Martha called weekly between dry heaves. </p><p> </p><p>Turning to speak against the hut wall, Toni asked, “You okay Marty?” </p><p> </p><p>Martha retched again, “I think we are all pretty not okay right now,” she said flatly, “How’s the jaw and ribs?” </p><p> </p><p>Scrunching her brow, Toni remembered the pain in her side and slowly lifted her shirt to expose the light bruising along her side. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby gasped, her hands quickly rushing to hold Toni’s shirt. </p><p> </p><p>Grimacing, Toni frowned at Shelby and shrugged her shoulders like it wasn’t so bad. With light pressure, Toni prodded at her ribs lightly and let out a sigh of relief, “Not broken…” she hollered back. </p><p> </p><p>“Good,” Martha breathed before being taken by another round of dry heaves. </p><p> </p><p>Looking back around the camp Toni asked, “What about Rachel?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby was still staring at Toni’s side with wide, horrified eyes, so Toni removed Shelby’s hand from her shirt and self-consciously pushed it back down. </p><p> </p><p>Shaking her head like she might hurl herself, Shelby cleared her throat and, speaking with disdain, said, “They slapped Nora and just took off.” </p><p> </p><p>When Nora dropped the bomb, everyone, Leah aside, thought it was a joke, their acceptance was a long, confused process, but Shelby corroborated what information she could and once everyone believed her... it was chaos. Fatin threw Marcus against a tree making his killer 8 pack crack, Dot cursed to herself, and Martha emptied her stomach into the fire. </p><p> </p><p>Slow and calm Rachel had stepped to Nora and slapped her hard across the face, almost making her fall over, before leaving the camp in silence. Nora tried to go after Rachel but Leah silently stopped her with a hand to her chest and motioned for her to sit, they all had questions that demanded answers. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby had quickly stepped after Rachel though reminding her, “Rachel you can’t… the cameras,” and slowly turning around, calmer than Shelby had expected, Rachel nodded her understanding, “I know, I just need a run, okay?” It hurt Nora to see Rachel so otherwise amicable.</p><p> </p><p>After telling them every detail, like she had Toni and Shelby, Nora deflated, “It- It was never supposed to be like this…” </p><p> </p><p>“Like what?” Dot spat, “How else could it have fucking been?” </p><p> </p><p>Nora shrunk under her glare and huffed out, “No one was supposed to get hurt, they said it would be ‘safe’, ‘controlled’…” </p><p> </p><p>Wrinkling her forehead, Dot asked, “Who? Who said that?” </p><p> </p><p>Looking pale, Nora responded “Gretchen, the doctor in charge of the experiment.” Nora didn’t mean to be so clinical but it angered everyone anyways, for their pain and torment to be casually referred to as an “experiment”, one they never fucking signed up for. </p><p> </p><p>“Shit,” Dot sighed, sitting back down. </p><p> </p><p>“What Dottie?” Shelby asked from her place near the entrance of the hut. </p><p> </p><p>Cringing, Dot said, “I think I’ve met them… When I signed up for this Eve of Eden bullshit.” Looking at Nora she asked, “Long dirty blond hair, crotchety face that screams academia, legs for days?” </p><p> </p><p>Nora nodded, that was Gretchen.... </p><p> </p><p>Shelby had privately wondered if it was the same person her parents had spoken to on the phone about “reinforcing traditional feminine values”. Those fuckers. </p><p> </p><p>Toni stood and Shelby quickly followed. They both sat on an empty bench across from Leah, listening to Dot and Fatin’s continued interrogation. </p><p> </p><p>Martha joined them, swishing water around in her cheeks and languidly dropping down next to Dot. </p><p> </p><p>“So what now?” Dot asked, more emotionally drained than probably any of them had seen before. </p><p> </p><p>Nora absently dug her heels into the dirt under the bench, “You need to continue doing everything as normal, their job is to observe our behavior so any changes <em> will </em> raise flags…” </p><p> </p><p>Toni scowled at their imperative rhetoric. </p><p> </p><p>Fatin groaned loudly, running her hands over her face, they all looked toward her. “Hand to fucking god Nora,” she spat, “I am <em> not </em> carrying my weight in water every other day when I could be at a fucking island resort!” </p><p> </p><p>Clasping her hands in her lap, Nora held her breath but nodded, “I can do that…” </p><p> </p><p>“How do we get out of here without-” Dot paused, shaking her head at how insane it was, “being taken to a secondary location?” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby adjusted to turn more fully toward Nora, listening intently. </p><p> </p><p>Nora had thought this over a thousand times, in all of their free time. She shrugged toward Toni “We will do what we can to get a looped s.o.s. signal on the black box, but we obviously have to be careful about when we make the signal live…” Everyone was leaning forward in anticipation. “The only way they would ever intervene would be in the event of a serious emergency, so we stage one and that’s when we turn the black box on.” </p><p> </p><p>“How serious?” Shelby asked warily. </p><p> </p><p>“Fake our deaths serious…” Nora said simply. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby scoffed, but straightened when Nora’s face remained the same, “You’re serious?” </p><p> </p><p>Nora nodded shortly and Shelby just slumped back letting out a big breath. </p><p> </p><p>Toni squeezed Shelby’s knee tenderly, “Then what?” they asked, eyes trained on Nora. </p><p> </p><p>“If I’m right about the other island they’ll send people in short distance boats or even dinghies and that’s how we get to the other island. There will hopefully either be a more long distance boat or at least a means of long-range communication.” </p><p> </p><p>Everyone was quiet and Nora shifted in her seat, “I’ll admit… it's not ideal, but it could work.” </p><p> </p><p>“Great,” Dot said, “Our plan is to take ourselves to the secondary location…” Shaking it off and quickly putting her game face back on, she started again, “So for now we act like everything is normal, whatever the fuck that means… and once you and Toni figure out the black box, we prepare for the rest.” </p><p> </p><p>Remembering something Dot turned to Nora, “I want to see everything you’ve been working on tomorrow too.” It wasn’t a question but Nora nodded her compliance. </p><p> </p><p>Standing cautiously, Nora motioned toward the beach where Rachel had taken off, “Can I?” </p><p> </p><p>Standing Dot half-heartedly shook her head, “Better let me since I didn’t ya know… abduct them.” </p><p> </p><p>Bobbing frustratedly, Nora forced herself not to correct them and nodded as Dot pushed past her. </p><p>
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</p><p>When everyone else had finished making what was a sad meal even for them... Dot and Rachel returned. </p><p> </p><p>Her mouth falling open, Nora started in their direction but Rachel just shouldered around her like she didn’t exist and grabbed a cup of quinoa. </p><p> </p><p>Everyone was quiet through dinner, small talk didn’t feel right and they were all burned out thinking about the hell they were actually in. So they silently ate lazy bites of quinoa, intermittently sending Nora sharp looks where she sat outside of the circle on an uncomfortable stump. </p><p> </p><p>When everyone, save for Nora, had found their way into the hut, Toni and Shelby lingered around the fire. </p><p> </p><p>Toni was deep in thought with her elbows propped against her knees. Shelby ran her hand in a slow circle across the backs of her shoulder blades, making Toni’s eyes close as she sighed, “I’m tired.” </p><p> </p><p>It was about so much more than the late hour, the task of surviving, or even the dystopic discovery, and Shelby could hear it. </p><p> </p><p>“I know…” Shelby breathed and Toni tilted her chin backward over her shoulder to give Shelby a broken smile. </p><p> </p><p>Her brow crumpling in distress, Toni lifted a hand to ghost her thumb across Shelby’s cracked lip. </p><p> </p><p>“I caught an elbow…” Shelby said nonchalantly, answering Toni’s silent query. </p><p> </p><p>Toni dropped her hand, her face distorting even deeper, and, her voice smaller than Shelby understood, asked “I didn’t… did I?” The sequence of events were still foggy and Toni had been dreading the origins of the fissure across Shelby’s perfect pink lip. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby was confused but then, realizing what Toni was asking, quickly shook her head, “Oh god, no. Toni, no,” she said, finding Toni’s hand, “It was Rachel when I tried to pull them off.” </p><p> </p><p>Relieved, Toni let out the pained breath they’d been holding and squeezed her eyes tightly shut trying to remove the image of Shelby hurt because of her. </p><p> </p><p>Pressing her forehead to Toni’s temple Shelby ran her hand up and down her bicep, “You didn’t do <em> anything </em> wrong,” she breathed. </p><p> </p><p>Nodding restrictedly, Toni released her shoulders and melted into Shelby’s touch. </p><p> </p><p>After a moment, Shelby asked, “Would you let me see?” hovering a hand over Toni’s side. </p><p> </p><p>Pulling away, Toni nodded.</p><p> </p><p>Tentatively, Shelby lifted the hem of Toni’s tank top. With only a few inches of the injured area exposed, Shelby bared her teeth and gasped internally. </p><p> </p><p>The entire side of Toni’s rib, wrapping around to her back was purple, red, and black, slightly worse than earlier. </p><p> </p><p>Toni waited and when Shelby still didn’t say anything she turned around to look over her shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>Upon seeing Shelby, with her head sagged and averting her eyes uncomfortably, Toni twisted to get a better view, “I don’t think it’s <em> that </em> bad? Definitely not the worst I've had,” she said confusedly, inspecting the area.</p><p> </p><p>It did nothing to reassure Shelby and she just cringed at the thought. Shelby reached out to ghost her hand over Toni’s side but retracted it, holding her hands in her lap, “Toni…” she said, the corners of her mouth falling, “I’m <em> so </em> sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>Their shirt falling back in place, tucking a leg underneath her, Toni twisted around to face Shelby on the bench. “What are you talking about?” she asked, with a disturbed look. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby shook her head at the memory, “I should never have let Rachel do that,” she said, gesturing disconcertedly to Toni’s side. </p><p> </p><p>Frowning, Toni met Shelby’s hands in her lap, “You didn’t let Rachel do anything,” she tenderly swiped her thumb under Shelby’s lip, “And you have the lip to prove it.” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby relented in a watery laugh, “But it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn-” </p><p> </p><p>Toni was so familiar with the blame Shelby was misdirecting onto herself but it was entirely odd to see it play out in front of her in the girl she adored so deeply.</p><p> </p><p>Leaning forward slowly, with her eyes trained on Shelby’s face, Toni let her apologies flop around them uselessly, placing a full soft kiss to Shelby’s swollen lip as she spoke. </p><p> </p><p>Following her surprise, Shelby softened into the kiss, her eyes fluttering shut. When Toni slowly pulled back, she subconsciously followed. </p><p> </p><p>Noticing Shelby’s movements, Toni smiled small to herself and leaned forward again closing the short distance.  </p><p> </p><p>Shelby pressed more fully into Toni and their tongues met, light and brief, before they separated again, leaving them both slightly out of breath. </p><p> </p><p>Toni pecked Shelby sweetly on the cheek, “You don’t have anything to apologize for.” </p><p> </p><p>It made Shelby’s heart pang in a way that had very recently become familiar. Unable to identify a thematic chord between the moments that caused the straining feeling in her chest, Shelby searched Toni’s eyes uncertainly. </p><p> </p><p>Toni smiled lightly and ran the backs of her fingers under Shelby’s chin, “Bed?” she asked warmly. </p><p> </p><p>Sighing, once again failing to trace the feeling home, Shelby nodded and stood with Toni. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby stopped Toni by the hand, “Could we maybe sleep down here tonight? It just feels like we should be together right now.” </p><p> </p><p>Smiling languidly, Toni breathed, “I was going to say the same thing,” and moved toward the hut where everyone else was settling in.</p><p> </p><p>While Shelby retrieved a sweater from the bamboo rack, Toni settled into the open corner. </p><p> </p><p>In a deep sleep, Martha stirred beside her and rolled over, snuggling into Toni’s side. </p><p> </p><p>Pulling the leopard print sweater up her arms, Shelby found her way to the back of the hut, laughing under her breath at Martha’s quick occupation. She sat a short distance from them, not wanting to trespass on the moment. </p><p> </p><p>Toni watched Shelby unsuccessfully try to settle in. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby found Toni’s eyes bashfully and, biting her lip, awkwardly looked around them. </p><p> </p><p>Smiling knowingly, Toni patted the space beside her. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby happily took her place at her side, snuggling into Toni’s other shoulder. </p><p> </p><p>They both laughed exhaustedly when Martha started to snore into Toni’s other elbow. </p><p> </p><p>Sleep was hard-fought that night, so Toni held Shelby close, and Martha held Toni close... </p><p>
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</p><p>Shelby woke to the sound of people stirring around them and immediately registered a weight across her torso. Toni had shifted in the night so that now she was splayed across Shelby’s middle with her face buried against her sternum. </p><p> </p><p>Watching Toni’s face twitch subtly as she dreamed, Shelby knew she should wake her because it was a fairly intimate position but, relieved to see Toni so rested, couldn’t bring herself to just yet. </p><p> </p><p>It was obvious that some part of Toni was craving an intimacy they hadn’t been afforded by the chaos they’d been wading through, Shelby languished under the fact. No one was really awake yet, so Shelby wrapped a loose arm around Toni’s waist, hugging her softly, causing Toni to smile in her sleep and wiggle even closer. </p><p> </p><p>Still soundly asleep, Toni’s hand subconsciously ghosted past the leopard print zip-up and under Shelby’s shirt to soft warm skin. Nuzzling further into Shelby’s chest, Toni’s lips unintentionally pressed against the skin just above Shelby’s breasts. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby gasped quietly and then chided herself for the reaction because Toni was asleep and they were sleeping with four other people (Nora slept outside of the hut) for god’s sake. </p><p> </p><p>Thinking it was about time to wake up anyways, reluctant to do so, Shelby tenderly ran her hand over Toni’s back, shaking her lightly. </p><p> </p><p>Toni grumbled, squeezing Shelby tighter, and pressed her face into her chest again, making Shelby blush deeply. </p><p> </p><p>Biting her lip, Shelby tried again, “Toni… wake up,” she whispered near her ear. </p><p> </p><p>Stirring, Toni rolled her lips away from Shelby’s skin. </p><p> </p><p>Slowly opening her eyes, Toni registered her surroundings. She looked up at Shelby with foggy sleep-ridden eyes and smiled dopily before realizing her position. </p><p> </p><p>Quickly removing her face from Shelby’s chest and extracting her hand from her shirt, Toni rasped, “Shit, sorry Shelby” and furtively looked around them, relieved to see everyone was asleep. </p><p> </p><p>It was all still new, Shelby being out, them being together, so Toni followed Shelby’s lead and watched for any public boundaries, but this was breaking a boundary new or not. </p><p> </p><p>With her arm around Toni’s waist, Shelby stopped her from pulling completely away, “Hey,” she whispered softly, making Toni meet her eyes, “It’s okay.” Shelby tried to convey her comfort but wasn’t sure how much it actually came across. </p><p> </p><p>Letting out a relieved breath, Toni sank back into Shelby’s arm and hugged her sweetly and pda appropriately. </p><p> </p><p>When everyone was awake, hand in hand Shelby and Toni started to step away from the camp, Toni had agreed to join Shelby in her morning meditation and Shelby was buzzing with excitement at the idea of being alone together. </p><p> </p><p>To Shelby’s frustration, as they were about to exit the camp Rachel, who was on their way back, stopped abruptly in front of them, halting their walk. </p><p> </p><p>Her hand tensing in Toni’s, Shelby suspiciously eyed Rachel standing in their way. </p><p> </p><p>“Let’s get this over with now,” Rachel sighed dispassionately, motioning her hands in a “let me have it” gesture. </p><p> </p><p>Toni’s forehead wrinkled in a hard line, “What?” she asked. </p><p> </p><p>Rachel repeated the motion, “Hit me Shalifoe. Come on, I’d prefer we be even..” she said, not sounding even a little scared. She closed her eyes to make it easier and waited. </p><p> </p><p>Toni frowned looking at Rachel, she understood not wanting to wait for the other shoe to drop and knew this shitty mode of apology was Rachel’s best effort. </p><p> </p><p>Shocked, Shelby looked between them tensely. </p><p> </p><p>Silently dropping Shelby’s hand, Toni took a step forward and wrapped her arms around Rachel, whose eyes shot open in confusion. </p><p> </p><p>Rachel’s body went stiff and she leaned back subtly not really knowing what to do. </p><p> </p><p>Toni rolled her eyes, “Dude, fuck you. Hug me,” they said when Rachel didn’t move. </p><p> </p><p>Rachel lamely wrapped her arms back around Toni and deflated despite herself. </p><p> </p><p>They stayed like that for a long moment, Rachel letting herself accept the support even when overwhelmed by the unconditional nature of it. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby continued a little way down the path, putting some distance between herself and them, suddenly feeling like she was intruding. However, still not trusting Rachel, she didn’t stray too far and watched Rachel carefully from where she stood. </p><p> </p><p>They separated, speaking a few hushed words. “We’re good dude,” Toni said and punched Rachel playfully on the shoulder making her smile reluctantly before carrying on back toward the camp. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby offered a soft smile as she attentively watched Toni approach. </p><p> </p><p>Toni just quickly slipped her arms around Shelby’s torso, burying her face in her neck, and squeezed her tightly. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby’s arms hovered momentarily before lacing them behind Toni’s neck, happily hugging her back. </p><p> </p><p>Letting her arms fall to the small of Shelby’s back, Toni leaned back. </p><p> </p><p>Resting her hands at the juncture of Toni’s neck and shoulders, on either side, Shelby gently massaged the tender muscles there. </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you for seeing more than just my anger...” Toni said softly. </p><p> </p><p>Toni had been thinking about this for a while and was now trying to pay it forward and it made Shelby feel beautifully multidimensional in the same way she had made Toni feel. </p><p> </p><p>Shelby’s lips twisted, trying not to let them shake but being overwhelmed by a wave of new and large emotions.</p><p> </p><p>Forcing a smile to fight tears, Shelby breathed, “Built to contain multitudes…”</p><p> </p><p>Rolling her eyes, Toni scoffed at the familiar words but silently appreciated Shelby’s beautiful ethos. </p><p> </p><p>Letting out a breath, Shelby lazily connected their lips.</p><p> </p><p>Pulling away to continue toward the beach and out of the blind spot, Shelby motioned for Toni to follow, “C’mon, we’ve got a reality show to star in…” </p><p> </p><p>Toni burst in laughter and, stepping after Shelby, said, “Oh my god, that gives me <em> so many </em>ideas!” </p><p> </p><p>Shelby laughed, chest bubbling, as Toni launched into dramatic but inventive proposals that miraculously inserted agency back into the invasive process of intense and involuntary surveillance. </p><p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm probably going to write some more because I am still on winter break and have a dumb, long list of one-liners for so many characters. So I can post more if anyone wants it.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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